Here is a delicate situation for you.

About a year ago, I met a provider at an incall-type place where you choose the girl; she was a new girl visiting from another location, really beautiful, and we hit it off… one of those things that sometimes happens with providers and clients. So I start going in to see this girl maybe 2-3 time a week, and it starts going way beyond GFE… in fact, after one particularly spectacular session she starts with “I love you”, which I dismiss of course, but over the course of weeks things start getting even more intimate, very deep and constant DFK, bbbj with swallowing… and beyond, including eventually giving me service for free intermingled with pay service (still at the incall location, maybe every third session is free). I will say these experiences are very possibly the best ever… I mean total body-body and mind-mind connection going on here. This went on for about 6 months, I guess I saw her maybe 70-80 sessions from April to September.

Now early on, she asked if I was married and other life details. I have a policy to never divulge personal info to providers, so I lied and said "no" (I am in fact married)… who cares, because this is not a “real” relationship, correct?

But things got intense: at one point she asked to move in with me so that she could be “only with me” and "make love all the time”, and I always found excuses not to without having to tell her I am attached… maybe I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, probably I just didn’t want to ruin a sure thing. I did meet her outside of the incall once, meeting her for an afternoon of intense lovemaking at the house where she was staying… again, gratis. Finally, she had to go visit her family abroad for a few months (last September) and while she calls me periodically, I haven’t seen her… in a way I was secretly relieved.

So last night she calls me and tells me she is coming to my fair city in May… “Oh, you will be working at so-and-so incall again?” ask I… “No, I am coming there to stay with you for vacation.”

Its pretty clear that whatever happens, this girl is going to get hurt; either I just disappear from view (leaving her thinking “what did I do”) or I have to break my rule and tell her personal things ( being married) which will likely devastate the poor girl, who I guess (judging from her and from conversations with her handler here, who I have known a long time) has really fallen for me… she is very young (20 when I met her, 21 now I guess) and I know how strong emotions are at that age.

An option is to vacation myself, and meet her somewhere (I know it would be a week to rock my world) but that just postpones the inevitable. Not sure why I’m posting this, I suppose its just a dilemma and I’m in need of feedback, especially provider feedback.

O.

She seems like she is completely immersed in the relationship for whatever reason.  Probably because you're a very caring and giving person.

Bad news is that unless you're willing to sacrifice your marriage (which it sounds like maybe you're not ready to do) you'll have to tell her you lied to her, or tell her while she was away you fell in love with somebody else and you can't see her.

She will be devastated from what you say above. Be ready to deal with the fallout.  Also consider that she has been physically removed from you, so she may have found someone to fill in for you while she was away. In either case you need to be polite but firm and tell her your situation, real or contrived.

Maybe part of your angst is the decision you face because you have real feelings for her, and at the same time feel guilty for it. I can't say, only you can.

From my experience, I would break it off and manage the situation as well as I could.

Good Luck,

HPG

Providers are human beings with feelings just like the rest of us...and yes they can get "involved", it's human nature. It happend to me in Vegas with a stripper I'd gotten too close to.  I was not married as you are but still, she was hurt and I felt like a shit for letting her feelings get out of hand while I was only enjoying her company.  Treat em' right and tell em' the truth so as to avoid such situations, and do so early if things are getting fuzzy and your not in it for the long haul.  The problem here is you allowed a developing relationship to linger and grow.  Whether for selfish reasons or not you've now got to step up to the plate and tell her the truth.  If there is any other honorable way out of this I'd sure like to hear it!    

-- Modified on 4/17/2003 5:35:06 PM

Telling a provider whether you are married or not is not necessarily divulging too much personal info, BUT to draw the line, including telling us you have an SO.  I often ask clients the same question just to decide how much affection I can lavish without deluding each other and how much discretion I should exercise to protect my clients.  If you tell her who you marry specifically then you are sharing too much.  

You were probably just afraid you wouldn't get that kind of treatment if you told her the truth.  

This happens a lot to attractive young women (pro or not) and that's how we learn and grow up.  We are stronger than you think even if we might only be 19 or 20.  Also, new girls usually start with an agency and they always look for saviars to get them out to a better situation.  Once you clear up your situation, she may not be as devastated as you think. All those "precious times" are discounted if you know they are in fact undeserved.  Sorry, honesty is brutally the best policy.

