Interesting article on CNN from a woman who enjoys the perks of what she calls an "Opaque" marriage where both she and her husband have agreed that either can have affairs or flings whenever they want but they never openly discuss the details of what the other is doing (a la Claire and Frank in House of Cards, which btw is a show you should be watching on Netflix).
The article can be found here: http://www.cnn.com/2014/05/20/living/stronger-marriage-with-affairs-redbook-relate/index.html?sr=fb052014affairmarriage3pStoryLink "We live in a society where monogamy is everything, and it's hard to explain that you can love having sex with multiple people but still only love one person." she says. (oh and I am under no illusions that if this article was written by a man #1 Everyone would call him a cheating bastard, #2 it would never be posted on CNN, #3 there would be a mob of women at his front door to "save" his poor wife from this arrangement that they would assume she was forced into... and then they would probably burn his house down. Lol but I digress...) I feel the idea that an affair (more specifically the sexual type of infidelity not the emotional type) can strengthen a marriage is a theory that rings very true in the Hobby as well, seeing that 95% of clients are married (most of them quite happily they admit) but that the only thing lacking is their sex life at home... so they turn to providers to fill that void and 9 times out of 10 we send them out the door feeling better than when they came in. Perhaps some will consider this a justification for what we do (not that either party needs and excuse to partake here) but I have always felt this Hobby saves many more marriages than it destroys as clients return home sexually sated so they aren't pestering their wives as much which means life at home is markedly improved and the big wheels of day to day life keep turning (turning, lol) a little more smoothly. Of course the other (and perhaps more intriguing) side of the coin comes from the married providers perspective which falls directly in line with the topic of my recently completed thesis... In regards to providers with significant others the dynamic is usually somewhat different from the article specifics above in that usually only 1 person is going out and having outside of the relationship sex (the provider) while her partner waits at home with usually full knowledge of her activities. Some of the couples I interviewed for my thesis thrived in that type of relationship, one provider came home and gave her husband a full accounting of every Orgasm given and received and they would always have sex following her sexy confessions. Other couples were already "swingers" so both a parties had full freedom to play alone or together again with full disclosure of experiences whether they be for work or for fun. And still other couples (more specifically the younger and/or non-married ones) I interviewed had a more "opaque" agreement where as long as she came home safe the provider's boyfriend didn't want to know the session specifics or she was uncomfortable sharing them. Interestingly enough when I posed the question "Do you think your work as a provider enhances or hinders the relationship between you and your significant other?" almost all of the women I studied admitted that their sexual experiences as a provider did make their relationships at home hotter... even if it was only because (like the woman who wrote this article) they did find a sense of comfort and regularity by returning home to the same partner who they knew loved them after the varied sexual experiences with clients. Extremely interesting stuff at least to me...
But I don't do it with any such expectation. I think the opaque marriage is just a form of denial, but I'm fascinated by the idea of a couple that can have individual (or joint) adventures and openly discuss them. Seems like it would be tricky, but how awesome to get there and be able to share that. I can't imagine it in my current marriage but I'd sure love to try it...or at least let's say it's a fantasy. Maybe I'll role play it sometime!
Some marriages are not worth saving. I think that was the case with mine.
I hobbied hoping that my wife would never find out in order to be able to enjoy the sexual life I knew I needed while maintaining my vows to support her and my family.
She found out - twice - and for a while resigned herself to it, and even did a little extracurricular dabbling herself, but in the end she didn't want the marriage when she figured she could use my hobbying as a lever to get what she really wanted: the money, and that's just what she did.
My guess is that the hobby could help and even save some marriages, but in others, it will end up being a tool to dissolve it. It's just as well.
