I opened the hotel room door expecting to find one of my favorites, and instead there's my (now ex) wife standing there.

And oh, the favorite came up behind her a few seconds later.

Laurel and Hardy had nothing on me.

Just this morning had a phone call

Caller: "Hi, is this Lina?"

Me: yes

Caller: "Is this REALLY Lina?"

ME: yes, this is really Lina


Caller: "Oh, I saw your ad on Eros and HAD to make sure you really exist"

ME: Well, I am speaking, so I must exist

Caller: "Well, tell me about yourself"

hmmm, what do you answer to this one?



Lina

Saying "well, I like long walks in a park, and collect action figurines" was not a right answer? )))

I saw this young lady several times, and during one visit, she asked how long I'd be in town, and suggested that we have breakfast the following Sunday morning, just breakfast, nothing more. I agreed, and asked where she'd like to go. She said, "Oh no, you come to my apartment". So I brought her home that night, and showed up on Sunday morning. She answered the door in her little Suzie-Homemaker apron, and promptly introduced me to her little son, and her very large husband, not Jackie Gleason kind of large, but Hulk fuckin' Hogan kind of large...something that she had neglected to mention. As he reached out to shake my hand, all I could think of to say was, "My, isn't this awkward"? He agreed, and said that she had never invited a friend over before. As it turned out, it was a very nice breakfast, and we found that we actually had a lot in common, other than enjoying sex with his wife. I did, however, find that my legs were still shaking when I left a few hours later.

I was breaking a few of the rules:

1.  I was hobbying in my home town.

2.  I parked my very noticable car (It was a big read Buick Park Ave.) right on the main street of the town right in front of the hotel.  (Oh boy, a meter!)  I should have stuck it in the garage.

My wife already had caught me once several months earlier and she believed I had reformed my evil ways (Trusting soul that she was.)  When she saw my car parked out in front she had a Hmmm moment and went to the front desk, showed that her ID and gave them some BS story about misplacing the room number, etc., and they told her the number.

That's how my horror story unfolded:  Act I.

The story ended up in divorce court.

This is related to Lass's post(below)and a remark she made yesterday,"he had dirty TP in his butt-crack"
Would you LADIES care to share, some of your less than stellar moments with clients?
The humorous moments,hygene issues,etc!
I need a good laugh today,Thanks!

He was the approximate size of New Jersey!!!

... horror stories from guys!

Sounds good to me!

Back in the dark days before TER, I answered an ad for a FBSM.  When I called, "she" seemed to have a husky voice, but no worse than some women I've known that smoked.

But when I went to "her" apartment and knocked on the door, a big guy wearing a dress answers and says he's Danielle.  Just for reference, I'm 6' and 225 pounds, and this guy was way bigger than me.  I didn't even know they made dresses his size.

Anyway, It was just plain sad, this guy was pre-op and didn't look even the slightest bit female, though he had been taking hormones.  I excused myself and didn't call another blind ad for months.  It took me that long to get the vision of him in a dress out of my head.

oh shit!
care to elaborate?

Probably the most startling for me was when a lady's probation officer paid a surprise visit.

The most "wtf"-type moment was when I had to explain proper condom usage to a pro.

The most pleasant surprise was when I actually introduced a favorite to my wife. She had flown in thousands of miles specifically to spend some time with my wife to help her out. That was a LOT of faith to put in a provider, but it worked out and my wife gained enormous benefit.

What exactly did she help your wife out with...if it's not too personal to share that is?

I would answer like this...
"Everything you need to know about me is on my website which I am sure you have already read. If there is something that you'd like a little more info on, ask away".

The "yourself" is restricted to what I have put out there n my escort website...a client, upon initial communication is not going to be privy to the non-escorting me...hence a website with what I think a client needs to know about me. Anything from my website about me is fair game for discussion.

I think she somehow found out about his hobbying and about the impending appointment and decided to show up..I could be wrong but that's how I see it.

Lol...I just spat coffee all over my desk, but it was worth it. Ya know, I might just use that in future if a prospective client asks me that question....good for you love.

I'd rather keep mum.

I'll just say that if it weren't for her and two other providers; my wife's life would be horrendous. She quite literally owes a lot of her wellbeing -- and the fact she is autonomous at all -- to the active and passive intervention of three providers who are saints.

Not a horror story but an amusing way to end a date.  The provider was using an on-line music service for background noise.  Although not always successful, I was trying for my second cup in every position I could think of.  I was almost there when the music stopped and the computer loudly announced "Congratulations!  You've won!"  Well, not quite.  She started laughing which forced me out, the little head lost interest due to the distraction and we both shared a good laugh.  I guess I'll go back to claim my prize.

Wow,,that is crazy shit!!!

More crazy shit,i love it!!!

After our second round she felt the need to use the bathroom to pee. We still had plenty of time left so she was doing a very soft caressing massage-like thing with her hands and ample breasts. My hands continued roaming and after a while I decided (heck we still had twenty minutes to our hour) to ask about further DATY. She pulled the front of her thong down to expose herself and I found some paper tidbits left over.

