Hi Guys- and girls who may have some insite to my whoa's.   I am a provider who has recently and reluctantly began dating a hobbiest.  When I say reluctantly I mean that I was against becoming serious with this person but he threw it on me hard and I liked how he made me feel inside.  But now I havent been working and my bills are past due, I would ask him for money but I think he has given me all his money . now he wants me to stop working forever and move in with him and his family.  I am not sure if I want to become dependent on someone I met in the hobby or anywhere for that matter.  But he says that this business doesnt go anywhere.  He cant stop me from working all the time but recently hes been threating me by saying that hes going to ruin my reputation as an escort somehow- online or whatever.  I dont know if I should take this threat seriously or what.  Do you guys think its true that the adult entertainment business doesnt go anywhere but full circle?  Does anybody know of a provider and hobbiest actually making it in a trusting relationship?  He says hes not going to be a hobbiest anymore, he even took his account off of ter.  Do you think hes lying?  And is it possible for him to ruin my reputation if he gets mad?

It really comes down to how you truly feel about him. I don't think you can mix being a provider and having a serious relationship. Turn the tables and how would you feel. If you want to be with him then get a job outside if the adult world and go for it.

I would say that threats of any sort are indicative of wrongheadedness.  "Whoa" indeed!

Let's gloss over, for the moment, why being threatened with defamation makes you "feel good inside" (another "woe" there, I fear).  My two-cents worth is: even if a dude makes the extreme sacrifice for you (i.e., removing his account from TER), a threat is a threat is a control technique...

Your ruination would not benefit him in any way, right?  Thus, your man seems to have his head so far up his butt that he's lost track of which direction daylight is coming from.

Although a whopper, he may not be the "catch of the day."  I recommend you pay your bills on your own and keep fishing.

People who have a strong relationship do not threaten or blackmail each other.  Move on.

Ah, my dear, if you are actually "dating" someone who threatens you, who gives you ultimatums, etc., you are already in deep, deep trouble.  Drop him like a bad habit and spend your time with people who care for you whether your work be baker, candle stick maker or provider.  All my best, Lencho.

A relationship founded on threats and blackmail-"he's going to ruin my reputation"-can't possibly be a "trusting" relationship.  Your problem has nothing to do with whether or not he is going to quit the hobby or whether providers and hobbyists can have a good relationship (I assume that, like most folks, most can't and some can).  Your problem is that you are even thinking about getting serious with someone who is willing to do you harm.  Your uneasiness is your friend and is telling you something.  Listen to it and run like hell.  And no, he can't ruin your reputation.  Probably the worst he can do is say something nasty about you on TER or elsewhere and there are all kinds of ways to counteract that.  Good luck to you and I hope you hold out for someone who will care about your well-being and treat you better.

He sounds very manipulative...that only gets worse as time goes on...you don't threaten and manipulate someone you love

What are you thinking???  Sounds like a great start to a relationship made in heaven.  Threats, blackmail, etc.  Put on your freakin' sneakers and run like hell!  Don't look back. Look forward to someone who actually cares about you.

Whats he gonna do, give you a bad review??

If you are going to be with someone for a long time (is for the rest of your life even a realistic statement anymore?) you need to feel that you are in a safe and trusting relationship.  A yes or no to that question should tell you what  to do.  Once you make that decision the rest will fall into place.
Bood luck.

Uneasy - I believe it is absolutely possible for a provider and hobbyist to fall in love, and make it in a trusting relationship. I certainly hope so, because I have deep feelings for a certain someone myself.

However, the threats you describe in your post are very bad, and that is NOT a foundation for a trusting relationship. Your hobbyist is probably feeling very insecure about himself (I think I would too) and jealous about your continuing in the biz. These are issues for you two to discuss as caring adults, without the threats. Anyone who desires to ruin your reputation (on TER or anywhere else) is having issues, and that is not a healthy relationship. I would confront him on that, and let him know that if he loves you, he would not be threating you in ANY manner, and that he has to let you by you.

Is adult entertainment a dead-end business? I'm sure you'll get lots of answers to this question, but I don't think it's the main issue in your case. However, I would say in my very, very personal opinion, it seems to me to be a transitional business (not dead end) for a lot of providers. Of the providers I've had the pleasure of meeting, the business seems to meet their needs at the moment (being independent is a very big part of it), but it never seemed to be a long-range or ultimate career for anyone I've talked to. It seems to be a "transition" to something else. "Transitional" is very different from "dead-end" however. You can gain knowledge and valuable life experience from the biz, and who knows, you may even meet your future SO.

Frankly, if you are seriously thinking about committing yourself to someone who treats you like this, you are nuts.  If he really wanted to get you out of the business for your own good rather than HIS, he would be supportive and helpful of anything you did to prepare you for some other gainful career.  As for the adult entertainment business, there ARE many dead ends and wasted lives that result, but there are also many fully actualized, independent, successful entrepreneurial ladies that have made something of themselves in this business.  But they are more the exception than the rule, and in general, they are ladies with the drive, brains, guts, and self-sufficiency to have made it in other fields as well.  Only YOU can determine which of these descriptions fits you.