The topic you raise is very interesting to me especially from the angle you approach it from the providers side. I'd like to read more about that. If I had an open marriage I would want to know, be there and share. That would be doubly true if my wife was a provider (she's not). The eroticism of the situation far outweighs any jealousies although I have to say the feeling of jealousy is not entirely unwelcome. The only issue with an open marriage is when emotional attachments arise and then shift. That could be problematic, yes? The main benefit of hobbying to my marriage is that it has cooled my jets when I get home and I'm in a better mood. But the downside is I can be terribly distracted at times and a few bucks poorer. Lol
It is very intriguing and so far has been well received in the academic community!
Posted By: goodwon
The topic you raise is very interesting to me especially from the angle you approach it from the providers side. I'd like to read more about that. If I had an open marriage I would want to know, be there and share. That would be doubly true if my wife was a provider (she's not). The eroticism of the situation far outweighs any jealousies although I have to say the feeling of jealousy is not entirely unwelcome. The only issue with an open marriage is when emotional attachments arise and then shift. That could be problematic, yes? The main benefit of hobbying to my marriage is that it has cooled my jets when I get home and I'm in a better mood. But the downside is I can be terribly distracted at times and a few bucks poorer. Lol
He said he realized the potential repercussions of an affair/fling with the wrong civvie lady/or other indiscreet liaison were WAY higher than seeing a professional lady who could:
- let him blow off steam safely and without judgement
- fulfill the fantasy sexual desires he couldn't reveal to his spouse
- be a discreet confidante when he wanted to vent
- and retreat tactfully into the background until he called.
I'm absolutely positive that I've helped some of my clients retain the marriages and spouses they value.
To be clear, in my personal life, I would never agree to cheat with a married man.
But in my professional life, I can offer comfort, intimacy, sexuality and sensuality... and send that man back home renewed and refreshed.
I would think many of the ladies here have had the same experience
Not so much the fact she would be fucking random guys all of the time. It was something about the way she would talk about her clients. Like they were a commodity.. Like chickens, or cows. There for her consumption. She's a sugar baby, and these guys really like her..
It made me uncomfortable.
At first. I thought it was cool. Like look at me! Dating a SB. I'm so cool.. Those guys are such losers.. Blah blah blah. That didn't last. Once I got to know her. I lost all respect for her, then myself. The relationship just felt wrong. You can't force these things you know. So I had to leave her.
It's funny how you can daydream about certain situations.. They seem so perfect in your head.. Then you get there, and it's nothing like what you expected.
I appreciate your candor and honesty. I have heard some ladies in the business refer to their clients as "tricks" or in disrespectful terms. It always comes from ladies who have low self-esteem and don't feel right about what they are doing.
Be glad you figured her out before you spent more time with her.
use the words trick, monger, john, hooker etc and have no issue with my self esteem. What evidence can you supply to prove a lady who uses those words ALWAYS has low self esteem
and you don't really mean anything derogatory when you use those terms. I will agree that using "always or never" is usually a bad idea, but guys that look down on hookers and hookers that look down on johns "Usually" don't like themselves too much either, and use their disdain as a coping mechanism.
As you have found out for yourself, ALL of us on the dark side use these terms, but half the time they are used as terms of endearment and the other half just to get a rise out of the stupid people. It's the people who really think that way that usually have the low self esteem, and the guys are every bit as guilty of this as the women. Some guys just hate themselves for "consorting with whores" and some of us love it. I bet you you can guess which camp I am in. lol
This is a good example of why I do P4 and prefer it over dating/marriage. Relationships are all about "compromise." Compromise enough and you lose respect for your SO. Eventually, you lose respect for yourself. With P4P there is no compromise, for the client at least . We get stunning ladies who treat us like kings, bang our brains out, and then leave. A part-time girlfriend - perfect! And the best part, we don't have to compromise. However, when the boundries of P4P and dating blur ... shit falls apart.
There isn't (or shouldn't be) any drama or game playing in P4P. For the time my provider is with me she is all mine and it feels fantastic! She cares only about my pleasure and does not quit. I can't say that about my married or dating time. Guess I'm not good at compromising, which is why I'm fine with being a "good client"
Posted By: TheHoundOfCullin
Not so much the fact she would be fucking random guys all of the time. It was something about the way she would talk about her clients. Like they were a commodity.. Like chickens, or cows. There for her consumption. She's a sugar baby, and these guys really like her..
