Well, most of you know by now my gig here is "Serial Dating".  I'm pretty low key, I like to meet about 4 new guys a month, give or take two.  Share some sushi and relax for a couple of hours.  

I think the most I've dated was 8 in a month and that seemed like a TON but it was FUN and it didn't kill me or anything.  And I had a month where because of scheduling difficulties and vacations and all it was just 2, but it happened to be my favorite 2 so that was FUN also!

Ok now, to my point.  I get bored or weirded out or it's hard to describe, exactly when I start having multiple dates with the same guy.  Like at the 4th date, pretty much.  I never do overnights, because I like to sleep at night. I get requested but the firm answer is NO.

I love early morning dates.  Either way, when it gets to about 4 and that level of closeness starts in, I'm ready to scoot along.  I just start ignoring the calls/emails and I look for new people to date.

Now this 4 date thing isn't a firm rule.  Out of town guys that come in town not so often might get by with more dates, assuming they only contact me when their coming to town, we have the date and they're gone, only to be heard from when they want to make the date. A clinical cleanliness, so to speak.

I suppose it's the guy that starts to get "boyfriendy" on me that I run from.  The one that wants a dinner date or a concert or more depth and deeper topics from me than weather, sports and cars.  The one that expresses something more than wanting to relax for a couple hours and let that be that.  The one that says he's thinking about me between meetings.

Are ya feeling me?  I'm a great topical person, but I just don't want to go there.

I've already had the great love of my life. It's why I'm here.

No disrespect, but I'm not looking for another love of my life among guys that date via the internet.

I've had more than once situtation of late where a guy is blowing up my phone and email account wondering why why why and I just don't want to deal with the let down because they seem somewhat frenzied and MAD.. almost like a stalker type.

And I know what kind of backchanneling boys do here, so I don't know what they're telling you about me. Or what they might tell you about me.  It's kind of scary the power they hold.

I suppose the best thing to do is never date locals at all?

OK, that's my Sunday Morning Vent. Feel free to comment.

Geez, the reason I serial date with an Advertisement on Eros Guide is so that nobody will get weird. The boundaries seem to be there. I guess there's never a gaurantee.  

AND I've GOT A FAT BUTT!

Thanks for reading.

xoxo
Elise

-- Modified on 8/2/2004 8:45:09 AM

Well, I think your post is something we all can relate to.
While providing a Girlfriend EXPERIENCE, it is not to be confused with Girlfriend, and it can be intricate indeed.

For the guys, I think it's great when they become comfortable enough with one person that they don't really need to see anyone else, but I think it's BEST if they can find THREE that they feel friendly and comfortable with and divide their time between the three. I have found that that pretty much solves the 'stickiness' of the situation.

And, no, you don't have a fat butt.

There are a few guys who post on boards about "falling" for ladies.

That is a problem they have to deal with.

If the serial "datee's" are starting to get to close to you, it's fair enough for you to pull back to cool the feelings.

That said, I think it's rude of you to just ignore calls and emails because you've reached the magic "fourth date".

At the very least, you have an obligation to tell the guys you are no longer interested. Once you make it clear you no longer wish to see them, THEN it is appropriate to ignore the calls and emails.

Having made your post on TER, I would hope that guys will get the clue and realize that after the third/fourth date, they have minimal chance to see you and that should lessen your burden considerably.

Your admitting to ignoring calls and emails touched a nerve with me. I can accept if a lady does not want to see me, but have the frickin' courage to at least tell me not to contact you anymore. That blowoff/ignoring crap is total BS.

There's an old saying : "If you want to become sought after, make yourself scarce."  By doing what you feel is the right thing to do you have to consider the "ripple effect" that it will create. I've discovered that a shockingly large per cent of all individuals want what they can't have and will work hard at trying to find a way to get it. I hope none of them feel the necessity to drop by unexpected, that could make for a very uncomfortable situation. Sedona has the right idea, rotating between 2 or 3 ladies is the optimum plan, that way there is enough time in between visits so the familiarity is there but the personal content is limited. I understand your position and do "feel" your concerns but you should really let the guys know either directly or tell them you just don't have an availability.