Well, you know you made a mistake, but that doesn't help you much now.  Considering the history between you, I think you owe her an explanation when you tell her goodbye.  Glad I'm not in your shoes.

My suggestion:

Tell her: while she was gone, you have found a relationship.

Good Luck.

I would say, be a man and face her. Take her on vacation and let her go the slow way. Tell her it can't work between you to but do it while looking her in the eye and holding her hand. Years from now, she will thank you for this. Done right, there is just something about a last heartfelt kiss, no matter how bitterweet it may be. And as Bogey would say ... "you'll always have Paris"

The heart is a resilient little muscle and when young, almost made to be broken.

But I'm curious to hear what the girls think ...

I totally agree with Beachbound. You forgot the golden rule..
Providers are human beings too.  made of flesh and blood. You saw this girl getting attached to you and you used her. Once you saw what was happening and that the girl started to have feelings for you, you needed to stop it right there and set some boundaries. I don't know how much personal information she has on you or if she is unstable. But you owe her the truth. If she is in another city you probably have less risk. If you feel it would put you at risk to tell her your married, then tell her that you cannot commit the way she wants, but you must do something to set expectations and let her know where she stands. To continue on in my opinion would be cruel..

Hopefully you will learn from this experience. It is a painful thing to break someone's heart as well as have one heart's broken. Even in this hobby, when you are dealing with physical intimacy, people can forget what the boundaries are and we all need to be on our guard to make sure that everyone understands what they are.

Good luck..

Well, it is clear I will need to tell her the truth, and I will do so in person. The main thing I regret is that it will likely forge her first suit of armor regarding men... I do feel a cad, or villain, even.

As our "business" evolved into "relationship", she often joked that someday, when we both were married off, we would remain secret lovers... I was always simultaneously very touched and very pained by the sweetness of it.

I admit sometimes it has occurred to me to chuck everything, run away with the girl and start over in some unpopulated sunny place with seaside swells, and become tanned and bearded, and make love, and write, maybe teach. But these are boy's dreams, and the girl needs someone her age, who can dance all night, and they can grow old together. That is beauty.

I care enough for her, and hold her in enough esteem, that indeed she needs the truth. She is a stable girl, very level and smart, with a sharp wit and broad sense of humor. I guess I hate the thought of her taking leave of me entirely... I feel like I want to advise her, help her, place my cloak over the muddy puddles of her life. Its a foolish dream. I do content myself with the faith that she will make good, and be happy.

What a sap am I! Much thanks though for those who have advised and scolded me in this...

O.

You're very sensitive to a women's feelings and you definitely deserve points for this one.  Men who are married are more considerate of a women's feelings in this kind of situation than men who aren't.  Single men will tell you to make a clean break, cut all ties, don't take her call or emails and trash her on the boards.  Married men will tell you just the opposite. Single men couldn't care less about how hurt a women feels, their only concern is they're getting it for free for as long as it lasts and when her feelings become involved it's over and done with - next!

Meditate and follow your heart and choose your path wisely. There's no easy way to avoid the hurt and pain breaking up will bring. As a women who's been through this, please talk to her throughout this entire process.  It's going to take months to mend a broken heart and she's going to need your support.  It wouldn't be wise to see her but talking to her will help her heal much faster and let go of the pain.  Your gentleness and kindness will be rewarded in many ways if you don't just dissappear from her life and let go gradually.

and you do need to step up and be a man....You crossed the line by excepting compt sessions. Same on you..!!! As I always say to men who tell me, "I never pay for sex..!!"..."Honey, you ALWAYS pay for sex, maybe not always with money, like "Wine n'Dine", but with the emotional drama and wear n'tear of the games". By puting your cards on the table, along with that little white envelope, it's much easier for everyone to play nice, then walk  away, without regrets. Do the right thing and be honest...just my 2 cents worth....Kisses, Robyn

I think that you just need to be honest... in so doing, 'fessing up to what a jerk you've been taking advantage of her good nature. I mean, really... REALLY! Here this poor girl thinks you two actually have feelings for each other and you've made a total idiot of her. I truly do feel for her but I also feel that she has a RIGHT to know the truth and not just have you disappear or poof or whatever. Do the honorable thing... you can do so without giving personal details (altho I can't see how saying "I'm married" would really breach your privacy... but ok, if that's how you feel), just tell her you were not honest with her, you lied to her about everything, and you are sorry. At least do that.

