What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.
After 40 years of marriage, doing it "Doggie Style" could mean rolling over and playing dead.
How do you get a nun pregnant??
You fuck her.
(or dress her up as a choir boy)
A eeally blonde and a really tall brunette are standing in an elevator and a short man walks in with a bunch of dandruff in his hair. The brunette leans over to the blonde and says "this guy can really use some Head and Shoulders!"
The blonde looks at her confused...
And whispers "How do you give shoulders?"
A midget and a tall woman are on an elevator.
The midget turns to the woman and asks: "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman, surprised and flustered replied: "No! You certainly can not!!"
The midget then says, "Ah, it must be your feet then...."
A man comes home and tells his wife he was fired for putting his cock in the pickle slicer. His distraught wife tells him she does not understand what possessed him to do such a thing. He replies it had been going on for some time and they fired the pickle slicer too.
Why do brides smile so profusely on their wedding day?
Cause they know their days of giving YOU blowjobs are over......
Do you know who the most popular guy at a nudist colony is?
The man that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.....
goes to his doctor for a check-up and much to the doctor's amazement, he seems healthier than last year, so the doctor asks him what his secret is. The senior gent explains that he married a 25-year-old girl and they have sex every night for four hours. The doctor is dumbfounded, and says, "Aren't you afraid of a heart attack?" The old guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "If she dies, she dies."
A Texan enters a bar in rural Alaska. He keeps putting Alaska down, saying that everything is bigger and better in Texas. "Why in Texas, when you make a mixed drink, you don't count the ice." To which one of the Alaskans told him to "Shut up, or we'll cut Alaska in half and make Texas the THIRD largest state!" This rivalry continued for some time until the Alaskans called out a challenge: "We don't consider a man a man around here unless he can down a fifth of whiskey at a single pull from the bottle, wrestle a grizzly bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman, all in the same night!" After several back and forths, the Texan agreed to test himself by these prescribed Alaskan standards. The Texan ordered a fifth of whiskey and downed it without any trouble, and asked where he could find a grizzly bear. The Alaskans assured him that the surrounding hills were filled with grizzlies, and that by going out just a short way, the bear would likely find him. The Texan went out the door into the cold and the Alaskans went back to their merrymaking, sure this was the last they would see of the new-found "friend." Two hours later, the door flew open, and in staggered the Texan, his clothes ripped to tatters, and his body scratched and bloodied. "All right!" he bellows. "Now where's that Eskimo woman you want me to wrestle?"
A hunter in out in the woods one day when off in the distance he see's a bear and says to himself, "That would be the perfect trophy for my den." So he lifts his rifle, takes aim and shoots at the bear. Then runs down to where the bear is suppose to be and when he gets there he can't find to bear. Well just then the bear jumps out from behind a tree, grabs the rifle and chucks it as go as it will go and then grabs the hunter and says to him, "You know, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of you guys coming into my home trying to kill me but, just to show you I'm the fair one. I'll give you a choice. You can either let me maul you to death or you can get on your knees and give me a blowjob!" Well the hunter thinks about this for a moment and says, "I don't want to get mauled to death..." so he drops to his knees and gives the bear a blowjob.
When he's done the hunter goes the bear let's him go and he goes back into town and gets himself a sawed-off shotgun, goes back out to the same woods and see's the same bear off in the distance. He aims the shotgun and fires at the bear. Then goes running down to where the bear is suppose to be but can't find him anywhere. Just then the bear jumps out from behind a bush, grabs the shotgun and chucks it as far as it will go, grabs the hunter, recognizes him and the bear says, "Oh it's you again. Well since you came back I'll give you the same choice I gave you last time, let me maul you to death or get on your knees and give me a blowjob!" The hunter thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, I don't want to be mauled to death..." so he drops to his knees and gives the bear a blowjob.
When the hunter's done the bear let's him go and he goes back into town and gets an elephant gun! He goes back out to the same woods and see's the same bear. He fires his elephant gun at the bear, runs downs to where the bear is suppose to be but can't find him anywhere. Just then the bear jumps out from behind a rock, grabs the elephant gun, chucks it as far as it will go. Grabs the hunter, recognizes him and the bear puts his arm around the hunter's shoulder and the bear says to the hunter, "Come on level me. You're not really in this for the hunting are you?"
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: "Erection" day.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Taoism = Shit happens.
Buddhism = If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam = If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism = Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism = Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism = This shit happened before.
Catholicism = Shit happens but confess you caused it
Hare Krishna = Shit happens outside airports
T.V. Evangelism = Send me more shit.
Atheism = No shit.
Jehova's Witness = Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism = There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science = Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism = Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism = Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism = What is shit anyway?
Stoicism = This shit doesn't bother me.
Not really bright, but smoking hot. As I went down for DATY, I saw she had a tattoo of a conch shell on the inside of her right thigh. I remarked it was an odd place for a tattoo. She said, " Maybe so, but it turned out to be really cool. One of my customers told me if you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean."
My father told me that during the Great Depression in the 1930's there were many women whom had been laid off by school districts, hospitals and offices. In one community a brothel had been set up to help these women earn some money.
As you might expect, over time the women whom had been teachers all ended up on the third floor, the nurses ended up on the second floor, and the secretaries on the first floor.
After a while , it seemed that visiting men (and the occasional woman) were all walking up to the third floor.
On night my father asked one of the men as he came down the stairs why the teachers were so popular.
He replied "The teachers make you do it over and over until you get it right."
What do anal sex and spinach have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably don't like it as an adult.....