"I just start ignoring the calls/emails and I look for new people to date."  In addition to JBirdCA's take on this being total 'BS', I think it's just another sign of disrespect for someones time, feelings, etc.

you should tell the guy this up front and tell him its just to have fun and nothing more. guys who want to fall in love with providers have major problems and need to get help. just my opinion

Well, I agree about ignoring calls and emails, JBird.  I see how just getting to it would solve it in most cases, I guess in a case of a guy that's already past the boundary even though I've tried to show it to him already, I was worried what that might set off in  him.  Your advice is good.

HOWEVER,  The couple of guys that I am thinking about (one more than another in particular) had pretty much ignored what I had to say about dates, like "NO, I don't want to go out in public with you." And kept requesting such, and also had, on the phone made what seemed like some really off the wall comments out of left field that were so odd that I just didn't know how to respond.

After that I got really rambling emails saying stuff that NOBODY in this type of dating relationship should ever ever put on paper in any forum.  Get my drift?

So I felt pretty much like ignoring the repeated calls and emails was the best way to handle the behavior.  I had considered blocking the calls and emails but thought that would ignite even more oddness.

We're not talking about someone that understands boundaries like yourself, JBird.  We're talking about someone that is clearly dating as though this was just picking someone up in a bar, and I've always done this "serial dating" BECAUSE it had clearly set boundaries in my mind.

While I agree that normally it's fair to say that after about four dates or so I should say Fairwell, Solong Alverderzain(SP) Goodbye.... I think in these cases that I'm talking about, I'm WAY past that point and that would only lead to a guy being REALLY UNHAPPY.  Like to the point of libel and slander.

Which is why I made the post here.  To say, "It isn't you, it's me...Which is why I 'serial date'. I just don't do long term relationships and that pretty much starts with public forums or the fifth date.  It was real, it was fun, it's pretty much played itself out.  That's all."

I guess what it comes down to is that I date on a stacatto relationship basis truly because I really don't feel like I want or need to make an excuse about next time.  We make a date, it happens, and it's over... no promises, no lies, and that's that.  If we happen to make another date, great, if not, NOT.  If a girl doesn't answer your calls or emails, move on.  Assume it's about her and not you. REALLY.  I mean what if I don't want to date the guy the second time.  Should I answer the phone/email and say I don't want to date you ever again or should I have to LIE?

So question #2.. would you rather be #1 Lied to  #2 Ignored or #3 Told, "I really didn't click with you/Not clicking with you any longer"   ????

Thanks for your comments, JBird/Sedona

xoxo
Elise



-- Modified on 8/3/2004 8:53:24 AM

JBIRD already commented on ignoring the emails and calls section so I'll just concentrate on the bigger picture.

I'm not a local so some of what Elise is talking about would apply differently to me. But I have been known to have ladies fly to where I'm going so your location isn't always my number one deciding factor.

Anyway, truth be told if I see you more than once then I did fall for you in a small way. I'm fairly certain I'm not a stalker or trying to make you my girlfriend but there are probably 6 girls in different parts of the country that I would see on a regular basis if my checkbook permits.  One of them I have seen 3 times. When we're together its like we're friends - accept that somewhere during the evening she turns into a nympho and I get to have great time with my friend - and oh yeah I pay her to hang out with me.  But by Elise's count I would only get one more night and I have to say that would really suck.

Two things (there are others of course) that are very hard to find in life - someone you would want to be friends with, and someone who is willing to molest you the way your wife used  when you want her to!  If Elise was one of my ATFs and cut me off after date #4 I'd be really pissed after putting in all that investment.  It takes work to be friends. It takes work to open up sexually to a stranger and get to the REAL you wrapped in those crisp ben franklins.   By date four I'm thinking ya just might have this whole arrangement working smoothly. Let's also not forget that that by date four you may be at $6-8k plus expenses and now you've just finally gotten to where you're having perfect, no strings, no holding back raunchy sex.  I have yet to be with a lady (pro or civvie) where it didn't get better with practice.

