Does your wife know you see providers/hobby?
And if not, why won't you tell her?
What if your wife was seeing a male escort and you did not know?
And what would you think/say if she told you/you found out?

I am just curious ...
I'm pretty sure I know the answers to these questions, but I'd like to 'hear it from the horse's mouth' so to speak.
Kissez everywhere,
Chloe

That sounds like questions for just about all the hobbyists on this site  To start the discussion, I will give it a crack:

1. Does my wife know? This is a much deeper question than it appears on the surface.

I don't think she knows.  I try to be very discreet.  But, I do know that in general women are much more intuitive than men.  I think most women probably know something is going on...  

I also think (outside of STD concerns), she would much prefer me seeing providers to having an affair, as she would view a provider as just about a sexual transaction as opposed to an affair of the heart.

I think deep down she also understands that men's and women's needs are very different.  The classic is she needs to feel close to have sex.  I need sex to feel close.  I also just need sex - much more than she does.  She really dislikes it when it is clear I just want to have sex and she is what is available as opposed to the feeling I want to have sex with her.  It is a subtle, but very important distinction.

We also live in a world of outsourcing.  She doesn't like housework, so we have a maid to help with that.
She can't keep up with my sexual appetite, so I outsource that.

Finally, we certainly have had our problems and have been to therapy.  Before I went down the provider path, I think I was heavily contemplating separation/divorce.  But, with providers on the side, it is much less of a pressing situation.  I know for many reasons she does not want to get separated/divorced.  She also has a very enviable situation, she does not work and we have help with the housework and kids.  I also think she believes she could do far worse than me.  I actually think, given the choice, she would opt for the current situation over the alternative.

2. Why won't you tell her?  I wouldn't volunteer the information because I know deep down she doesn't want to know.  It sounds old fashion, but there is honor in not knowing.

3. What if my wife was seeing male escort and what would I think?  Take a look at how many male escorts you see listed on various websites relative to female.  100 to 1?  500 to 1?  1000 to 1?!?  Women do not need to see an escort - most men can easily be seduced for free  I know of more than a few women that have opted for the affair with the personal trainer, tennis/golf pro, etc.  So I guess I would be pissed if she was paying for something she could get for free

I do believe most humans are not made to be monogamous.  I do think several other cultures have a more healthy and realistic view towards sex outside of marriage.  I would certainly get more information about her tryst.  But, maybe I am more open to the idea than most.  I could see it not changing our relationship much, I could see it bringing us closer, I could see it creating a more open marriage, and I could also see it ending our marriage...

So so so so so so so happy I'm single and not married.

Dealing with a significant other has to be stressful.  When I'm dating someone in civilian life, I don't hobby.  Of course, I've never disclosed to a civilian girlfriend that I enjoy pay for play sessions either.  Never hid it exactly, just never volunteered it.  

Have to believe that the divorce rate would be even higher if husbands couldn't see providers on the side for fun and physical relief.  Having asked numerous providers about this over the years, my sense is that probably 65 percent of hobbyists are married or in long-term relationships.  Maybe that number is high, but I've asked a lot of girls about how many clients they have who are married and most girls tell me that a large majority of their clients are married.  

And I'm confident that the civilians that I've dated would be pissed as hell if they knew that I was seeing someone on the side.  It takes a special personality to accept and welcome open/swinging/polyamorous relationships.  Not a lot of civilian girls are open to that.  I've only dated a couple of civilian girls who told me that they didn't care if I was sleeping with other women.  And, of course, I immediately loved them for that and didn't mess around on them.  

Reverse psychology, so powerful, so obvious, so not subtle, so much fun to use...........

if there is one truth in life, we all pay for it -- just in different ways.

1. no she does not know- at least I do not think she knows
2. I won't tell her because I think it would hurt her and probably lead to a divorce
3. if my wife was seeing a male escort and I found out, I would think it served me right because on a sexual level she needs more than I offer.

Bottom line- lots of guilt about seeing providers. Should I come clean- do the inevitable. Why would I'd rather have sex with almost anyone other than my wife? Why have I spent so much money doing this- our money-Our children's money etc. In a way, I am the ultimate coward. There you go- honest enough answers for you?

So there is a method to my madness in asking this series of questions.
Being Hetaera, I am trained in the sexual arena on many different levels and I am thoroughly interested in finding a way to bring healing and happiness to us all. I truly understand that there are circumstances which lead us down certain paths in life. I also understand the sexual urges we are slave to. My goal is to invent the possibility to bring a new definition to what we now term Hobbying.
I have been a CMT for 16 years and I've been a Life coach now for 2 years as well as dabbling in Sexual therapy for singles and couples the last 4 years. I have had much success in all these areas and have clientele with the results to prove it.
I believe the gents who responded to my query on the board and via PM are pretty much all on the same page in regard to the questions I asked. What I'd like to know now is if you guys would be willing to work on these issues with your SO to create a world in which we can all win. My intention would be  not just seeing the men but also their wives, whether in couples or singly. I would like to educate all on how to create the space in which man and wife can have amazing sex together as well as share awesome interactions with me  
If I could have my way ... She would be happy to share him as she is not threatened by it because when shared properly your cock can be community property when your heart is hers . And vice versa. While it is a male majority to seek out a professional companion - there are women whom do seek out gigolos to be entertained by - the reason for both in my opinion, is because as a professional we are supposed to be knowledgeable and good at what we do in said profession.