I feel like I'm being really harsh here... I would never treat a client of mine the way I just spoke to you! But I would also never cross so many boundaries with a client or let him be in a position to harm me the way you have this girl. I really just feel like this is so incredibly wrong... here you've harmed this girl's soul so you could save a few bucks??? Unbelievable! Even more unbelievable is that she allowed you to do it... I truly do feel for her.

Sincerely,
Nicole

not all men would do what you did.  This way she will not come away from the experience feeling that "all men are like that", which would be the true tragedy.

Oz -

Clearly you are an intelligent (and perhaps caring) human being.  You have a serious issue to address - be careful and kind but firm.  Be willing to accept more than your share of the blame (that is, be a man).  I hope it works out for you.

I empathize with your situation.  To find a provider who not only is beautiful, but meshes with you physically and emotionally is truly what many of us desire.  Of course, it is important to keep all the passion/chemistry and emotion contained within the context of the business relationship.

Your 50+ visits to her represent the highest compliment to her.  The biggest obstacle here is your untruthful "not married" answer to her question.  Just because you have a policy about personal information doesn't justify misinformation.  In the future, wouldn't "I'd rather not answer that personal question" serve you both better?

I disagree with the provider who said you were wrong to accept free sessions.  Any business treats its best clients to perks.  I can't imagine a provider who would not provide such benefits to a 50+ time customer (only a pimp would do that to a customer).  I've never heard of a provider giving a preferred client VIP passes to a Lakers game, so extended sessions or the occasional comp romp would be appropriate.

well, i better stop now as my numerous opinions are clouding the point (you have a serious task at hand - good luck)

frankd

Settle down Nicole. If I recall correctly, she gave him the free sessions. he didn't ask for them. Yes, he was wrong in telling her that he was single. I think that just about everyone agrees on that. As the story goes, it snowballed from there. However, I see no need to so severely verbally punish the guy. Please remember, it takes 2 to tango. He will still need to clean this mess up himself. I wish him and her the best of luck.

You sound like a good man who got caught up in the moment but will in the end do the right thing, and do so properly.  It seemed that way when I first read your post, and this only serves to reinforce that.  If in the end, or years down the road, she looks at or remembers you more as a mentor than a villain you will have done well.  Good luck to you and best wishes to the young lady.

I also would never talk to a client this way, but this gent needs to be pulled out on the carpet for this one.  You used her plain and simple.  You took advantage of her good nature and led her on for nothing more than free perks. You should have known better, for most ladies with a good client that she sees as often as you did would offer incentives without the need of having their heartstrings played with.  A lot of gents just do not get that.  And before anyone gets on the band wagon on that comment, I concurr that their are ladies that will play the mind games also.    

As another poster put it...we are human beings and do feel and bleed just like you do.  We are strong, but not invincible.  Straight forward honesty goes a lot further in my book and you would still get your perks as I am sure it would with any other lady out there.  And gents wonder why we become so cold and callous...it just fumes me.  Head games abound in this biz and it does take a level head to sort it out.  She is young, new and very impressionable and this will do damage no matter what.

What is done is done.  Fess up and tell her what you did.  Do not draw it out as the other poster told you to do.  Given her emotional state, she may just read something into that altogether too.  Be kind, gentle and honest and make a clean break and if you know someone near her, give them a heads up so that she can have a shoulder to cry on and help her get through this.

Lauren

I agree with the ladies about fessing it up. But I'd avoid over-talking it or trying to find a "kind" way to let her down. When people are desperate they tend to mis-interpret concerns for their well-being as possibilties yet to be manifested. It's obvious you DON"T feel anything deeper for her and she needs to understand that in most uncertain terms. To let her think for even one more second that you care more deeply then you obviously do will just allow her to hang on, to nothing I might add. It's time for you to move on and away from this with the knowledge that you used up a portion of someone's heart to their detriment and education. Being kind, soft peddling and hedging the obvious for the benefit of allowing yourself the conceit of feeling like you did the right thing when you already did too many things wrong is just not fair at this point. Let her see the bad person that you are (I only say this because your posting indicates you know you screwed this one up badly) so she can adjust her perspective and move on. And when you move down the road and away from all of this, always remember the look on her face when you think you're getting something for nothing. I've been on both sides of the fence so trust me on being brief, to the point...don't draw it out just for your own sense of self-worth. You've already busted her up...time to admit it, face the disaster you've made and give her the justice of seeing you as you truly are. Later you can treat a different human being better and know you are no longer the jerk that you are today. But you are a jerk for this one, no getting around it.

