Do you guys, especially those of you with long term marriages, families with kids and basic middle to upper middle class lifestyles have any trouble justifying your actions? Do you struggle to "get away" with the hobby. I personally have been able to rationalize that what I am doing is not "cheating" that bad. A quick rendezvous with a woman you have no real feelings for and will likely never see again (that's the way I've played it up until recently...never the same one twice) for an hour of fun is fairly easy to justify. So I don't bring a lot of guilty feelings home.
But taking it a step further. Do any of you guys ever have a real "affair" that would involve more than just a sexual rendezvous? I have slipped into such a situation with a girl I met when she was a provider (not a pro provider, just a young lady who wasn't really cut out to be a pro) ...really it kind of slipped up on me...and I have to tell you, the pressure is so much greater. My wife has told me several times in the past couple of weeks that she thinks I am acting oddly. Never happened before. Her antennae are definitely up...I have survived this and am probably over the hump, but how long before I show some kind of tell tale sign again that she picks up on. Can guys get away with long term affairs? Any advice welcome.

If your wife tells you you're "acting oddly," the jig is up. She knows you've got something going on the side, and probably she is silently struggling with a bunch of hurtful feelings ranging from shame to anger to disgust to self doubt. Maybe she's confiding in someone, seeking solace, comfort, and advice, just as you're here seeking some sort of reaffirmation from your fellow whoremongers.

She's wondering things like, Is THIS why he can't afford to send the kids to the better school down the block? Maybe this is why he got me a new vacuum cleaner for my birthday. Am I getting fat? He's doing me like that guy in college did in my Junior year. What the hell am I going to tell my sister who never like this creep from the start?

So, enjoy your affair. You are causing someone ruinous suffering in order to indulge yourself

For me, it finally came down to the point that I decided I couldn't ride 2 horses with one ass. In other words, I couldn't be single and married at the same time. I knew I wasn't going to stop hobbying, and I didn't want to continue betraying my wife. So, I asked for a divorce. Given what I was doing, I thought it was the kindest thing I could do. Did that hurt my wife? I'm sure it has annihilated her. But by making the split, I hope she can eventually move on, and be happy again someday. I guess some guys can do what you describe. But as for me, I couldn't keep that ball in the air. Being deceitful doesn't come naturally for me. I was pretty resigned to the fact that my marriage was over as soon as I started hobbying. All I was waiting for was when and how to end it. Probably not the answer you were looking for, as there are really no happy endings in this scenario. Hopefully others can provide different perspectives. This is mine.~~~~Rob

You need to get out of the game and try to save your marriage. If the marriage is not worth saving get out of it. The angst and guilt that you are expressing is draining the joy out of your life. The purpose of hobbying is to indulge your wildest sexual fantasy without the drama of an affair. I had an affair for 15 years but refused to leave my wife, who if she suspected anything, never spoke on it. TER and P4P provided a great, albeit expensive, alternative outlet for my ravenous sexual appetite. The really critical thing is to achieve a balance between your real life and this fantasy life and try to live the latter in moderation. Looks like the wife is onto you so you have to make a decision. Do it quick and cut your losses.

I have had no problem hobbying up to this point. No suspiscions  from her. No guilty feelings from me. It's been easy and as you say, I can step into the "fantasy life" for an hour or two a month, step back out and there is a clean separation.
It changed when I started seeing one this girl on a more consistent basis. Now instead of paying for sex with a random girl once or twice a month, I am going out to dinner and otherwise interacting with this girl a couple of times a week. I have a thing like lots of guys for younger ones. She is 23, I am 55. I enjoy her company and she enjoys mine, though I am not stupid enough to believe that our deal when you cut to the chase is nothing more than money for sex with a bit of window dressing. I am helping her with a few things. I am sure if the money dried up, so would the sex. But just to be fair, if she stopped putting out, there would be no money to help her. Probably our relationship would be best described as a "low rent sugar daddy" deal I have to say that I enjoy my time with this young lady and would like to continue, but I don't want to leave my wife.  
I guess it's hard to "have your cake and eat it too"  
I see the general trend of this advice from the first few posts. Interested to see if anyone credible comes down on the side of "keep her on the side AND stay married" Anyway, thanks to all serious responders for your input. All takes are appreciated.
 

Take it from someone who did it for 15 years. It is extremely hard to do both. Maybe you are stronger than I, but the emotional toll and divided loyalties for me were unbearable. You seem to clearly understand that your relationship is a pure business transaction, but you are in pretty deep now. Changing it from a provider/client to a Sugar Daddy relationship that presumably includes her knowing your personal information creates a precarious situation for you. The balance of power has shifted to her advantage and she has the power to blow your life up. While not impossible, it will be hard to get out unscathed. I notice that you are shopping around for other opinions that you " can have your cake and eat it too." But you already know the answer to that. I wish you all the best man.

