I want to apologize, but it appears that a secretary in my office, Alberta Gore, has forged my signature and given you an erroneous report about your son's progress in our school. I wanted to set the record straight. Rest assured that Ms. Gore's services have been terminated, and will remain so, notwithstanding her demands for a recount and legal action taken to overturn our decision.
Contrary to Ms. Gore's misrepresentations your son, George, is doing just fine, as we'd expected when he embarked on his four-year program at our school. Indeed, I anticipate that we will shortly be suggesting that he continue his studies in our four-year post-graduate program.
We must apologize for the scurrilous misrepresentations made by Ms. Gore in her fraudulent letter to you. It is difficult to understand how she can still maintain that George was not properly elected as class president, since our electoral process was explained to her when she started here, with the student winning a majority of class home rooms winning victory. Nevertheless, Ms. Gore insisted that recounts continue in two classrooms won by George, even though her sisters ran the elections there and certified the vote totals that she challenged. Her fixation is quite disturbed, and she has rebuffed all suggestions to seek psychiatric care.
Furthermore, George's scholastic achievements are quite satisfactory. While he occasionally mangles syntax or mispronounces a word, we cannot be too critical, since our own staff has demonstrated its imperfection in this regard. Indeed, Ms. Gore and her friends are hardly ones to criticize others for these failings. More importantly, George demonstrates a high level of competence in concepts. As you know, even the most articulate student will sometimes fail to grasp basic principles such as morality; even the most depraved individual can be quite glib and a gifted speaker. Our classical focus teaches of the dangers of Sophists.
We also owe you an apology for Ms. Gore's comments about George's "oral presentations." It seems that Ms. Gore had sabotaged some of the materials provided to George, or provided him with faulty data, and now is attempting to blame him for not knowing that her data was faulty. Astounding, isn't it?
What is even more amazing is Ms. Gore's attribution of her own shortcomings to George. Why, she even claims to have "invented the Internet"! And our own investigation reveals that Ms. Gore's academic records may have been fabricated. Indeed, it seems that she failed to take tests herself, instead appearing with a "shadow" who took them for her! And while we were willing to overlook the fact that she flunked out of two (!) graduate schools, we heretofore had no reason to believe that her undergraduate degree was fraudulent, even though she refused to submit her grades.
Moreover, George's social progress is fine. He demonstrates a maturity lacked by the older children, who demand fidelity to their desires above all else. To be sure, there are children who won't follow his leadership, but they are true social misfits who seem to lack any core values whatsoever. Indeed, some even have delusions of grandeur themselves! And thank goodness George paid no mind to those in our French and German-language classes. While they paid all of their fees and made all of those necessary arrangements, each and every one of those students failed to appear for the SATs. Indeed, we have reason to believe that checks paid by other students for those tests have somehow found their way into the bank accounts of those families, and we continue to investigate.
Equally nonsensical is Ms. Gore's suggestion that your son fails to take responsibilty for his own actions. Indeed, the irony is delicious, as Ms. Gore maintains her innocence notwithstanding the guilty verdict delivered in her criminal trial. He is quite mindful of consequences, to the extent that he was able to recognize that Ms. Gore had somehow managed to deliver to him textbooks from the Seventies (thirty years out of date!). Of course, it wasn't too surprising that he recognized this deception; when the books were opened, they had been badly mutilated, even though the covers were kept in pristine condition by little Billy, the student who had squirreled them away for decades. Fortunately, our faculty (Ms. Greenspan, Ms. Hastert, and Dr. Frist, in particular) was teaching from the tried-and-true textbooks from the Eighties, and George's academic progress was only slightly impeded.
By the way, Billy's family asked me to express their appreciation for your kind wishes. While the effects of syphilitic dementia are irreversible, it appears that he will be able to lead a productive life, speaking to other dementia patients throughout the country.
Getting back to George's social progress, Ms. Gore's comments are simply lies. George spends his time with our most promising and productive students. And while people like little Kenny Lay have attempted to gain favor with him (even enlisting the help of one or our alums, a friend of Billy) George has not used the power of his office to curry favor. It's hard to understand why Kenny would think that George would befriend him just because little Billy had let him bunk in his room a few times, but sometimes little boys are hard to explain.
As for the "aggressive schoolyard behavior" misrepresented by Ms. Gore in her letter to you, I can assure you that George was well justified in his response. The individual in question had been expelled from our school years ago for having shot a number of other children, and attempting to "annex" his neighbor's backyeard. And while we do not understand why the authorities failed to keep him locked up for his crimes, it was undisputed that he was constantly armed, and consorting with other miscreants in the neighborhood. Indeed, Ms. Gore was crying about this threat before George entered our school, even though she never did anything about it. George was wise and prudent to act when he did. Fortunately, the neighborhood is now mostly peaceful (only three of eighteen blocks are a problem), though a few of this miscreant's friends are still trying to cause trouble.
I hope this sets the record straight. George remains quite popular and successful among our top students and high achievers, even if his grades aren't quite as high as theirs. And please don't be surprised if you receive more letters from Ms. Gore or her friends. Even when the facts are revealed, Ms. Gore repeats the same tired lies over and over again, and she seems to maintain a loyal group of friends who are willing to do the same thing. And when their lies fail, they tend to blame Hallie Burton for their problems, even though they were the ones who hired her.
As you are aware, final exams will be held in November. We are confident that, based upon George's past performance, we will be inviting him to continue his studies as our term begins in January.
Yours Truly,
Ms. J.Q. Public, Assistant Principal