About making sure to tell her that not all men are that way as posted above me: Again just my opinion but telling her that you know this isn't the right thing to do and many men wouldn't act this way blah-blah-blah...Trust me, drawing it out will only allow her to beg for a sweeter view of the world. And the longer you face her, the more your own weakness will make you want to make her feel better. If you stay long enough you'll end up giving her a small taste of what she wants so you can feel good about yourself....and she'll cling to that like an anchor as she swims the English Channel. Let her go...and ignore trying to leave her with the impression some men are good. That's for her to decide and no one else. And for the record, she probably hasn't had the best treatment from guys if she's that desperate to find a savior. Getting mired in manipulating her overall opinion of men is another conceit that will hang you AND her up in the end. Unlike me and my post, you can't spend lots of time on this. It will eventually invite disaster.

-- Modified on 4/18/2003 10:30:23 AM

Why would anyone think he is a caring human being?  He used and lied to her after it became apparent that she had feelings for him.  It's time to stand up, be a man, and level with her. He's not concerned about her feelings and hasn't been.  He just doesn't want to feel like the bad guy.  Face it, he is the bad guy in this situation.

situation happened to me!!! It was exactly 1 year ago. It was a Friday evening and this escort who I was seeing 3-4 times a week, for the previous 6 months, told me of her undying love for me and how she wants me to be the only person to ever touch her again. I was so unnerved, I went fishing Saturday morning and caught a 202 lb trout. I still couldn't take my mind off the unbridled confession from the absolutely stunning 24 year old paid companion, so I played a round of golf at Pebble Beach and shot a 61, with two holes in one. Then I ... oh never mind, you will think I just made all this up, or I am somewhat prone to being a bit delusional.

But, whenever I think back to that entire weekend the only thing that comes to mind is---unbelievable!

HAAAAA HAAAAAA.....I'll second that..LOL

If a hobbyist was to sterotype a provider the same way you did single/married men the backlash from other providers would be severe.  As a single man I take offence to your post.

You talk about the girl - the one that sells herself to many men - as being had in this case, led to believe their were true feelings - as if this was something new and utterly dispicable - because she is one of your own.  BUT - are you fogetting or conviently ignoring the other women in these affairs - the wives that are also led to believe they have a trusting, loving relationship by these same men?  If you can cry for the provider who has been used - and that is the business she is in - why can you not cry for foul for the wives of the men that most every proivder sees with no qualms or preconditions?  

It takes two to have any kind of affair - paid for or not.  If the roles were reversed no provider here would blast the girl for just dropping the hobbiest who had fallen too deep during the FANTASY.  And isn't that what everyone here has said countless times - that the time spent between hobbiest and provider is fantasy - even pretend love sometimes to make the GFE experience real.  In that scenario all good providers lead a man to believe he's special - that's her job but she sure as hell doesn't want himn showing up on her doorstep to spend a off the books vacation with.  

I'm not saying any of this is fair, but it is a two way street and the men seem to get shit on no matter which side they're traveling.

long before you shoot a 61 at Pebble!

Do your parents know you're using the computer?

Grow up, he has a serious question.

are dishonest exploiters by trying to redeem HIMSELF in her eyes.  The point is that he is a jerk, but it would be good in terms of her ability to form good relationships with men in the future for her to understand that not all men are like him. But I agree that she will indeed make up her own mind about the conclusions she will come to after this experience.

air in a relationship makes it less than a real relationship.

I completely agree. To stereotype single men as heartless pig without conscience is plain BS.  Can't wait to hear what she has to respond back.  That statement is so ludicrous that I had to read it twice to believe my own eyes.

His question was not about his wife, nor did he explain any of the details of his marriage that led him to hobby in the first place. What he did admit to was manipulating a young girl who is new to the 'biz and doesn't have experience in these ways, to get free sessions... which is despicable to me.

As for cheating on his wife??? That *may* be despicable to me, it may not. I won't make a blanket assumption. I've talked to too many men whose wives ignore them (but expect full chastity on the part of their husbands... and are thus lying to themselves first!) to make a judgement like that.