Have you taken her out without the money

Not much, but if your point is that the relationship is mostly about money, I get that and have already acknowledged it.
 

END OF MESSAGE

I think you're correct in assessing that your relationship is more of the 'Sugar Daddy' variety.I've had a couple of Affairs over the years but it was never about money. Affairs are a lot trickier because there is emotional investment on both sides.  

Sugar Daddy relationships are more like having a Regular provider in that both sides know that the most important factor in the relationship is the exchange of money.

I believe a lot of us are happily married in most areas of the marriage Except for the occasional need/desire for someone different sexually. If you can continue with your 'side-girl' and only view the relationship for what it really is, you may be ok.

The one thing that really bothered me about your posts however, is that you stated that your wife is suspicious. That's a Big red flag. Wives are not dumb. If you've changed your normal habits or patterns and she questions if you're seeing someone, well there is no 'Hump' to get over. She thinks you're seeing someone. You will at some point slip up and she will catch it.

Chigu

1. A sudden interest in improving your health. Start to work out etc.
2. Updating and upgrading your personal wardrobe.
3. Undies in particular. Going from tidy whiteys to anything sexier sounds alarms.

The question you have ask yourself is are you prepared to lose what you have today in terms of home and family/friends?
Ready to live in that studio apartment?
IMHO you never have an affair with someone who has less to lose than you.  She becomes  a tightly wound rope of emotions. At some point the odds are she will snap.  It's a lot easier for her to go BSC on you when she doesn't have to worry about house payments, kids, 401Ks etc. The longer you carry on an affair the more likely you are to make a mistake. Someone sees you out and about, a receipt gets left in a pocket etc.

If your wife's  radar is up and you want to keep your marriage, I would suggest a retreat from all extra curricular activities. Take a six month to a year long break to solidify the home front.

No matter how you rationalize it, banging a hooker is cheating. Only you can decide if that is right or wrong for you.

-- Modified on 1/21/2015 9:44:57 AM

It won't take her long to figure it out.  YOU must decide, and quickly, how you want this to go.  Either, stop the SD arrangement instantly OR plan your exit from the marriage.  Seldom will wives allow this to continue.  
There is a phrase...  Decision by indecision.  If you don't decide, someone else will...  and may not be the choice you want.

Agree with your post on all points.

You Are Scrood !!!  Break it off ASAP (Meaning now) !  All of your worldly possessions are t risk along with all of your future earnings-too many spy's available to check you out....You have been warned !!!  Please Heed the warnings !!

"You never have an affair with someone who had less to lose than you." I like that outlook. It's a very wise policy to follow. It also shines light on why so many affairs end badly while a few rare ones, just enough to keep the idea of diving in, become something.

I agree completely the more I think about it. The only problem seems to be that no really gets to choose who they take a shine to. And usually most of us only call it an "affair" if there is someone else we're already committed to.

Before moving on to another relationship, a person does himself/herself well to end whatever relationship they're in, despite the cost, despite the social implications. That's a tall order for most people, but ultimately that's the cost.

And, in my mind, that includes ending a marriage or relationship BEFORE taking up the hobby.

I am only human and i fall for people. i fel for a client once, he had already had his own apt, at one stage.......

 

  so me being a home wrecker was not the case. They already had major issues! Before me!
 Him even moivng out getting his own apt,  

Then we meet, he claims he cant afford to keep seeing me on these terms, "as in 250 every visit which is what i was then i was just starting to get reviews hadnt gotten on here yet}

 
  So we began seeing each other with out the 250 each time,  

However he even paid my rent in its entirety a few times, and he never stopped helpin me out . we just didnt say oh, ok we just fucked 250. he still took VERY good care me! and helped a ton!  

  Actually he bought my matress which was 500, he did alot for me. i didnt have a godam bed yet, yikes, oh the journeys life takes on on................................

 

  anywAYS.  

 on christmas i was alone he was with family, He went away for family vacations i could not be a part of, Had there been some one else i loved to be with while he was with them then fine but there wasnt, he was all i wanted. I got soo depressed when he had to be off with them and i d be alone missing him.

 
the entire dram unfolded into torment and a nightmare his wife ended up finding out about me, i had to abruptly move because she went police on me.  

 
its not fair to do that to the escort.

