told me last night that now that she has gone past menopause she really has no interest in sex and BTW she really hates kissing which I love. I'm 54 as is she. Is this normal or probably connected to my income dropping 75%. LOL. Pitty sex isn't something I can deal with long term. She is a total hottie in my mind but the whole lack of interest is not something I think I can deal with long term. The ladies here help but in the end it's nice to feel a true passion.

I hear you

Sadly, it's normal. Same thing happened to me. We are struggling in our relationship right now. She seems fine but I am not. For me the lack of sex affects the intimacy a lot, it's like she doesn't even want to be touched non-sexually. Don't have much advice, really, just commiserating.

I have several friends whose wives have told them they were no longer interested in any kind of sex.  So, guess what they are doing?????   Hello!!!!!!  Wake up ladies, if you cut your man off, he is likely gonna hobby.  Many guys over, say 50-55, are still desirous of sex, and if the wife is not offering it, they will look elsewhere.  

Swim

when the fire goes out..you have to find another furnace to stoke..just another reason hobbying is immemorial and infinite...

You never know until you try.

Perhaps some new kinky games or some new way of looking at the situation will grab her fancy and she'll want to grab you again.

You should know that your situation is not unusual.

And I just hit 40. If you made it through menopause...well then,  congratulations

The sad part is that it can be normal and attributed to menopause, however her response of "I have not interest in sex and kissing" just sucks. Did she offer any suggestions of things she might enjoy, of ways that the intimacy could continue? I've seen too many times where the woman plays that kind of card, and then just expects the man to suck it up.

They want to pat themselves on the back for "being honest", but they still fantasize about Prince Charming and his dick.  Or axel rose and his dick.  Whatever, monogamy seems to be part of what we want for security, coupled with the hot sex of newness.  For both sexes.

Doesn't like being touched at all.  Was is Dr Oz?  Recently had a show...  men show affection by touching...  I thought it was profound.  Cut out touching & intimacy is quickly destroyed.   A healthy sex life is important to a male's well being.  Recently listened to Dr Laura's (books on DVD) The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage...  a terribly boring format by the way...  but the advise is for the wives to continue sex.  
I'm here because the wife doesn't offer it.  Refuses or stalls for months if asked.   I'd stop hobbying in a heart beat if the wife would actually participate in sex regularly.

If the wife showed any passion at all. I was happy and faithful for 15 years. Now, my eyes wander everywhere. I have turned into a guy I never wanted to be.

-- Modified on 10/21/2012 10:17:51 PM

I had been married 24 years when my wifes sex libido went in the blink.  We literally did not have sex for about three years and the few (2-3) times we did she complained that it was uncomfortable for her.  I had a habit of going to strip bars and in time i got to be very good friends with a lady there.  After a few months we were kissing and playing more like girl-boy friends.  After a few months more we went to bed.  I thought I could balance the sex with this woman and my marriage relation with my wife.  Well, I got caught when my wife found a phone bill with a 45 minute call at 2:00am.  My wife was understanding up to a point, she was very aware of the many months we had not had sex.  I asked her if she had imagined that I was to spend the rest of my sexual years jerking off.  We divorced very amicably (just one grown up child) and now have a very functional relationship.  Now I can have as much sex as I can convince/talk to get from lady friends or as much sex as I can afford.  I do not have to lie to anybody, it is quite comfortable.

what I can do and other than a long massage to make her happy and then the vibrator I'm done. That's why I'm here. LOLOLO

I think the desire to be desired is something that applies to most people on some level. How we spark that desire is another question. It breaks my heart to read this thread. But I also wonder what your wives would say to each other if they were in a coffee shop together.

The desire probably does diminish due to hormonal changes- check out this article on the subject:

A Dip in the Sex Drive, Tied to Menopause
By JANE E. BRODY
Published: March 30, 2009
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/31/health/31brod.html?_r=0

I recently heard about a book that encourages couples to pretend to be having an adulterous affair with each other to increase desire in a marriage where the sex has gotten stale. Interesting concept, and I look forward to reading it!

Another thought: Would your wives be susceptible to being swept off their feet by another man? I wonder if they could also engage a companion if they would take such an opportunity. And as was suggested above- maybe try playing new games?

