Who the hell cares? Here, I’ll give you a better story.
PUTIN REPORTEDLY SUFFERING FROM ITCHY ASSHOLE.
Reports have serviced that Russian President, Vladimir Putin is suffering from an itchy asshole. Reports weren’t clear on the cause, but Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer speculated that it may have been from a combination of too much Borscht soup and vodka. The Minority Leader said, “I know whenever I drink too much vodka I get the runs for days. You can’t keep up with all the wiping and it gets itchy back there.”
Attempts to reach the Russian President for comment were not fruitful as the Kremlin seems to be keeping this story under wraps. But one person close to Putin speaking anonymously said, “you have to understand. This is Russia. We eat the Borscht. We drink the vodka. It all comes out diarrhea. This is why we Russians always invade countries. We looking for more TP.”
Former President Barack Obama weighed in on the issue saying, “perhaps President Putins asshole would be less itchy if he had a better diet. Perhaps he should eat some broccoli. Or spicy mustard. Michelle has often done a great job making sure my own asshole is always clean and never itchy.”
President Trump lamented the situation, saying he was going to rise tariffs on Russian vodka to avoid Americans getting itchy assholes themselves. Then the President appeared to confuse Borscht soup with a dog breed, thinking that Putin was eating poodles.
Rachel Maddow said something needs to be done immediately about Putin’s itchy asshole. Maddow said on MSNBC that, “Russia has more nuclear weapons than any other country on earth. If Putin’s asshole is itchy for much longer, it could pose a grave threat for the safety of all humanity.