If he genuinely cared about you, rather than threatening you, he should offer to pay school or any type of career training you choose if you stop providing.  The way he is going about this is simply abusive to you, and it is designed to make you dependent upon him.

Right now the threats are verbal.....what's next.  You need to leave NOW!!!
Don't be so gullible.  There are some nice men out there who will treat you right.  
Also, one bad review isn't the end, so get while the getting is good.  
If it continues after you leave him, you might have to relocate.
But, you need to bail out.
Good luck and keep us posted.

I met my husband in a strip bar in 1996, he was one of my best clients. Took me awhile to sleep with him, and even longer for me to fall in love with him. He was patient and waited. Took him a couple of years to get divorced then another year for to get married. And it's taking a few more years for me to finish school but he is patient, oh so patient. Now we have two kids and are happy as clams.

He was never anything but supportive and was the first man to take care of me without anything in return, the first to tell me that I was smart and worth so much more than what I was doing and that he could help me. He brought me into HIS workplace, called me his "assistant", paid me cash out of HIS pocket for nearly a year and trained me from the ground up. When I decided I wanted to get into another field, he supported me and said he would wait those four years for me to graduate. Next year I will.

If this guy really loved you he would wait for you, he would help you, he would build your confidence, he would support you in every way possible. If you really loved him, you would take those steps yourself, make promises, goals for yourself and keep them. And be honest with him and he with you. If you don't have those things, wait until you do.

see..thats why you can never date clients...you need to get away from him and fast..and yes he can wreck your reputation..I had a client..turn into a stalker..he tried very hard to screw me up..I moved clear across the U.S..but he still tried to bother me..would find out what hotel I was in for (INCALL) and call the front desk to report me..made it very hard to work..I ended up sending someone to have a "talk" with him..he has since left me alone..if you dont have a ton of reviews..try to change your name (for work) and cell #"S call your clients and let them know..and if he tries to report you.. you need to to say its a lie..say he tried to get you to work for him or something..reverse the tables.. and do whatever your conscience will allow you to do to protect yourself and your lively hood....I dont believe in violence unless it is 100% neccessary..so I was able to move to get away..but I will never make the same mistake twice..good luck

Yes I feel like he is trying to make me dependent on him. Its scary to depend on people.  I do believe that I am a good provider who would make it in this business.  I have met alot of really good people who are there to help me. I think he has good intentions until he goes off and makes me feel like shit.  Then I cant work because i get all emotional.  Its so nutts. All this stress makes me extra horny yah know.!!  I am sure that every girl in the business goes through this.  
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I would stay away from any man that threatens you in any way whether he is a client or not.  Unfortunately I have heard many stories from providers about clients that have harrassed and/or stalked them.  On the other hand, I do know one provider (at an AMP) that wound up happily married to one of her clients. I guess anything is possible.. good luck

Lets see now, (since I already know you and him also, and I do admit that I like him to a degree, but it stops there as he and I have already had our disagreements and difficulties in other simmillar directions in regards to you my love),  he has already played a significant part in your recieving your 3 day or quit notice!, paid your rent afterwards with 2, count them 2!!! bounced checks, after taking up all of your time, time in which you would have been making the rent and all tho9se other outstanding bills incurred ever since he entered your life?  I just tried your cell phone and evidently the bills been left unpaid again, as it's its out of service again?  I've tried to offer you what I percieve to be some very sound advice, but I am of little consequence where you two are concerned, a sad truth, but still I try to understand, accept your decisions?  Where I draw the line is if he ever were to hit or harm you physically,?, if this were to happen then he'd probably be in f0or some supreme divine intervension from another source, namely me!!! Believe that love, you are most assuredly loved and that fact remains a certainty!!! You know who and what and where I am if ever the need should arise,  I am also always here for you to offer help, support, and TLC if ever the need should arise, my number still hasn't changed.    Love, You Know Who xoxoxox  P.S.  Don't let this man intimidate or lay any guilt trips on you, it's not your fault!!! He's a grown man, nearly twice your age and he ought t0o be ashamed of himself for the things he does.  There's a lot of good advice here on this board, read it!!!

I picked this part of the thread because this response sounded like it might be him using an alias.  Relationships can be formed between two people even in this industry, but all relationships require trust and communication in order to survive the test of time.

I have starred in the role of the guy who fell in love with the provider and I can relate to his desperation that he feels when threatened by the reality that he cannot provide as well for you as you can.  It is a nightmare to not have a way to hold onto someone that you think you love, and it can make people do things they would normally never even consider.

That doesn't make it alright, but it does say that he cares about you.   But if he really loves you, he will need to learn how to communicate better and resolve the issue.  He met you as a hobbyist and therefore he cannot suddenly deny the reality of what you both are.

But the answer is to find someone who can handle the insecurities that are inevitably going to come up given your occupation.   If he cannot handle it and still resorts to threats even after you talk about it with him, then protect yourself and break it off with him.  

Whatever you do, don't discount your own potential for being happy in life just because you work in this industry.  There are a lot of people who have a lot of respect for providers so don't sell yourself short, no matter what a jilted lover may tell you.

On the flip side, both of you need to realize that this occupation is not something that you can do or will want to do for the rest of your life.  You do have to consider the big picture in life and sometimes you have make some career choices which are not easy to take.