Another idea (maybe you've already tried this?): Seduce your SO. Start slowly with little notes telling her how beautiful she looks today. Compliment her on her perfume, her clothing, her hair. Send her flowers out of the blue, or maybe surprise her with a pretty piece of jewelry. Notice when she does something feminine, or interesting, or fun. Then progress to a date night- surprise her with a formal invitation to a nice dinner (make it the fanciest dinner you can find in your area), and talk about when you first met. Bring up how much she appealed to you, and what made you fall in love with her in the first place. Maybe then plan a short stay at a nice romantic hotel somewhere, where champagne is waiting on ice. Go for walks together. Take a night time walk when there is a clear sky and a full moon- a beach is especially romantic. While you're stopped and both gazing at the moon, come behind her and gently nuzzle her neck and ears. Do all this with no expectation of sex. Sex will most likely come after some of this courting and seduction, though, if there is any spark at all hiding out in there anywhere. Finally, get some Candida Royale porn to watch with her.

Just suggestions. My heart goes out to you!!

I found myself in a bar in the late afternoon with my business partner. We were a few stools down from a guy who was bitching to a bartender about his ex wife. Now mind you, it was 4 in the afternoon and this guy was already 1/2 in the bag, but his story...well it went something like this.

5 Years earlier, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He was advised that ED was very likely in the short term and even possible long term, and that if he had anything sexual he would like to do before the surgery, he should get it out of the way. The surgery was scheduled a few weeks later.

Every night from that appointment, he asked his wife if she would have sex...and every night she gave some bullshit excuse. Finally, the night before the surgery, he was headed up stairs only to be greeted by said wife in a night gown. She opened it to reveal herself (sexy right???) and then says to him, "let's go get this over with..." Thankfully, this man had some dignity, and told her to go fuck off, at least that's what he said on that day. Most likely he took the pity sex, and most likely it is the last time he will ever fuck in his life.

He sat there at the bar, choked up, telling this poor bartender how he just wanted to make love to the woman he married, raised children with, and loved. I am guessing the story started as some kind of, hey youngster, let me tell you about life, kind of thing...but whatever.

He said he went to the hospital the next day, and never returned home. He said after the stairway, he has never spoken to his wife again. (Don't blame him...)

After leaving that bar, I swore I would never be "that guy". I had a woman who had shown some interest in me, and we hooked up just before Xmas that year. It was a wonderful affair that lasted until her work transferred her out of state. Not wanting to risk a complicated affair, I booked my first provider around my Birthday, and have never looked back.

All the things you mentioned...I tried. Therapy...tried it...porn, yup tried it. Dates, flowers, walks on the beach....tried it all. And so have most, if not all of the married men on here.

Last week, I was sitting in DFW airport in a restaurant waiting for my plane. They had The View on. (grrrrr) Anyway...Joy Behart sat there and smugly said that Viagra was the cause of late divorces. That because of that Pill, women were expected to perform, and that men just couldn't sit back and except zero sex late in the marriage. And I thought to myself...just like my wife, she too finds a way to blame everything on me, and the male condition. Then I remembered, my marriage isn't failing because I am attracted too, and I want to have sex with my wife...It's failing because of her continued rejection.

Thankfully, I don't have to put up with it anymore. I will never be "that guy."

-- Modified on 10/22/2012 2:30:57 AM

are here. Age doesn't matter; when the well runs dry or stops working, you need to quench your thirst somewhere.

THANK YOU to all the ladies who satisfy the needs of us guys who are truly in need. Maybe this is the reason why this is the world's oldest profession.

Offer the disinterested wife $150 per hour if she performs like a ho. You save on the hobby budget, bbfs is sop, and you might avoid a costly divorce. BTW, it's $200 per hour if she's got a doubles partner!

I used to get myself in trouble around here with this shit, but it's me and I can't change my spots.

I'll qualify this first by saying that I'm not suggesting that this is you (OP) or any of you guys specifically, but I know that it IS true of many.

You get married and you think "OK, my sex life is assured now, I can get it whenever I want it".
Often you do, for a while. Then the honeymoon ends and life and work and kids and other pressures get in the way. She starts looking older and gains some weight. Your spare tire makes some of your old favorite positions difficult or impossible. You still want sex as much as ever, but your cock doesn't get as hard as it used to, or doesn't stay hard as long due to some combination of alcohol, nicotine, other drugs (prescribed or not), porn abuse, boredom, lack of creativity, and real physiological problems. You haven't romanced her in years, other than to buy some flowers when you are feeling horny and haven't had it in a while. I don't know about you, but if someone is lukewarm or downright cold to me on a regular basis, and then suddenly is sweet as honey because they want something, I am repulsed.

Sex with her, for you, has not been very good for a long time. You feel like you have to work for it or beg for it and she does very little to help. For her, she has just felt used for a long time, she doesn't feel appreciated and gets very little pleasure from the sex. So menopause comes along and that's the final straw - for her, and she cuts you off.