I mean really if I wanted to start over again all the damn time  I would call an agency.  

And if all I wanted to do was get off I could beat off. She doesn't want there to be intimacy or much of a connection and she gets burned out after having to maintain four conversations with one guy.  My response is "that's what GFE fucking stands for!"  That's what sets you apart from an agency girl or a ranch girl. We go to GFE indies because we want that fantasy, that fake connection. We know its fake but its better than the alternatives. So it seems that the guys ought to know up front:  "Look I can put on a happy face, listen to your bullshit for awhile and pretend to be interested and I can fuck your brains out. BUT you only get four shots, so pace yourself because if you like me and you call you'll run out. Might I suggest a quarterly installment plan. We can party every three months for one year and then I'm kicking you to the curb."

Thanks for your advice.

xoxo
Elise

Yeah, I guess direct is the right option.  I DO have availability, so that would be a lie.  That goes against my nature.

I'm just hoping that by saying "NO" in any fashion, that I don't get myself in a worse pickle.

I really did think guys that dated this way understood the date was for the time of the date and after that nothing was promised.  I don't like the idea of breaking up with a guy that I'm not in a relationship with!

I really do appreciate the positive posts that those of you who have chosen to make insightful, positive comments have made.

I just want to clarify that if there were a deep connection and any type of real friendship, I would probably want more than four dates.  I have been in that situation a couple of times before and it was peachy.  In those cases, the dates just stopped and I certainly didn't feel the need for an explanation. Nor did I feel dumped. I didn't send emails or make calls with inquiries as to "WHY?". This type of dating is what it is and I'm quite focused about that.  

Anyway this just isn't that type of situation in the deals that I've mentioned here. It's topical friendships to me with only three-five hours invested with most of the talk about nothing of importance. When a person is thinking about me between dates and the feeling isn't mutual, I'd feel unethical to continue the dating relationship.

Thanks for the words,Mithrandir.

xoxo
Elise

I thought I made this clear enough.

When you decide you no longer want to see someone, the first time they contact you, the ideal scenario is for you to tell them that you are no longer interested in their companionship (obviously you can phrase it better than I just did, however, the purpose is to make it clear that you won't be seeing them again). The first contact attempt should be acknowledged.

Once you have made it clear that you are no longer interested, THEN you are perfectly justified in ignoring further contact attempts.

If I say no, I expect that to be the end of it. If I say not now, that implies there may be future availability. Pay attention to how you say no.

So Sedona isn't perfect, well, she is, but that's another story.

Thanks for the positive input there, Visitor's friend.

You see, I got into this type of dating because I wanted to spend a couple of hours here and there relaxing with no need for questions, promises or lies. (Have you EVER bothered to read my advertisement?)

So, I apparently mistakenly figured that when one half or the other stopped returning calls/emails that meant the gig was over.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and I dared to write emails to the guy after a date, or call him, not just once but multiple times wanting to know what was wrong?  (I say my "thank you" at the door and delete and shred all information immediately!)

See I happen to have very clear boundaries and this is what it is, a date for the specified period, no more, no less. And if we CONNECT again, then we do, if we don't, WE DON'T.

In this case, we don't.  Whatever was in his head is only there.

I'd be completely a gold digging WITCH to continue on, and I apparently mistakenly thought it was easier on a guy to just fade away.  Now THAT would be disrespect for his feelings and time, not cutting him off as I'm trying to do the right way.

The other's pointed out very graciously why it's easier for them to hear something.  And I'm taking it into consideration.

Thing is I'm no liar.  I'll have to just say there isn't something there for me like there is for him, and that pisses me off somewhat and I think that's BS.

I shouldn't have to BREAK UP with a guy that isn't my boyfriend.

