1. We can pee standing up - Icky Gas Station restrooms are not a problem.
2. A tree on the side of a highway makes a suitable urinal.
3. Never a line at the bathroom (OK, maybe at halftime at the Stadium, or after a the movie gets out, but that's it.)
4. We have unprotected sex and have a great time. Women have unprotected sex and get a souvenir 9 months later after a really LOUSY 9 months.
5. No Menopause
6. (Not the way "I" feel, but I hear this a LOT) Women get old, Men get more distinguished.
7. Fat Guys can STILL get hot wives. Well, at least on TV. (King of Queens, According to Jim, etc.)
8. A Bar filled with women exotic dancers every 10 miles or so in the burbs. Ladies normally have to find a Chippendales in the big city only.
9. Men only need three pairs of shoes (black wingtips, brown loafers, and a pair of sneakers). Some make do with two.
10. We can open the pickle jar by ourselves.
11. We can open the ketchup bottle by ourselves.
12. We can determine what is wrong with a car engine by mindmelding with the hood.
13. We can actually get the VCR to stop blinking 12:00
14. We can take a different route to the mall every time and never get lost, confusing our female companions (Where ARE we?)
15. All gifts for our male friends can be found at Spencers or Best Buy.
16. Our definition of bliss is a big screen TV with Satellite TV, a loaded beer fridge, and plenty of snacks. Women's idea of bliss is finding a rich Prince Charming to allow them to quit working, while giving them a Black Centurion American Express Card, and Quarterly vacations around the globe. Ours is just a BIT more attainable.
17. Monthly Porn Subscriptions via Satellite
18. We can watch Caddyshack on DVD 100 times and never get sick of it. Women have to find a new chick flick to watch.
19. If we go to New Orleans with a Hefty bag filled with cheap plastic necklaces, women will flash their breasts at us.
20. If a Man sees someone he likes at a bar, he goes over and asks her to join him. If a woman likes someone at a bar, she has to somehow send ESP signals to entice him to look her way. Which of course he WON'T do, because he is checking out the hot chick at the end of the bar that EVERY other male is looking at.
21. Watching Baywatch's girls run in slow motion counts as a deeply moving spritual experience for us.
22. We make more money at work (OK, everyone except the ladies who normally read this site)
23. Men don't shred each other's self esteem at restaurants when one leaves the table.
24. Men are basically simple, and therefore, easier to please.
25. Women are NUTS, and are seldom truly satisfied with anything they have.
26. No monthly periods
27. We can reach the top shelf in the supermarket.
28. When we are nice, you like us. When we are bastards, you can't get ENOUGH of us.
29. Women get Bridal Showers, Men get Bachelor Parties.
30. Women have Labor, Men have a cigar outside with their buddies, while bragging how THEY put "the stem on the apple".
31. We actually can get the Tivo to record everything we want.
32. Computers don't scare us, and we could probably hack NORAD if we had an inclination to do so. Women can't seem to send an email to their girlfriend without it crashing on them.
33. Men are ALWAYS horny and only need a place. Women need to have a reason first.
34. Men don't have to wear makeup. Most of us don't know what "product" is. Unless we watch Queer Eye.
35. Men getthe hot rod 2 or 4 door sedan or coupe. Women get the Minivan.
36. Men have somehow found a way to avoid cleaning toilet bowls.
37. All of our party needs can be satisfied at the FritoLay display at the local 7-11.
38. After we have an orgasm, a blissful coma sets in. Women toss and turn afterwards.
39. SoftCore Porn ALWAYS available on MTV2 or VH1 as Britney, "Xtina", and Jessica each try to one up each other.
40. Victoria's Secret catalogs just SHOW UP in our mailbox.
41. On Thanksgiving we watch football and eat. You wind up shopping, cooking, cleaning, and stressing over whether the big honking bird will be cooked in time.
42. We bond with our father in law with a beer and a golf game on TV. You bond with your mother in law by being subjected to an inquisition where she describes everything you are doing wrong.
43. We bond with our kids by playing video games and wrestling with them. Women bond with them by arguing with them to do their homework, clean their rooms, brush their teeth, comb their hair, etc.
44. When we take kids to the movies we feed them popcorn and skittles and they are little angels. When you take them, they won't stop squirming, have to use the bathroom every ten minutes, and decide to talk constantly no matter how often you wag your finger at them or threaten them.
45. Men have clothes that were actually designed to fit them. Women have clothes designed by a sadist who puts dress size numbers seemingly at random.
46. Men's shos actually last 6 months to a year of regular use. Women's shoes last until the 15 day warranty s u and then the heel breaks.
47. Men don't have to wear high heels (Unless they're Eddie Izzard)
48. Men aren't afraid of spiders. Women leap up on furniture and call 911.
49. Men go to Home Depot and get materials for projects taht they can actually build. Women try to figure out WHO they are going to blow to convince them to do it.
50. We can actually find gorgeous, talented women who will encourage us to let them give us BBBJTC, DATY, CG, Mish, and Doggy, and also visit the Russian, Greek, and Asian isles. All for a minor fee for their time alone.
OK, this is all tongue in cheek and meant for humorous purposes only. Please do not flame me or take offense at the injustice of it all. If we men have to accept the fact that we can't have a PSE 24/7, then everyone has to relax and get through life as best as they can as well.
((, whomever you are, we love you too!
