I do like what I am doing and and do take it really seriously. Thanks to this life,  I became better at not judging people by their looks,  accepting everybody the way they are, seeing their soul and heart and connecting as two human beings.  
As long as you have a good heart and good intentions you win my heart. I also follow this rule in my private life. Meeting some really great people here really enhanced my life and I appreciate that.  

But lately I am having difficulty dealing with some facts.  
There are only three people; three of my friends know that I do this.  
Sometimes, I get excited and tell them about my job and I realize that I disturb them at some level so I stop.  
I feel this big need to share and talk about this side of me with those who know what I do, but I have come to realize that I can not. I am not talking about the details of my meetings or the details of the people I meet but more about me.  
I want them to ask me questions without being judgmental, I want them to see how I feel good with what I am doing without being threatened... I want them to understand that I am happy , I want them to understand that I am not doing this because I am damaged, I am hurt as a kid or I have relationship issues... I want them to understand that I am an emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy woman and I choose to do this with my own free will and I feel pure joy of it. But as soon as I mention something related to this work I feel the wall they put in front of me and I stop.

Yesterday, a really good friend of mine told me that she feels a bit disturbed about this side of me because she wonders what her (grown up) kids would think about her if they ever found out about me. It made me sad honestly.  
I am still the same me.

I'm not a provider so I don't have to deal with all you do in this regard, but one thing I noticed was when I tried to find someplace to volunteer time at in LA (where I live) to support providers and such I could not find one to take me.  The few places that seemed to want volunteers all seemed to revolve around getting women out, or "fixing" them.  The more I looked the more frustrated I became because many people seem incapable of believing that someone might actually choose this. I don't want to "fix" women, I want to help advocate for their rights.  

You know what it really reminded me of?  Growing up in the seventies and seeing gay men come out.    People wanted to "fix" them too.  If friends and family discovered this side of their personality many would disown and stop seeing them.  In some places many of the activities they participated in were illegal.  Many many places thought it was immoral.  A number of theories revolved around child abuse, runaways, forced sex, and mental illness - sound familiar?

Unfortunately the social revolution that has brought greater understanding to the gay community doesn't seem to have arrived for women who choose to use their minds and bodies as they see fit, but hopefully one day being a provider will be no worse than being a physical therapist.  

-- Modified on 9/27/2014 11:15:09 PM

"And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate"

If you're fine and happy with your life style that's all that matters.   However the fact that you have this need to share and expect only positive feedback makes one wonder if you are as comfortable with it as you state you are.  As a hobbyist I personally don't share the lifestyle with any of my friends  

In regards to your friend it's sad that she "...wonders what her (grown up) kids would think about her...."  She's old enough to know that it's her life and she can't live her life for the eyes/approval of others even if they are her kids.  The same rules apply to you.  If they're really your friends they should be able to sense how well adjusted you are without you telling them how you've attained getting there

When something or someone makes one happy, you want to share that reasoning with everyone close to you (think any typical joyous situation). I think Ms. Zayla is comfortable with her occupation, but is hurt that she can't express her happiness with those close to her. When you have close friends and family, their opinions matters. Think of the reason you don't talk about hobbyist with your friends. Do you think they would be bothered? But I definitely agree with the fact that you can't expect positive feedback, unfortunately, particularly in this profession.

Of course I am very happy with my life style. At the same time I am realistic and know/understand that not everyone can be as open minded as some of us and accept this life style. That includes your family, your friends, your "real life" circle. No matter how much you love them and interact with them, you just know you can not share this part of your life with them and I am ok with it.  
But the ones who say they understand me and who say they are ok with who I am and my choices and my life style, then I feel more comfortable around them and just want to mention something once in a while when they ask me how my day was.  
I have a day job and I talk about it, I have this work also and would like to mention somethings about it

The situations are somewhat different.  You choose not to share your hobby, it's not her hobby it's her job.  Not sharing what I do a few times a month with my friends is very different than not talking about my job.  It's also much more of a topic of conversation, no one is going to ask what you did on Friday at 9pm, but lots and lots will ask what you do for a living or how you support yourself or why you travel so frequently.  Lying regularly to those you care about most is something many would prefer not to do.  Last, if you have something good in your life many, maybe not you, but many want to share it, not from insecurity but from happiness.  

