Okay, this might hurt me, but it'll help you.

1. Chief complaint? Hair. It doesn't have to be bald, but for god's sake, trim the hedges DOWN.

2. Soap is your friend. I don't mean a little, I mean PLENTY. Want to take a shower? Take one, I don't watch the clock, but don't get in there for thirty seconds and rinse down thinking that's enough. SOAP UP THE BALLS AND YOUR ASS! I promise, it will not hurt and you're really going to dig the BBBJ afterwards.

3. Deodorant. I don't know if it's just me or if this is becoming a trend, but pit juice stinks. Wear deodorant, please.

4. Don't worry about the goddamn clock. (with me, I don't know how other ladies conduct business.) With me, give yourself an hour and a half at least to spend with me. I'll only charge you for an hour, but really, is it so bad to enjoy a cola and some conversation before we get intimate? No, I think not.

5. Smile. I know you are nervous, I'm probably a little nervous, too believe it or not. So, let's crack a little joke, maybe even one that's in poor taste. After all, they ARE the funniest.

6. When you call, know what you're going to say..or at least have an idea. Minutes cost money and let's face it, I'm not known for my patience. (Smiles sweetly) Hey, when in doubt, refer to rule number five.

7. Don't tell me what you did on your last appointment with provider XYZ, don't ask me about any other provider, don't talk shit about another provider or hobbyist and please, don't expect me to talk about anyone period. It's childish, it's immature, it's the fastest way to earn a bad reputation, and really...if you had a shitty time, write a review, don't bitch to me. (This is akin to going on a date and bitching about your ex girlfriend and/or her new boyfriend. Tacky.)

8. Make screening  a cinch for us, please! If you choose a well-reviewed, well-reputed provider, you won't have issues with your identity being used against you. Ask around if you're still not sure. It's just like a bad experience at a restaurant, word always gets around.

9. Treat this hobby like it's a date. I know, it sounds so simple, but it's apparently not for most of us. I would never show up unshaven (unless I'm growing to get waxed), unclean, or wearing disheveled clothing, nor would I show up with bad breath, unbrushed teeth, etc. Really guys, this is a great job unless YOU make it difficult and icky, and the other ladies may not back me up on this one, but there are far more guys who come with the problems mentioned in numbers 1 and 2 with bad breath and disheveled clothing than not. I know you're paying for a service, but this is a YMMV thing because if you don't make the effort, we might just be grossed out. Sorry, it's the truth. We're girls, we like clean, good-smelling, soft, etc....give it to us for Pete's sake.

and finally:

10. Don't hold this list against me. If it doesn't apply to you, move on. I have absolutely no one in mind while writing this, but Gallop asked and then taunted (I'm blaming you), so here's my list. I seriously doubt other providers will back me on any of this and I'm sure with some of you I've hanged myself, but if you guys take anything from this list and use it.....take number 2. Seriously....wash your balls!

Megan