However, because of JBird and the other responses, I'll reconsider what to do... as I asked for some input and it all seems to be pointing one direction.

Of course, statistically speaking, one has to take into account that the people responding did so because they have a personal attachment to the story.

Also, hopefully, the guy(s) again one much more than another will, by now, have seen themselves and understand.

I just wish I was perfect, like Sedona.  She's my Hero.

E

Well, then I have said "no" if it's as simple as that.  To two separate invitations. I think that's the only thing I could have said.  A simple "no, thanks".   I think I acknowledged four contacts total (including the two "no thanks" before they started to get super uncomfortable for me.

It was when I realized he just didn't hear it and I didn't want to say it more emphatically or with any explanation that I went into IGNORE mode. I did expect my "no" for that to be the end of it.

I'm most certain he'll see this and it will be the end of it.

In the second case, the guy hasn't even left a message or an email, I just see the "missed call" number, and I am not the type to return a call unless I'm left explicit instructions to do so.  I don't think that's really an "ignore" since there hasn't been a request.

Thanks again, JBird.

xoxo
Elise

Elise,

It is soooo funny that I run across this post now, as I was getting to know a young (turning 20 next week) Dancer out there in SD, and she is moving here to Phx next month. As of recent, she stopped calling, texting, everything, so I take what you said about ignoring thankfully to heart. Me, I can take the reality of anything, I just have never been left hanging like this (As I am what they call a pretty MF in black circles).

Anyway, my opinion is to be straight forward and tell them. Thats how I would like it at least.

Adonis

I have had the opposite experiance. I am an experienced hobbyist and have been seeing several GFE over the years. I enjoy immensly the GFE experiance and this sometimes is as important to me as the physical attraction.

About  year ago one of my ATF GFE introduced me to her friend. I was plesantly surprised by her freind as we had much in common . The relationship professional and exciting was different than those in the past .

After about the 4th  date I relized that there was a strong attraction to me. It was more than the normal GFE experiance and

I was thrilled at the prospect but I was not able to recprocate and felt that things were better left to their own course.

But  needeless to say with out the recprocal feeling we had a physical falling out and perhaps a bit of envy or jelousy on her
part towards her friend that introduced us .

Things fell apart rapidly and I felt now that the roles were reversed. The conection that she had to me was reversed and now

I am struggling to rekindle the old spark.
I feel now that I should cool it and go on to some other GFE and forget.Back to the FUN part forget emotions and go on Its a service isnt it?  

Perhaps the four date rule would have been appropriate in this situation. Should I still try to rekindle or go on to new territory?

"While together there need be no questions, no promises."

Maybe I should make that more clear!!

Thanks for pointing it out!

xoxox
Elise

I agree that you would be lying but there again it may save a persons feelings and avoid any kind of uncomfortable situation. After a couple of dates with an individual you should know who you can do this to and who needs the direct approach. I don't think most men go into this with the idea of getting attached but let's be honest, sometimes it just happens. Where the men have to get realistic is with themselves, is it infactuation, lust or the real thing. Hard to determine which of these it is unless the guy truly "knows" who he is. Have you ever felt more than you know you should with a client? I know there are certain lines that should never be crossed by either party and was curious to know if you've ever willing crossed these yourself or have let a client cross them knowingly. There appears to be much more here than meets the eye.

Elise,

It's good to see you taking a mature, measured response to the comments on this thread.  I hope you'll ultimately reconsider your ("4 & out") approach - on your own terms - and develop a pool of regulars on which to draw, in addition to breaking ini a few new guys now and again.  

Why pay several hundrered of dollars a month for advertising if your plan is see a guy three or four times, then dump him?  Return on Investment right?  This IS a business...

As a person, you've grown a lot during the past year.  I think you might was well keep going; take a look at the origin of the "4 dates and out, unless....." rule.  What's in it for you?  In obtaining what you want, is it the only conceivable approach, or just the only approach you've conceived thus far to address the root problem.  If you see the alternatives, you can qualify them.