Politics and Religion
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
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A team of archaeologists excavating in Israel came upon a cave.
Written across the cave wall were the following symbols, in this order of appearance from left to right: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
It was considered a unique find, and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society summarized findings and pointed at the first symbol. "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, 'Holy Mackerel! Dig the ass on that woman!'"
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial ...
- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////
In 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."
He knocked. The Innkeepers wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privvy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"Dye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
An old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time"
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////
The State of North Dakota has mobilized it's elite Special Forces Ground Units specializing in subterranean warfare to Afghanistan.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that over 100,000 of these elite fighters would be mobilized immediately to search out and destroy Taliban and al-Qaida forces hiding in caves and in the mountains.
"We didn't think we were going to have to use these elite forces" said Rumsfeld, "but it's time to end this thing ... these fighters are specially trained for subterranean attack and can even be used to locate and dismantle land mines".
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
///////////////////////////////////////////////////
A team of archaeologists excavating in Israel came upon a cave.
Written across the cave wall were the following symbols, in this order of appearance from left to right: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.
It was considered a unique find, and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society summarized findings and pointed at the first symbol. "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, 'Holy Mackerel! Dig the ass on that woman!'"
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial ...
- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////
In 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."
He knocked. The Innkeepers wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privvy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"Dye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
An old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time"
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////
The State of North Dakota has mobilized it's elite Special Forces Ground Units specializing in subterranean warfare to Afghanistan.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that over 100,000 of these elite fighters would be mobilized immediately to search out and destroy Taliban and al-Qaida forces hiding in caves and in the mountains.
"We didn't think we were going to have to use these elite forces" said Rumsfeld, "but it's time to end this thing ... these fighters are specially trained for subterranean attack and can even be used to locate and dismantle land mines".
