In response to an ad on Craigslist, I asked where a particular provider is located.  I received the reply below in an e-mail.  The verbiage alone scares the bejeesus out of me.  I understand the need for clarity up front, but is this a little over the top?  It reminds me of that scene where Willy Wonka makes the children sign a huge release form before they can go into the chocolate factory.

------

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION CAREFULLY

here's some info about the massages i give and about me as well...i am currently accepting
male clients, however, due to the area in which i live i cannot accept african american
clients, i appologize for this situation... i've been a massage therapist for over 15 years
and before that i was an exotic dancer for 8 years. i went to school for over 3 years to learn
different massage techniques and i have certifications in 4 massage techinqes at this time.
i've studied deep muscle massage (used in treating sports injuries), swedish massage (used
to treat tension and overworked muscles), tantric massage (a sensual massage) and myofacial release (used to treat specific neuro-muscular injuries)

i've visited most of the day spas in the area and i've found that i give a better than spa
quality massage. also, when you pay for an hour massage with me you acctually get the full
hour...unlike most massage parlors where they just want to get you in, get your money and
get you out. i like to have a friendly raport with my clients, and much like visiting your
doctor, anything said or done during the massage session will always be confidential.

i schedule the massage sessions in my home office from 10am to 10pm Monday through Friday. (occassional weekends-- call the day of the appointment) ...at this point, i can only accept cash for the services.
just add any, none or all of the options to the $50 hour massage, the massage is not
optional...it's mandatory.....

topless add $25 donation to the hr
hand release add $25 donation to the hr
nude add $50 donation to the hr
oral (on you-condom necessary) add $50 donation to the hr
toys (includes strap-on, and is limited to one toy per visit) add $25 donation to the hr
touching on your part is not included with the options above.......

i also have two massage packages available...(just add the option to the $50 hour)
1)mutual massage-you can touch with hands only (done nude, includes hand release) add $100 donation to the hr
2)mutual massage w/oral-you can touch (done nude, multiple releases, condom necessary-i can provide) add $125 donation to the hr

i do offer one more option it's the straight sex option and it can only be taken with the mutual massage packages, condom necessary (which i can provide or you can furnish) the option for the hour is an additional $125 donation.

give me a call (i will not answer calls from blocked, private, unavailable, or unknown numbers so please unblock your number by using *82 when calling any time between 10am & 10pm ... if i don't answer i'm probably doing a massage leave a message and i'll call you back asap) and i'll set up an appointment for you

If you make an appointment and are going to be late or cannot make the appointment for any reason, please call in a timely fashion. Generally I allow 15 minutes before I give the appointment to someone else, and the person breaking the appointment will not be given another without notifying me of the broken or re-scheduled appointment.

Unfortunately, recently I have made appointments for several gentlemen who did not show for the appointment and did not have the decency to call. I do understand that spur of the moment mishaps do occur, however I am running a business and broken appointments are unfair to other clients and myself.

a CPA.  As a computer techie, I am looking at all of her conditions and thinking what a great If-Then-Else subroutine I would need to code for her.


And she forgot to include the Mother-May-I condition, so you will have to go all the way back to start and save yourself $200.  Oh, that's Monopoly; a whole different game.


SBK

Hello officer I would like to make an appointment for my grandmother at noon tomorrow. I'll make sure she is on time. Can can you give me the bail amount up front and is that included in all of your costs?

-- Modified on 2/1/2008 9:42:14 AM

I'll have the number 10 please!

The cigarette in the pic is a classy touch!