Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

1.     Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him  and  a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

2.    Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

3.    The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

4.    A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

5.    Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
Hillary Clinton.

6.    The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7.    If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8.    A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9.    Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

10.  HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

11.  Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

12.  A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense   policy.

13.  Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

14.  The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's  drunk driving record is none of our business.

15.  Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

16.  You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

17.  What Bill Clinton did in  his private life in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in  his professional and political life in the '80s is irrelevant.

18.    John Kerry, after enlisting to fight in Vietnam, earning
multiple medals for heroism and leadership, returns home to lobby
against the war after his experiences, is "unfit" to be
Commander-in-Chief, but George Bush getting into the Texas Air National Guard through his daddy's influence and then repeatedly fails to report for duty because he'd rather get drunk and high is "better able to defend America."

19.    Social Security, Medicare, Unemployment Insurance, Welfare, even public education are all dangerous socialism, but corporate welfare, bailing out companies (Chrysler, the airlines, etc.), farm subsidies, allowing off-shore incorporation to avoid taxes are all free market policies.

20.    Government should not interfere with the business, commercial, environmental welfare of the nation, but should control and regulate citizen's personal affairs.

Things you have to believe to be a Democrat today:

1.     That George Bush and Tony Blair lied when they said Saddam Hussein had WMDs, but Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Kerry, John Edwards, the French, the Germans, and the Russians did not.

2.    Trade with Cuba is OK because Fidel Castro is an old vestige of a dying system, but trade with South Africa was bad because it is more effective to isolate than engage its racist leaders.

3.    The United States should surrender decisionmaking over national security to an "international test," and give the French a veto over American national security.  After all, the French have done so well in defending themselves in the last 100 years.

4.    A woman can't be trusted to decide where her child goes to school, but can be trusted with the decision to kill him or her, and teachers' unions have the best interests of children at heart.

5.    Islam is a "religion of peace," and respects the rights of homosexuals and women like Hillary Clinton.

6.    The best way to improve military morale is to surrender at the first sign of trouble, put fags in the foxholes, indulge every social[ist] engineering fantasy with the military, and talk about increasing veterans' benefits and combat pay as a vote-buying scheme.

7.    If condoms are put into schools, it won't increase or encourage adolescent sex.

8.    A good way to fight terrorism is to treat it as a "law enforcement problem," and just a "nuisance," while pretending that all our recalcitrant "allies" are pining for is your enlightened leadership.

9.    Americans who make bad decisions have a claim on the fruits of your labors so they can get health insurance.

10.    Health insurance is a "right," but you can't use your own television stations to tell the truth about John Kerry.

11.    Labor unions have the best interests of the public at heart.

12.    Government should ban tobacco, but legalize heroin, cocaine, marijuana, and all drugs.

13.    Bill Clinton's lies under oath in a civil suit, in order to deny justice to Paula Jones, wasn't a lie and wasn't an impeachable offense, but George Bush's reliance upon faulty intelligence and repetition of the same conclusions drawn by every analyst in the world is a lie worthy of censure.

14.    The courts should rule on issues clearly in the Constitution, like the well-known abortion-on-demand and fag marriage clauses.

15.   The public has a right to know about George Bush's drunk driving record, but Bill Clinton's medical records and John Kerry's divorce records were none of our business.

16.   Drugs should be legal, but those who don't use them should have to bear the costs of the consequences to those who do.

17.   Putting a ban on fag marriage in the Constitution is an undue infringement on states' rights, but courts in one state should be able to legalize fag marriage and require it to be recognized in every other state.

18.    What John Kerry did as a public figure in the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s --- being wrong on every major defense and foreign policy issue --- is irrelevant.

19.    That America should have to pass an "international test" before taking military action, like the one George H.W. Bush passed in 1991 before freeing Kuwait --- which John Kerry opposed.

20.    That negative assessments of John Kerry by the men who served with him are less valid than nebulous charges of favoritism, drinking, and drug use by a whoremonger on an anonymous board.

21.    Social Security, Medicare, Unemployment Insurance, Welfare, even public education aren't socialism, but corporate welfare, bailing out companies (Chrysler, the airlines, etc.), farm subsidies, allowing off-shore incorporation to avoid taxes are all free market policies.

22.    Government shouldn't protect the life of unborn children, but is best qualified to educate them.


-- Modified on 10/14/2004 9:15:13 AM

>>1.     That George Bush and Tony Blair lied when they said Saddam Hussein had WMDs, but Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Kerry, John Edwards, the French, the Germans, and the Russions did not.

You conveniently forget that all the abovementioned were in favor of using international inspectors to ascertain the status of WMDs and development programs, and that the latest reports prove the validity of that.

>>2.    Trade with Cuba is OK because Fidel Castro is an old vestige of a dying system, but trade with South Africa was bad because it is more effective to isolate than engage its racist leaders.

Trade with Cuba is OK because the best way to combat a repressive socialist regime is to show it's citizens the benefits of the capitalist system, ala Eastern Europe. The VCR and satellite TV did more to bring down the wall than sanctions.

>>3.    The United States should surrender decisionmaking over national security to an "international test," and give the French a veto over American national security.  After all, the French have done so well in defending themselves in the last 100 years.

You really need to listen, and accurately reflect what was said. The International Test Kerry referred to was clearly delineated in his original statement and subsequent references in later debates. What was actually said was that decisions to go to war must be made based on open and honest communication of reasons that will be acceptable to the world community in hindsight, not an ever-evolving fantasy based on lies.

Misrepresentations of statements, half-truths and fantasies are hardly germane to the political dialogue, but are representative of the desperation evident in a party that actually trashes Democratic voter registrations, for example.

Oh, and by the way - as for your 'fags in foxholes' comment - the peacetime military was pretty active in ferreting out homosexuals despite 'don't ask, don't tell', but GWB's war machine seems reluctant to get rid of perfectly good cannon-fodder just because they like to suck dick. Discharges for that reason have dropped precipitously since the advent of the Iraq invasion and occupation.

Come back when you can make valid points or perhaps can show that Bush & Co have actually lived up to any promises save those made to Enron et al. Maybe you can start with a demonstration of GWB's much touted 'Compassionate Conservatism."

-- Modified on 10/14/2004 4:26:30 PM