It made me uncomfortable.
At first. I thought it was cool. Like look at me! Dating a SB. I'm so cool.. Those guys are such losers.. Blah blah blah. That didn't last. Once I got to know her. I lost all respect for her, then myself. The relationship just felt wrong. You can't force these things you know. So I had to leave her.
It's funny how you can daydream about certain situations.. They seem so perfect in your head.. Then you get there, and it's nothing like what you expected.
The one time that I have had to directly lie about what where I was really made me feel like sh*t. I really don't like lying to my wife. And because I felt like the lying dirt bag that I was - it put a strain on things for a week or two.
However, the times that I haven't had to lie about it made me feel much better. I did miss the feeling of lying in bed with a woman after some hot kinky sex - and that was a really nice feeling to relive. That mellows me out - which, in turn, probably does help with my relationship with my wife because I don't harbor resentment.
So - bottom line - if I can get away with it with out stressing out - it helps. If not - it doesn't.
It works for us. We have rules each must follow. Like no free sex. We ether must be paid or be paying.I think it brought us closer because of the honesty required to make it work and it reminds us not to take the other for granted. We started weekly dates like before we were married. I don't think it is the fucking of others that did the magic but the other behaviors that came with that that done the magic.
But from time to time reverts to complete monogamy because we are unable to maintain the "rules," as you put it. And we don't want to split. Either works for me as long as the sex is constant. It helps that she is the most skilled and adventurous lover I have had as a former provider (which is a whole other topic). If that is what the OP is inclusive of, then I guess that the hobby, not hobbying, has helped my relationship.
Posted By: scoed
It works for us. We have rules each must follow. Like no free sex. We ether must be paid or be paying.I think it brought us closer because of the honesty required to make it work and it reminds us not to take the other for granted. We started weekly dates like before we were married. I don't think it is the fucking of others that did the magic but the other behaviors that came with that that done the magic.
but I had to point to books & articles as the source of the new ideas. BUT it let her off the hook sexually and while she'd never been very interested sexually, she took the opportunity to shut it down entirely. She has no idea I hobby because sex drive is a foreign thought to her. If it weren't for hobbying, I'd have no sex at all (and she likes it this way.) She doesn't think there's anything wrong with our marriage but I feel it's a marriage of convenience only. It is a shame because I wanted so much more... a complete marriage after my failed first.
I don't think the hobby hurt our marriage because I have come to realize she's always been this way.
That was a former relationship of mine. I thought it was better to break that cycle, however the cost, but it's easier said than done.
Posted By: harbor_view
but I had to point to books & articles as the source of the new ideas. BUT it let her off the hook sexually and while she'd never been very interested sexually, she took the opportunity to shut it down entirely. She has no idea I hobby because sex drive is a foreign thought to her. If it weren't for hobbying, I'd have no sex at all (and she likes it this way.) She doesn't think there's anything wrong with our marriage but I feel it's a marriage of convenience only. It is a shame because I wanted so much more... a complete marriage after my failed first.
I don't think the hobby hurt our marriage because I have come to realize she's always been this way.
If only new content was allowed we would only have one tread a year. So get off your high horse. By the way your you post contains nothing new. Damn hypocrite.
Before I started hobbying I knew I was missing out on the sexual variety I craved. My frustration led to some resentment against women in general and certainly did not improve things with my wife. But when I started hobbying, everything changed for the better. My wife knows what I'm doing and understands that it makes me so much happier and is not a threat to our relationship. So I can enjoy my hobbying without any deceit. And as a consequence, sex with my wife is better than ever for both of us. So hobbying is a win/win situation for me.
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. We get stunning ladies who treat us like kings, bang our brains out, and then leave. A part-time girlfriend - perfect! And the best part, we don't have to compromise. However, when the boundries of P4P and dating blur ... shit falls apart. 