Now you all know where my heart is in all this sexy stuff!
Can't we all just get along ... even on the home front?!
Kiss me til I faint,
Chloe

I think John's first post on this  thread is right on the money.  In my humble, and probably flawed opinion, many SOs in a long term relationship with all creature comforts and and a semi affluent life style do not list sex or sensuality with the male as a high priority.  I think they would rather not be bothered most of the time--As such I do think many turn a blind eye to providers--I also agree that providers v. an affair is probalby a lot less offensive to the SO

Chloe--as to your thoughts on providing a service to both, I don't think most SO s would even consider it.  I have tried getting my SO to see a counselor, take hormones--anything to jump start her---but there is no interest--sadly many of my good friends seem to be in the same position--interestingly I do have one close male friend who has a goregeous and very sensual  spouse--and HE has no interest--he would rather fish or play golf.

What we really need is a "sex pool"  where those who want to play can, and those who don't have any interest can pursue some other activity.--That is why our lovely providers arew so much in demand.

To touch on your point about involving the wife in play -- most guys are doing this (form my experience) because their wives are in the "off" mode of their sexual journey. AKA menopause. Even if they might be okay with their man seeing others or doing a double their drive just isn't there. Bringing it up when there is no sexual charge left could result in unsavory results like questions of faithfulness, the wife becoming more watchful or even outright fury at the thought.


I for one am the jealous type and don't like sharing my man (when I have one). Lots of my boyfriends ask to do a double and I say "okay, what should he look like" LOL. I could share my man for a double BJ or something but not for sex. I just don't want to share someone even if there is a double standard. Sorry! So, I can put myself in many wife's perspectives and know I would probably go off the handle if my man who I was married to for many years begins suggesting 3-ways or possibly getting needs met elsewhere. But that's just me.

It's not just menopause -- although that's a huge issue with respect to hormones and sex drive for women.  Once women start having children in their late 20s and early to mid-30s, their sex drive collapses.  I have a number of married friends who have confided in me that their wives lost almost all interest in regular, passionate sex once kids were in the household.  I stay with a good friend of mine about one week a month (business travel to another city).  He and his wife have three kids and they are all awesome -- but feeding, entertaining, bathing, educating, and watching three young kids is exhausting.  I know that their sex life is effectively non-existent.  There is nothing sexy about having to clean up dirty diapers and cook for 5 people two or three times a day, 7 days a week.  

I'm kind of shocked that there isn't a larger market for hetero male escorts in the United States.  Apparently it is fairly common in Australia for straight women to hire male escorts for sex.

I mean, let's be honest, how many bored housewives are out there who would jump at the chance to get in the sack with Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, or Colin Farrell?  Hell, how many providers on this board would jump at that chance?  90 percent?  95 percent?

But husbands and wives rarely discuss such desires -- it's just an unspoken rule.  So ChloeWilde's suggestion, although progressive, doesn't seem likely to generate much change in the way things are done.  French people are way cooler about this stuff -- it's a free-for-all over there (I read an article once; so it must be true, right?).

I hobby simply because I enjoy sex (perhaps even crave it) and my wife is not interested in it.  She is never "in the mood" because she is a little overweight and as she puts it "doesn't feel sexy". She will service me anytime I ask for it, but to be honest, I am tired of getting mercy blowjobs as a substitution for a real, healthy sexual relationship.  I want her to have sex with me because she is horny and wants it.  Not because she feels it is her wifely duty to keep my sexual desires satisfied.  To answer your questions...I think if she knows, she doesn't mind.  Would I tell her? Only in response to her confronting me with it.  I won't lie to her if asked.  I would mind if I found out she was seeing a male escort because she has a willing male partner in her bed almost every night.  You would think 25 years of marriage would have helped us communicate more.

No my wife doesn't know I see providers
I won't tell her because there is no upside to it. I doubt she would be ok with the idea.
If my wife was seeing a man at all. Escort or boyfriend. My reaction would be extremely severe.

Now an explanation. I see providers for things I don't get from home. Basic things like sex with any frequency, types of sex like BJ, anal, or anything else really. Our marriage has no other real issues but the sexual issue is a huge one and one that has come up many times in arguments and confrontations. She tells me as her excuse that she just doesn't and never has had a sex drive. There is nothing she can do about it. So I am forced into seeing providers or ending the marriage. Not such a simple prospect with almost 2 decades in the marriage and several kids at home.

If however, I were to find her with another man, that would put the lie to her explanation and be such an extreme slap in my face due to the hell I have had to endure emotionally over that very thing for decades...and I would not take it well at all.

oh. Baby, you make it sound so simple. I wish that it was. But the reality is, something happens to some women that causes their sexual desire to shut down. I don't kow if it's children, menopause or wht it is. I have given up trying to understand, so I Hobby. And I love it. At the same time I have met providers who are "mature,"have children, are or were married, and can't get enough sex. Thank goodness! I have met some who did not begin providing until their 40's and they are making up for lost time. Far be it from me to ubderstand women, I choose to enjoy each and every one I can.
Thanks for the discussion, your FT.

No she doesn't but has suspected for quite some time.  

She is a bit prudish already, I don't want to confirm her suspicion of the last three years..  It would crush her she, it's her second marriage and although I almost left a decade ago I simply couldn't bear to see her in the state she was in back then yet again.

If the shoe was on the other foot and I did not know ... Well I wouldn't know would I?
If she told me or I found out ... See above statement about how I couldn't leave her and cross it out,  not out of being hurt but it really changes everything about why I'm still married.

No she does not know I see providers

If I told her two things would happen. i would break her heart( I do not want to hurt anyone) and as a result she would force a dramatic impact on my life that i spent a lifetime reaching.

If seeing a male escort made her happy i would be cool with that.

If she found out.. see 2 above. (we have had the talk) If I found out she was seeing one the world would be beautiful as we would be starting on a new adventure!