When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?"

You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

eom

Friend of mine is a nurse. He preps people for hemeroid operations...by stretching the patients' anuses so the surgeon can operate without much interference and problems. An asshoole stretcher, if you will.

He was on call a few days ago , got an emergency call for bleeding hemeroids and was rushing to the hospital when a cop pulled him over for driving too fast. The cop asked what's the hurry? My friend explained his predicament, that he was on his way to the hospital for an emergency surgey. The cops asked if he was a doctor. No, said my friend. The best way to describe what I do is I'm an asshole stretcher. The cop thought my friend was screwing with him so he asked my friend, what is an asshole stretcher? My friend explained what he does, how he does it and said there was one patient whose asshole stretched to six feet. The cops was a little dumbfounded and asked my friend, what do you do with a six foot asshole?

Well, said my friend, you dress him up in a cop's uniform and have him hand out speeding tickets.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the  waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down  in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it  into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and  a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from  the last time you were here. What the heck was all that  about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, and disappear for rest of day".