She was appropriately mortified.

ewwww!
Did you lick her clean?,,LOL!

While mid-action with a provider, the hotel tested its fire alarm system by having someone speak through the alarm in the room (and all others in the hotel, I assume).  When the guy spoke through the speaker in the room, the provider jumped three feet in the air, scared shitless.  It was really funny then and now, thinking back.  I still see her to this day.

I was at the strip club admiring one of the lovely ladies and patiently waiting for her to take the stage. Once on stage, she took off her panties, did a swirl around the pole, landed on the floor in a sexy front to back split, rolled over on her hands and knees, rythmatrically gyrated backwards so I could get a full view of her bare ass and twat, spread he legs and arched her back, and what did I see. A NICE BIG HEMORRHOID THE SIZE OF A THUMB NAIL.....

I just think its sexy that someone as hot as Lina collects action figures.

ATF at the time but since retired, there was a knock on the door.  It was a morning apt. and I had taken the phone off the hook.  A colleague from work wanted to know if I was ready to go for a bite to eat.  I said not right now.  Cup #2 proceeded in a few minutes after we stopped laughing.

Not her. YOU!

my story is kinda funny and kinda interesting.........    I took a position as CEO of a medium sized company and got the nice office and all the "stuff" that comes with that.    I had a bunch of work to do and decided to go back to the office (I lived very close).  Upon opening the front door to the office suite I heard some really loud noises coming from the rear of the suite. As it turned out, it was coming from my office.   I opened the door just a crack to see what was going on and saw my CFO riding a guy on top of my desk.   I slowly closed the door and vacated the office.   The following morning, I made a comment to my CFO that my desk didn't seem the same.  Turns out she saw me peek in and told me all about her "other life".   She has been a provoder for years and loves to fuck on the CEOs desk.....  That's actually how I got involved in the hobby...............she's still a gooood friend!

My wife and my old ATF (now retired) are friends and hang out. There has not been an issue for me. Of coarse my wife enjoyed the on the clock time we spent with my old ATF too. It did suck though when my old ATF got busted and wound up with jail time. Now I am looking for a new ATF.

Was visiting a well-known provider in my area who has the same penchant for fine cigars as I. We fired up a big double corona, and, cigar in hand, she proceeded to a nice smoky BBBJ. She was VERY dedicated, and I was VERY much enjoying it, when the lit end of the cigar strayed into my groin/thigh area. She was mortified - I was laughing hysterically - didn't know whether to be in pain or ecstasy. We took a break, laughed, finished our cigar, and went back at it. So, ladies, if you notice a red spot down there...

I was in high school and brought this chick to my house for a romp in my room. My mother was NEVER home for at least a couple of hours, so I just KNEW we had time. It was winter, so our jackets were downstairs...

So there we are huffing and puffing away as only teenagers can do and I hear my mother call upstairs to me. SHIT!

I holler back and she yells up that she's going to the store for a while.

Pretty benign as things go, but the split second when I heard my name called was priceless.

No Way!!!!,,LOL!

I'm trying to fill in gaps here.  (1) You opened the door [implied, from the inside]: it was your hotel room, in your name. (2) Your wife just happened to arrive moments before the other lady?

Filling things in (making things up): If you were talking to your wife at the door, with the door still open, I don't see how your "guest" would stop or interfere but would expect her to walk on by to the elevators, ice machines, anyplace BUT your room. She should play dumb; not say anything. If your wife was in the room with door closed, did you try to squirm out of it? "I had to get out of the office to work on this urgent report that's due tomorrow for the big important meeting. So I took this room because this hotel has a good business center that's open late. I just got here." or something like that. Then, when there's a knock at the door, look through the peephole and ad lib "Room service? Wrong room. MY WIFE AND I ARE FINE, thank you. We didn't order anything. Maybe later." But instead,

(3) Your expected guest arrived just moments after your wife? Your hotel room door was closed when she knocked or she saw and your wife talking with the door open?

Aaaa ... too complicated. What's past is past.

Or did she comp you? Do you still employ her, and if so as a provider or a CFO, or both?

That is one crazy woman to work as a provider and use her boss's desk. Me, I would hope she did not seek the same level of adventure in how she managed the financials.

Zig

Did he offer to bring his action figures over for a play date?

By the way, you do know that if you are that damned funny, others may call with the same question to hear your shtick.

Now I have to go clean up, and I swear I will check for TP remnants when I am done (that cheap stuff just leaves pieces everywhere, it's really not my fault).

Zig

I did keep here employed (she was a very smart handler of company funds!!)....and we became good friends.    I have a fairly liberal mind and stayed focused on the "big picture"......little stuff like her grinding her ass into my blotter doesn't bother much too much...........sorta..........LOL      somethime.....you gotta just step back from life and have a big laught!!!!!

provider "Michelle my Belle" once wrote on this subject that as a civie teenager, she had to jump out the window of her boyfriend's house because her boyfriend's mother came home(in the middle of it). I thought that's funny because its normally the guy having to go out the window.. LOL.. maybe she can reiterate the story again for all of us