What follows is a true tale about every man’s worst nightmare of being thrown against your will into the dreaded “friend zone” by a hot woman.
Day One: As you move into your new condo, the aches and pains of carrying boxes upstairs is momentarily offset as you meet your new neighbor. You hear a woman’s voice and turn around to see that a very attractive Asian-American woman will be your new neighbor, living directly below you. She’s just the right age for you, and she’s certainly got the looks. The mere thought of what lies ahead begins to occupy your mind and energizes you, even as you continue to sweat carrying boxes up the stairs.
Month One: The weeks go by and you become friends. It’s obvious she likes you because she keeps making excuses to have you help her out around the house- things she could easily do for herself, but calls you instead. Impromptu barbecues follow, as do margaritas on hot summer nights- the best part is you don’t even have to get in your car. You’re on the downhill run to nirvana.
Month Two: Taking longer than you expected, but you’re proceeding cautiously, after all you’re neighbors, and you’re both middle-aged, not twenty-somethings. But you’re feeling good at the same time, convinced you’re handling the situation to perfection.
Month Three: She’s coming up to your house almost every night to watch HBO, and starts wearing her pajamas so she can be comfy. Sitting next to her on the loveseat, your mind is filled with the thought of that glorious day when you’ll hit the “mute” button, and what will follow will be a wild blur of arms, legs and clothing being discarded- worthy of the cheesiest Zalman King feature. The warm hug you get when she leaves just convinces you the time is getting near.
Month Four: Frustrated, but undeterred, you jump at the invitation to barbeque. Over drinks, you find yourself mentally visualizing your moment of triumph. Just then, and without warning, she proudly announces that she’s CELIBATE. “What the fuck?” you think, but not really sure if you accidentally said the words out loud. Ever muscle in you’re body suddenly goes taught and your instinctive reaction is to spit out your margarita across the room, but you fight the urge and bite down on the glass instead. In a few moments you’ve composed yourself and are able to force out a weak, quivering smile. Each second that passes seems like an hour, but you know you’ve got to say something, anything- this is just another test that you’ve got to pass, and you’ve always done your best work under pressure.
Still struggling to recover, you finally shake off your “deer in the headlamps” stance, you feebly mutter something lame, supportive and totally unbelievable in order to break what was becoming the mother of all awkward silences. “Oh, I respect that,” you say choking on each word, and digging your nails into the couch. You hate having to lie, but you were caught totally off guard. As the words leave your mouth, you’re thinking how could a 44 year-old woman who has been married three times announce this like it was some sort of accomplishment? You begin to feel a bond with the ex-husbands you’ve never met. But she’s wearing your favorite shorts and her shapely legs remind you of why you took on this challenge in the first place. Inspired, you persevere in your quest.
Month Five: Gathering your composure in the days that follow, you convince yourself that it’s going to be OK. A higher degree of difficulty, perhaps, but you’ve overcome worse in the past. Still, you’re not as young as you used to be and this could be a watershed event in your sex life if you fail. But now you’ve invested months of your time in this woman and turning back isn’t an option- your pursuit becomes a matter of pride.
The phone rings and she asks you to help her with something. You’re thinking she sensed your revulsion at her “choice” and wants to let you know things are still OK between you. Dutifully, you go downstairs to help her out. Everything seems fine, and then it happens as you’re getting ready to leave- the unexpected words that hit like a doctor telling you you’ve got cancer.
She smells the gas, and strikes the match. “Thanks buddy, you’re the best!” she says as she pats you on the back. Poof…kaboom!
In one quick instant it’s over- you’ve just been neutered. Your penis retracts like a frightened turtle and you feel your balls spontaneously draw up. At this moment, you might as well have a vagina, because you’ve just become the girlfriend she never had, but always wanted. You’re trapped in the Friend Zone and there’s no way out.
Congratulations stud, you finally got your wish-- you’re fucked!
-- Modified on 8/13/2003 11:32:11 AM