 

 
let her keep her job . dont get into her head.

 
if you cant be there for her and are lying to the one at home as well. Your messing with now 2 womens hearts not just one,  

I know you fall for us, we fall for you guys too.  

 
   at some pointyou have to proberly just stay away altogether now. And now you lost what would have been a good business relationship. and you both ruined it, because now you two are gonna have to stay away altogether because it got too hot for your own good.  

 
  you cant fall in love with your clients, thing is when its happening it feels so good its hard to stay away.

 

for me I know i will meet a nice guy when i am a nice girl with a nice job and make a ncie life.  

 

for now i am staying clear of the ones blurring the lines because its too painful, it causes drama and aggravation, and pushes me farther from my goals which is to get out.

 

there is a time and place for everything and for me a boyfriend being in love, doesnt mix with me escorting and this lifestyle.  

 
i learned many times over n over when they get too close drama unfolds lines are blurred feelinsg are hurt and for me, my goals and dreams get stomped on, i skip work for them i put energy into something i shouldnt be, i lose site of what my goal here is,  

 
your being selfish and the escort incvolved that is putting extra time with you, She SHOULD be spending that extra time workin on herself OR doing more appts so some day maybe she can have her own family like you do, For her to put her energy into you your not being fair, thats not goin to be fulfilling to her, she should either focus on work 100 percenr and meet a guy seperate , not a guy from the hobby.

 
it never works,!!!!!

i made my mind up when i meet a guy it will be when i have another job and it will NOT be a guy met doin this kinda work,

 
  i think you need to let them find a man in real kife not under these curcumstances, sme the johns are broken, thier home life is tough they are beaT DOWN, US ESCORTS SOME US, ARE LOST SOULD, WE HAVE THESE BIG PLANS N THEN FAIL OURSELVES.

 
 sometimes 2 lost souls cross paths and find some moment of a false feelings of security and love and escap.  

 
just dont do it. wait n see her as an escort n keeo your distance, trust me, the amount of men i cling or clung too, and still battle with texting them when something falls apart.

 
but i have to realize i cant grow as a person or make a world for myself if the only guys i rely on and become close with our attached and cant answer or talk to me ater 7 every night............

 
or come over on holidays,,,,,

 
its a tangled web we weave but for me i try over n over to draw boundaries n try n keep myself seperate, which is very hard because i have NEVER done business that way i have always allowed boundaries to overlap and gotten to cose to guys i knew were gonna hurt me.  

for me i am not gettin into relations with any guys in this work, i have a game plan, i am not gonna try n date until i have an actual real career i enjoy that doesnt involve using my looks or body, Then my perspective may be a tad healthier than it is now.  

 
i know for me I am focusing on my future a nice career in the future one day, maybe vet tech school when i am 35 or so, i am not in a rush but this is a time for me to get my life in order not date jpohns or let johns flop n hang around my house, There is a guy for me out there but no "good guy" is gonna like an escort, thats a fact,

You seem to be worried mostly about getting caught.  Did you think about what will happen if you don't get caught, or at least not confronted about it?   Are you prepared to continue seeing this 23 year old several times a week, perhaps some weekends together, for the next (how many) years??  Five, Ten?   If that is not realistic for you, you should think about getting out of it sooner rather than later.  Also, it is best to exit on your terms, and not someone elses

Trust me, the wife will find out, if she is anything like mine is, she will know something is up and start looking........and any time you have sex with someone that is NOT your wife it IS cheating, you need to decide if the devastation this will cause others is worth the pleasure you get from your sb, I know for me there is NOTHING worth the pain and utter devastation that I caused my wife, and I am so lucky that she has forgiven me and given me a second chance, so you need to decide if what you loose is worth what u may gain. I wish you luck.

#1..check
#2..check
#3...no way I'm giving up my tighty whiteys

I see that you have a few recent reviews. Did you ever leave this life?

This is one of those posts I could have written almost word-for-word myself.  I'd hobbied on-and-off for 20 years, at least half of that with some type of SO.  Was able to rationalize it the same way you did and had never had any problems with the boundaries.  Then just recently fell into a repeat visit cycle with a provider and very real feelings emerged on both sides.  On one hand it was an amazing fling full of great on- and off-the-clock memories.  On the other, it turned into one of the most exhausting periods in my life, mentally, physically, and financially.  I suppose I could have turned it off at any time, but with my current SO battling demons of her own and a lot of doubts about the future, I guess I was ripe for this kind of thing to happen.

At this point, I appear to have pulled it off, but there was definitely a challenging mix of desire, guilt, pressure, and fear at various times.  I also got accused of 'being somewhere else' or acting distant at times.