I submit that if from the start you treat sex as mutual pleasure, and not some marital obligation, that it will be better and last longer for the duration. I submit that if you romance her regularly and do not always expect a blowjob in return, that she will respond to romancing for the duration. I submit that if you communicate openly about your wants and needs, and truly listen and respond to her wants and needs, from the start, that you will almost always get what you want.

I submit that if a woman cuts you off at menopause (or any age) that the problem started a long time ago, and that you are equally to blame for the sexual failure of your marriage.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do but this situation isn't workable long term. (for either of us) We actually had a conversation about what 3 things we would like the most and had to guess. She said I would want BJ's, 3some with her hot Japanese girlfriend and anal. Now I would certainly love all 3 but I said DFK. Nope. Not on the table. As are the other before mentioned items.

She couldn't even come up with 3 things that would light her fire. And I threw out the idea of another man. LOL

I have a guest that had the surgery over four years ago, we lost contact for a year and a half during his recoup process. He is doing wonderful and is in remission.

I don’t blame the husband for leaving his wife for the "CONTINUED REJECTION".  The only way for marriages to last is to be there for one another through the ups and downs. Women must understand the CHANGE OF LIFE that will happen.

As for the CHANGE OF LIFE, that woman go through…. I did a lot of research on this topic because of some personal issues of my own.  I had a medical issues in my 20’s that caused my hormones to go wacky.  After doing the research to equalized my hormones, there are many different ways to do this process now but the WOMAN HAS TO WANT TO DO IT.  I found the way and became a horny MILF because of it.

An questions about bio-identical hormones or synthetic hormones contact your doctor and do your research.

The book I love and is a good read is “Ageless: The Naked Truth About Bioidentical Hormones” by Suzanne Somers
http://www.suzannesomers.com/Ageless-P1705C8.aspx

kisses
JC

I would say...  BTW-  I love sex and I'm going to get a second job so I can hire female escorts for sec since you have no interest in having sex.  Her dumb ass could have faked it like so many do..  Sometimes the truth hurts

threw out the possibility of another man? You should send her to this site I found- will have to google it when I have a moment- but it was something like concierge demimonde- and it was a site for women to review straight male escorts. And there are actually reviews there! lol!

Well, keep at it. Keep having conversations. Maybe make up scenarios that might be exciting. One thing that always injects hotness into my relationship is a visit to a swingers club or a date with another couple. But obviously she'd have to be open to such a thing. But it stokes our fire for weeks!! Also mention to her the fact that you've got so many more years on this planet and that you can't imagine them being sans sex and intimacy. Ask her what you should do about it. If she says you should masturbate, tell her that's not enough. Explain your feelings- and do it often (not nagging, but gently, persistently, until it sinks in).

This is where my outsourcing clause would come into play: She's not interested in sex, so she allows you to play guilt-free, but remain her life partner and best friend.

I had a similar situation, I became the house boy, fixer upper and dog walker. Life is way too short, and since we don't have children I left. Oh and after I left all of a sudden I was the greatest husband ever and she was going to change. I think not, I don't want some one to change for me, because unless you want the change your heart will never be in it. So now I get exactly what I want, with a hot woman and I don't have to listen to the bullshit or the nagging. I'm quite fine and happy being alone and spending time with different lovely ladies. The best part of the hobby though, is that you know exactly what her motivation is. I've always known that men pay for sex one way or another. I just feel better and more comfortable knowing exactly what the motivation is. I'll say that the bulk of my hobby experience has been awesome in the down time as well as the action so these lovely ladies are putting on a great show and making us feel great albeit for 2-4 hours at a time. Thank you ladies.

that if you want to try the wooing/seducing thing, it has to be persistent, methodical and long term. Don't expect results in fewer than 6 months- though you might get lucky. Some guys just present flowers/jewelry and say a couple of nice things and when that doesn't work, give up and think they've really done something. It doesn't work that way. Think back to how long it took you two to decide you were the right ones for each other- and remember that that was with all your working hormones. Now account for the fact that those hormones are gone, so you'll understand how much harder you'll have to work. You now have to appeal solely to her mind, because her body might be on hiatus. Keep up the work- don't stop trying.

And it might not hurt to have self help articles lying around the house- maybe that "Ageless" book by Suzanne Sommers someone mentioned, or the NYT article I linked to- just to let her know this is important to you. Don't place them for her to read, but leave them around as if you are reading them (which you should).

In the end she may just want to be left alone. In which case approach her with the idea of outsourcing the physical part of your relationship.