When you say "... the ones who say they understand me...."  obviously really don't understand you or the lifestyle because if they did you wouldn't be writing about it here.  Really does it matter that much to share any of this with them?  By doing so the only thing to gain is acceptance from friends/family.  The fact of the matter is "Nobody really Cares".   It's kind of like when you go to the bank and they ask you how your day is going or if you have any plans for the weekend.   So next time they ask you how your day was just keep it simple and tell them it's just fine.  Perhaps growing up in NY we are brought up a bit different and don't feel a need to share personal matters.  

Your reply... How sad! Not sharing?  
I figured out they do care but they are not as open as I would want them to be and that does not make them just blah people. They do care and stick with me and willing to listen... but up to some point. I feel their limits and I know I should respect them. They have no experience in this profession and I can't expect them to understand it one hundred percent.  
I love sharing, of course not everything with everyone but certain things with certain people.  
Sharing joy makes it grow... sharing sorrow makes it go... :

A big thank YOU for understanding me perfectly.

So you feel a need for attention and affirmation from your friends, and you want everyone to know how wonderful you are and how great a time you're having. However, you don't handle criticism well, and don't seem to care if your friends are uncomfortable about what you. Sounds like you're a typical American provider. Have you ever Googled any information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Thank you for your reply also. Everyone has their opinion and I respect that.  
I think I would like the ones I love to understand I am ok with what I am doing and don't worry about it.  
I appreciate their worry and I just want them to know I am not a threat in any way.  
Yes, I know what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is. I studied physiology for some years... and I have lots of empathy for others.
By the way, I am not American.

-- Modified on 9/29/2014 11:05:59 PM

You studied "PHYSIOLOGY" for years and learned about personality disorders? lol

You can share anything you want with your friends. That does not mean they will ever understand. You will just have to live with possible negative reactions if you plan on sharing your life with your friends. The best you can hope to do is educate them about your lifestyle

LOL, sorry for the spelling. Fast fingers on cell phone.  

And yes, you are absolutely right. Educating them about this life style... exactly my point too.  
Thank you for your opinion. Much appreciated.

Can I quote you on that?

Or just not mention it at all. Why this need to talk about personal stuff and put others under pressure to endorse her chosen lifestyle/career choices in the first place?

Why do people feel the need to be jerks for no reason?

It sounds like you need some provider community, Zayla. It's really hard to do this work and not be able to share the ups and downs without judgement and nastiness. I highly encourage you to keep an eye on the @swopbay twitter account and the swopbay dot org website, we have monthly socials where you can come hang out with other people in the industry & just relax & be yourself! I know I definitely wouldn't be as happy as I am with my career if I had to keep it quiet & worry about judgement all the time.

Come join us!

Thank you Fiona. I certainly will.  

As far as people being jerks... well, everyone is entitled to their opinion.  
 I brought out my own concern and discomfort hoping to find some like minded people, some ladies who experience the same thing and I simply just wanted to share.  
And I am glad I did, because it looks like I am getting some nice feedback.  
Thank you again

I see you miss the point. Zayla want to brag and promote herself and her lifestyle/career choice to others who aren't particularly comfortable with it. Why would you deliberately bring up a subject such as that unless you want to rub their noses in it?

As far as needing "provider community", I find it funny that a certain subset of providers who have no problem being "in your face" when it comes to vociferously plugging their views suddenly get so hurt when others express opinions that they do not find favorable. Your response certainly does not contradict my initial assertion and in fact merely reinforces a viewpoint which I have held for a long time, which is that most escorts/providers in America are not in it for economic reasons but merely for their ego. Constantly reminding others that they are so desirable that they make a living by men paying for their time does not always impress others, and in some circles (like it or not) is considered a bit crass. Try thinking about that a bit before you get this reflexive response to cry "poor baby" any time anyone makes less than a flattering statement about your peers.