A lot of guys on these boards are dating someone or married.  We casually mention it as if it was just another bland fact of life, like owning an XBox.

But how would you feel if you caught her doing what you're doing?  

Would you:

1] Let it slide because your own activity
2] Confront her but not admit anything yourself  
3] Talk to her, come clean and try to agree not to step out on each other anymore
4] Try to have an open relationship
5] Break up

I'd grin the biggest grin of my life for a dream come true and scream "free at last, free at last" and give the woman the boot!

I've even imagined paying someone to seduce her with photograph evidence!

So don't forget, folks
That's what you get folks
For making whoopee!!!

Of course, cheating is cheating.  However, I believe that married men cheat for different reasons than women.  As an example, many men on this board have stated that there SO's have lost interest in sex after decade(s) together.  Not to generalize, but I am unsure if women (my wife specifically) understand just how important sex is for a man.  It would be like asking them to stop eating or breathing.  There are just physcial limits in duration of time that a man can go without sex.  I am just not sure it is the same for women.

I'd have to say a combination of 1 & 4 as it would be hypocritical of me to apply a different moral standard to her behavior than I do to my own. Obviously neither of us are satisfied with the relationship so we should either break up or acknowledge that we both like to sleep with other people.

And I'd have to say that you might be right or wrong - I think it's more individual than a gew people posting on the forums.

My SO is heavily sexual - but despite very direct statements of the problem (weight) not much has changed. And this creates problems with my desiring the physical part of our relationship.

Problem is - I love the lady. I really do. But she's old-school catholic in her relationship viewpoint and (at my age) I'm seeking to live the fantasy of my dream girl.

I'm not ugly, fat or anything else myself. But in my mind, attraction and love comes 50% from the persons mind, and 50% from the physical attraction. In my situation, my SO has the perfect personality, but physically, erm... This might make me shallow to a degree, but I'm pretty sure my willingness to make a relationship work is an interesting facet to it.

If I prove the exception to the rule, I'm sure there are more than a few out there that disprove the "most" statement.

To answer the original question: I would not have any problem with it. I'd find out what brought it about, and try to supply it in our relationship (if it was my shortcoming) or use this to invite some other participants to our activities, which would then preclude my need for hobbying.

I would tell her I have been unfaithful as well.  And that I do not blame her wanting to feel attention from another man. then I would ask her if she wanted her boy friend and myself to tag team her...  
When we were in college and dating she had the hots for a guy in my fraternity.  We talked about inviting him to fuck her but never went through with it.  mainly because I didnt want to see his dick but we had planned to have her seduce him and I would try to join in.

I would tell her I have been unfaithful as well.  And that I do not blame her wanting to feel attention from another man. then I would ask her if she wanted her boy friend and myself to tag team her...  
When we were in college and dating she had the hots for a guy in my fraternity.  We talked about inviting him to fuck her but never went through with it.  mainly because I didnt want to see his dick but we had planned to have her seduce him and I would try to join in.

Sex is in no way the same as eating or breathing, we CAN do without it.  We CHOOSE not to.

"There are just physcial limits in duration of time that a man can go without sex."

What happens after that length of time passes?  You die? Explode?  No, you go another day, month, year and life goes on.

I am cheating on my wife.  I don't personally believe that this way is quite as bad as the personal/emotional involvement that goes with an affair, but that doesn't make me less guilty.  I accept blame, along with the possible consequences of what I am doing. Just MHO...

In my last civilian relationship, when we decided to be monogamous, we agreed that if either of us wanted to change that we would tell the other person BEFORE we acted on the impulse.

  She decided to have a "lost weekend" with a guy in her office without first telling me. I ended the relationship.

  Its about trust NOT sex. No point in having a relationship where you can't trust the other person.

-J
PS Had she told me she wanted to have an open relationship, I might well have said yes. Of course thats pure speculation since I was never given that opportunity.


-- Modified on 12/15/2007 12:24:28 PM

You sure have a great sense of humor. That was really funny! Ya know I just saw a guy explode this very morning from not enough sex. Very messy and smelt bad too....all that built up stale semen.

If you are married and in this hobby, I presume you would not care.  I would not care.  I wish I did.  But no.

I could not disagree more.  It is interesting how because some people feel guilt over their situation they automatically assume everyone else should as well.  None of us know the details of the different reason for why we hobby.  This board is filled with many justifications that show in long term relationships how both sides get pretty much get what they deserve and turning to sex outside of marriage is just one variable in a very complicated equation.  To direct blame (by stating others are copping out) or seek vindication by admission seems to greatly over simplify long term relationship dynamics.

PF how long have you been married and what is your longest stretch without sex.  Many here have been married decades and have gone multiple years without.  Ask any of us if we believe a life without sex is anymore possible than a life without other essentials.

With that said, however, this does not mean divorce is the solution.  Other equally important components of the relationship may be very strong thus making termination unnecessary.  Thus back to the conundrum.

What would yu do if your found out that your spouse was a provider?

This questions is open to both gals and guys.

I never said I FEEL guilty, nor did I intend to imply that you should.  I sleep just fine at night.  I DID say that I AM guilty (of breaking my marriage vows) and that we CHOOSE not to live without sex.  And I stand by both statements.

As to going without sex, well that has actually improved quite a bit lately, but there have indeed been multiple years that I have gone without, and lived...