12 Surprising Facts About Cheating
Can you spot a husband prone to infidelity? If he's unhappy with his wife, he'll cheat, right? Not necessarily. According to a Rutgers University study, 56% of men who have affairs claim to be happy in their marriages. They're largely satisfied with all they have and aren't looking for a way out, yet they still find themselves in bed with other women-and in hot water with their wives. Here, experts explain this phenomenon and dispel other popular cheating myths.
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/12-surprising-facts-cheating-173300760.html

"Realize this: If your husband is unfaithful, it's not your fault, no matter what people say. 'When a man cheats, he's making a conscious choice to do it,' says Dr. Brosh. 'The idea of being pushed into the arms of another woman is an expression, not a reality.' Orlando echoes this sentiment: 'Men don't cheat because of who she is; they cheat because of who they're not,' he says. 'The "fault" is that the signs of disconnection have been ignored by both parties.'"

I just got out of a relationship of 9 years (not married, but bought a house together, etc.).  I'm no expert, but there are a lot of things that can be happening.  

Medical:  If you have zero sex drive do to medical reasons, no amount of work on your relationship (getting that spark back....investing more in each other mentally) is going to get that back.  

Resentment:  This is a KILLER when it comes to sex and it's what killed my recent relationship.  Whether it's resentment in bed or in general (spouse resents the other person's travel schedule or one resents the other because they don't do dick around the house....you name it).  Getting past this is a monumental task and usually can only be done with counseling and TWO committed people.

They just aren't into you sexually anymore:  This can be related to the two items above, but I do think it's possible that sometimes people just fade away from one another no longer have a desire to be intimate with them.

IMO, if you get to the point where your spouse can't even stand to french kiss you, you're cooked.  I personally couldn't remain in the same house with that person if it got to that point.  

Lastly, re. books, it's like the resentment thing.  Unless you are both willing to TOTALLY commit and WORK at it, it won't matter.  I bought my ex a book when she finally told me that she had never had an orgasm (she was 33).  She couldn't get herself to read it or take it seriously.  Eventually she ended up having an orgasm (I'm stubborn!) and guess what happened?  She said it was "gross" because she finally figured out she was actually a squirter (something I LOVE).  LOL.  

Sometimes you're just not completely compatible sexually and it just may never change no matter
how much you work at it.  

Definitely try and see if she will go for a therapist of some kind. If you love her and are attracted to her, and the only problems exist in the bedroom, then you have to figure it out. Be tough and work hard at it. Too many people get divorced and many without even trying to fix whats wrong. Marriage is hard, and it has its ups and downs. Things will not always be great, but they dont always have to be bad.

 Hang in There, Sidney Starr

p.s. This is my advice, I myself am NOT married, and have never been married.

Wow! I must admit I'm impressed by the thoughtful replies you have made throughout this thread. May I ask....Are you married? I inquire because damned if I'm not smitten! Take care lovely lady and I hope our paths might cross sometime in the future.
                                                             Regards.......RR

For the book thing to work, I think you have to just leave them around, as if you are the one reading them. This is a signal to her that all is not well. Strategically done, this cold communicate to her what she refuses to hear: that if something doesn't change, things will get bad. Really bad.

First, one could try leaving a book like Ageless around, along with an article or two on why women lose desire. Then after a few weeks, leave an article lying around about couples who work on this. If nothing- not even conversation occurs- give it another few weeks and start leaving men's magazines around- try GQ and Esquire to start with, and then go for Maxim, etc... then maybe leave an article on spouse-swapping around (you might find relevant articles in the men's mags as well to leave them open to).

Then maybe start working out at the gym and buy a sports car. lol!!

Seriously, you can get creative in ways of letting someone know what's going on inside your head. Eventually they will want to talk. If not, you'll have to take the bull by the horns, and hopefully it is not too late.

Thank you for the sweet compliment!! Please do look me up if you get to Tampa.

assume you have been in the hobby since before she lost interest? Women are not stupid despite what some think. If she already thinks you're cheating, maybe that's why she has lost ALL interest. If you want to work on your marraige, get off of TER. Her fkin another man is not going to make her want you any more lol. That is only for people in that lifestyle. If I am not attracted or not interested in a mate, but I AM interested in another man, it's bye bye to the other guy.

I don't know what women that age do and think, but it seems like a common thing to not want to screw a guy they have been with that long. They see the husband as more of a friend than a sex partner, and quite frankly only those who have ever been faithful for that long can tell you why that is, and why some couples put more focus on that friendship vs. just sex, and others don't. She is living by emotion right now and not decision. She is doing what she feels like doing, or moreso what she does NOT feel like doing. One thing this business has taught me, is you don't have to "feel" like fkin to do it and do it well.

"why don't you date"..... LESS BULLSHIT.
Just like you, I've been on my own for over 13 years and loving it.
I think I am man trap in a womens body..... lol
Love to play with all the different types too.

Kisses
JC