Maybe this will help lighten the mood here enjoy!

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

To a guy, breast size is just like Coke and Pepsi. They may state a preference but in the end they will take what they can get.

We aren't allowed to say Dick Van Dyke any more, we have to be politically correct and say: "Penis Van Lesbian."

I was watching a romance movie with my boyfriend and afterwards I said "You really can tell how good a movie is by how many tissues you go through." then he looked over at his Porn collection and was in total agreement.

Young guys, can do it all night. They have no idea what they're doing but they can do it all night.

English is the natural language of the human. That's why when a foreigner doesn't understand you, the best thing to do is SHOUT REALLY LOUDLY and then their brain will revert back to it's original frequency.

After reading stories about “Near death experiences” I became freaked out since it seems before you die you head towards a bright light. And then I thought ‘How does a Subway driver know when he’s dying?’

Boyfriend: "I bet your fantasy is to have a threesome with me and Brad Pitt."
Girlfriend: "If I have Brad Pitt, why would I want you?"

Today I got these new nicotine patches and they're great. You put one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes.

In the old days you never could tell how drunk you were. Nowadays we have machines to tell you how drunk you are. We call them Karaoke machines.

Why do men ask for a women’s hand in marriage? It’s not the hand they want, they have their our own. They are asking her to marry them ‘cause they are sick of their own hands.

I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.

Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Hope you enjoyed them...and got a smile on your face for today.
Kisses,
~Malissa~xoxoxo