It would explain how her part-time job waitressing at the local diner paid for her Lexus!

number 4, but on the condition that we both only see professionals.  Very rare cases aside, providers aren't emotional about the "relationship" that we have with them, they do not want to see you outside of work and are not looking for a new boyfriend or girlfriend.  If you can take feelings of love out of it then it becomes just sex, and I wouldn't really mind that.  I just wouldnt want them going to bars and picking up guys who they might in turn decide to run off with.  Or perhapse I would suggest that we try swinging, we would no longer have to pay for it, we could do it together, and still get the benifit of sex.

imagine a world where it was common for married women in their 30's 40's 50's and older to be sneaking around hotel rooms all hours of the day to PAY to have sex with men - in numbers comparable to mens indiscretions

At $300 or more a pop I'd become a gigolo then

Then why have an SO if there is a chance that she will stop having sex with you?

Besides there are quite a few guys here who get sex regularly from their wives/girlfriends so it's not just about fulfilling some need.

and honestly, I would expect the same reaction from my wife if she found out who I've been screwing and how much I've spent on it over the years....I'd be letting her off a lot easier than she would probably let me off...

I knew someone who had a great life materially and no job to speak of... my first assumption was that she had a sugar daddy, secondly, I thought she was dealing coke or something... neither was true... she was very good at selling her body and did so for about 10 years. I asked her about those days and she only smiles...

When asked how long you had been married and then asked during your marriage how many years you went without sex neither of those questions were responded to directly.  

These are both critical aspects that gave context to my original statement about just how critical the need for sex is for men.  As for me I was a monogamous for a decade+, while others I have communicated with here were faithful for multiple decades.  The similarity for many of us for whatever reason we stopped receiving sex from home over a long period (more than 1 year) before turning to the hobby.  

You appear to be saying that the choice to have sex outside of marriage is merely arbitrary.  That is not so.  My entire point has been that sex for men is basic need.  One that I would say most men can not live without.  However, I believe this basic instinct can be denied for a short period of time.  This is why the component of time is so critically important and why I asked you specifically about your time frames as you may be in different part (an earlier part) of the cycle.

To equate this to a simple minded statement, I am guilty of not fulfilling my wedding vows and implying so is everyone else who has ever cheated again seems to not be cognizant of the underlying reasons that cause infidelity in the first place.  Again, I would say that both sides of the relationship equation bare responsibility.  

And, I will stand by my statement as well.  I am unsure if women (my wife specifically) understand just how important sex is for a man.  It is a basic need that I can not live without over the long term.

I hobby because the menu is sparse, but am happy with the rest of the relationship. If she was cheating, then the implication is obvious. Time to call it quits.

Obviously women know that many men greatly desire sex.

In the case you describe, it's more about the individuals in those particular relationships, and the expectations they have of each other.  Before you make generalizations about men's needs vs. women's understanding, please try to look at the whole picture.

We can also justify women cheating using your logic.  It might be rare for men to withhold sex, but it is not rare for men to be inconsiderate to a woman's needs.  In that case a woman could ask: "don't men understand  how important it is to do 'xyz'?  That's why I fuck other guys!"

-- Modified on 12/16/2007 7:52:50 AM

for not being the kind of guy she could be honest with.

I would likely re-evaluate myself and who I was being for her and then either choose to move on or stay and figure things out. Either way... at this point if my SO were to be caught cheating... I would assume it was more about me and her.

In my attempt to address what I saw as the more general issue, I missed the part where you needed information about my personal life.

I am 25 years married.  22 of those, I was faithful.  For roughly 10 of them we had sex maybe once per year.

How does that change anything?

"My entire point has been that sex for men is basic need." ---what?!?

A basic need is what is needed to survive such as oxygen, water, food, warmth. That is it. Everything else is a choice/luxury. Even procreation is not a need, but a choice. So your statement is flawed right from the start.

You then talk about length of time of marriage and length of time without sex as if that has any bearing on your statement. I have never been married (don't believe it works), and have gone 7 years without sex. Sex is not nor ever will be a basic need for anyone, including men.

b-

I have to agree with the point that sex is in fact a basic necessity for men and women alike. I do think women can do without sex for longer than men (however, they also have a higher pain threshold than most men).

The basic point of life is survival. One of those points of survival is procreation and the act of sex as a means to that end.

Different people have different "thresholds" of how long they can do without food, water, air and even sex.

That sex is not as short-term a necessity as breathing does not make it any less important than breathing. I used to be able to hold my breath underwater for eight minutes - and probably could for ten or more, although such would lead to brain damage.

In the case of sex, one could conceivably last years without it - but in the end, it would create issues, just as holding your breath for too long would create a problem.

I'm sure that someplace, someone documented length of time without sex and the mental ailments which likely accompany abstinence. However, I know a few religious friends (clergy) and those who practice abstinence are not mentally as well-off as those who regularly practice sex.

The movie "Thirty Days and Thirty Nights" was not too far off the mark, although heavily dramatized for Hollywood and the Silver Screen.

Bottom line - while you do not see immediate death from lack of sex, I have seen people die a little each day from not having it. How long that takes is dependent upon individual constitution - much like many here would have a hard time holding their breath as long as I could. But at some point, it does cause problems.

Had I asked for your name, address and telephone number that could be regarded as personal information.  I didn't.  We are all 100% anonymous here.

I asked for you to answer the questions that were relevant to the context of this discussion.  After reading your answer about your long marriage and long periods of time without sex I amazed that we are not in closer agreement.

Perhaps not all men require sex.  I must admit that I do find that hard to believe.