In the end I may have been saved from myself as my provider affair came to an abrupt end.   The girl was caught up in one of the darker aspects of the hobby, which wasn't apparent until I'd gotten to know her real well.  Its a story for another time, but she ended up having to flee town to get away from her situation, and the life she had to go back to in her hometown was not a good one.  It was one of the sadder things I've been around to have my passionate partner transform over a short time into a scared and desparate kid.  But, the pressure and risk of wanting to see her often is at least now replaced by the much more limited risks of keeping in touch from a distance.

If things hadn't played out the way they did I definitely was feeling on the slippery slope of getting caught or wanting to change things to be with her more.  And, knowing now what I know about the rest of her life, as sincere as we were about each other and as much as I sometimes miss her, it probably would have never worked as anything much more than a fling.  So after all that writing, my recommendation is to find a way to get it back within the right boundaries, unless you really know enough to think this new relationship would be worth risking everything you already have.

It happened to me. I played around seeing different girls for sex, never getting emotionally involved. I'd think about the them a little bit afterwards but it never caused me to change my behavior or attitude.  Then I began an emotional affair with a provider and thought about her all the time like you do IRL. Boy, did my behavior and treatment of my wife change.  She noticed and asked if I had a girlfriend which I denied.  This went on for a while.  I didn't know where it would lead and so I decided to just see where it went. We'll, my "girlfriend" abruptly quit the business and I became depressed.  More behavior change.  Then my wife found an old text I forgot to erase and now I'm in the doghouse.   Same thing happened to another hobby friend of mine except he's now split from his wife.  So my take is an emotional affair can be great and make you feel alive again, but it can lead to heartache and sorrow for you and others. To avoid that, stick to sexual affairs only and avoid emotional entanglements, or choose between your wife and your hobby life.

She may or may not have forgiven you......however.....she will never-ever-forget.........

the first two reveiws are what caused my downfall, the other is one WITH my wife, we are now in this together only, i would NEVER EVER do that to her again.

i know  and that breaks my heart!! all i can do now is try my best to make it up to her.

Left the agency. I thought it was great at first as she opened up about her life and that I was able to help her out financially. I then started to have to travel more for work and had less time to see her plus I came to realize that if I was with her full time that I would be miserable. She had no depth and had made decisions early in her life that were affecting her ability to hold a job. When I started to hold back the money she became very very nasty and mean. She made threats which never materialized which was good for me because that could have ruined my life. I did a background check after the fact and discovered she had multiple arrests, car reposession, and was a drug user. Her first arrest was for taking an ax to her friends car. This woman was not stable.  She lists with agencies every now and then but I stay as far away from her as I am able.  I still see women but do not get emotionally involved as I know the risk is too great and after that episode I don't want anything to ruin what I have worked for.

END OF MESSAGE

END OF MESSAGE

you're here
instead of there!

it's convenient
and you're correct
"no money no honey"

-- Modified on 1/22/2015 7:14:57 AM

I mean, they are dealing with a guy who is a proven cheater, what makes that lady think that it will be different with her?   Sure, I suppose the guy makes himself the victim and depicts the wife as a bitch, but really, I find it amazing that women fall for that shit

I know  I won't be able to have an affair without my wife finding out. Seeing a provider once in a while is much easier to hide. A girlfriend requires communication that is frequent.
I have never met a provider yet who I would to have a relationship with, and/or who are open to it. So I haven't been  tempted.  

Hate to say,  but I don't see how your situation will not end up as a real problem. ...
I don't envy you.

END OF MESSAGE

That decision was 100% hers, I never pushed or send, she has always been bi curious, this was something she came to me with, and it was one of the greatest things we ever did, it has helped her and us forge a stronger bond. If she wanted to stop, that would also be her choice and I would be fine with it, I just want her to be happy and comfortable.

I would venture that for every philandering husband out there, there is a lying cheating wife doing the same exact thing. Not to mention all the hookers right here on TER who have husbands and boyfriends who don't have a clue about their "other life"

but yeah, believing a proven liar is going to be honest with you is hoping beyond hope, and not too bright either.

I may have missed this but do you have kids?  If you do my advice would be to end the sd/sb thing and try to do what you can to stay married (even if it requires the occasional random hobbying on the side).  Every friend I have who's parents are divorced is fucked up in some way.  

If you're not married I think you're ok trying to do both, but be aware that you're much more likely to get caught this way than your old anonymous way.  If you're not 100% ok with that (and it sounds like you're not) then you should end it.

I slipped in to something very similar in the past and I ended it for the kids.  Couldn't take that chance with their lives.

Good luck.