I also really resent the implication that because we are in this 'biz, we "deserve" to have our feelings and emotions manipulated and be ripped off financially. I don't know who you are that you think "because we're in the biz" that is ok, but you are just dead wrong. It is NEVER OK to treat people that way... I would never treat YOU that way, and altho I'm smart enough to not allow you the opportunity to do to me what was done to that girl, I'd appreciate the same respect from you.

Sincerely,
Nicole

If you read my previous post then you will see that I did make the statement that it goes the same way on both sides of the fence. No, this isn't anything new, for head games are quite prevalent in this arena and some ladies are just as guilty of playing those head games.  The subject matter of the thread however, was about a lady in this forum and the replies were made accordingly.  


Lauren

he is also stating openly that he has a "mind-mind" and "body-body" connection with the provider. The provider in question obviously has deep feelings for him.  Bear in mind that his family is still with him; and while having two women and kids that have feelings for him doesn’t prove that he’s caring and sensitive, the “lying and using” you mention do not negate those qualities either.  

There is plenty of literature, artwork, music, and etc. that were born of precisely this kind of situation. Are the people who created them insensitive and uncaring, or did they contrive their angst, guilt and hubris in order to create their art?

It is irrelevant whether he started to just "use and abuse" or promulgated the lies throughout the relationship to satisfy his lust.  The fact that he is to the point of questioning what his situation is, the consequences to both sides, and his own hand in the circumstances indicate to me that he is suffering both an attack of conscience and the fear of the unknown outcome.  No one wants to lose one, the other or both.

From my perspective he allowed himself to become immersed in the situation, and is now having to deal with the consequences. He’ll make his choice and have to deal with the outcome, good or bad.  But that doesn’t necessarily make him a bad guy here; there are the other parties to consider as well. Why did he start to hobby in the first place? Why is the provider so infatuated with him? Why did he and the provider connect so well? Why is he still married?

Your opinion seems rather myopic and self-righteous to me, born of precisely the same qualities you ascribe to Ozymandias.


Cheers,

HPG

Get over the victim syndrome and seek out some counseling, you're in dire need!

HPG

Yet another example of how well this "ATF" thing works...

High drama, high expense. Who needs it??

enjoys feeling superior to the provider involved.

I think it's all too easy for an older, married, experienced man to take advantage of a young girl who is new to this 'biz, and more than likely HOPING and praying for a prince charming to whisk her away from it all... which is another topic entirely, but yes, for this one I do hold Oz responsible. I didn't read his post about how he realizes he's done wrong until after I posted, but he is well aware that he manipulated that girl for gain, and I'm glad he's making good on it... at least, as good as he can!

I'm sorry, I think this industry has enough pitfalls and problems for new girls, especially new YOUNG girls, without men who should know better manipulating them.

Sincerely,
Nicole

romantic, but he seems more like a posturing egotist.

-- Modified on 4/19/2003 2:29:10 PM

-- Modified on 4/19/2003 2:29:45 PM

A couple of people have responded that this is some kind of "ego trip" on my part, and I am normally fairly self critical, but I don't "see it" in this case.

I am curious, what aspect of this sets me as "superior to the provider"?

I have never been a humble person, but I genuinely don't regard myself as "above" this or any other provider, at least not "because" they are a provider..."provider" is a job, not a species.

To clarify things emotionally, I "care greatly" about the girl, and I regard her as extraordinarily charming, clever, and "sweet". Were I a dozen years younger and unattached, I'd probably give a serious relationship a serious go; I am not judgemental, and I would never hold a provider's past against her.

Let's ignore the fact that I am already married (with no desire to change that): even if I were unattached, I wouldn't want this girl to waste her youth and affection on someone 15 years her senior... when the time comes for her to "fall in love", it should be with a man her age, so they can discover things together, make mistakes together, grow together.

Maybe my presumption that she "loves" me is taken as ego on my part? I am really not claiming this as a trophy... no ego here.

O.

She sounds very pushy but you should never have led her on by telling her you were single.  I am sure you did other things to lead her on too.  

Shame on you!

you fucked up. you deluded yourself thinking you could and can control the situation. it's a mess that you can't control. So be grown up and tell her in a direct, honest manner without meanness. face the consequences and go on.

You just need to tell her the truth for a change.

It all comes back to honesty. You may have disagreements and ups and downs, but a good relationship has to be built on trust and honesty. Cover ups never work.

Hell, sometimes the truth doesn't work. But at least you won't have any regrets at the end of the day.

Good Luck!