There really is something magical about the Nutcracker Ballet.  Pardonnez-moi.  No, sugar plum fairy…  Ahem, I meant elf.  No, really…  Hey!  It’s nutcracker, not ball buster, and the story is not about me! Jeez, you’re so sensitive.  Can we not argue at Christmastime?

The ballet is based on the story “The Nutcracker and the King of Mice” written by E.T.A. Hoffman.  Did you say something about Skittles?  I think you’re confusing Hoffman with “E.T. the Extraterrestrial.”  Don’t you have to call home or something?  Never mind what I said.  Let’s just move on.

The story is about a young German girl named Clara who has a Freudian dream about a mouse king with seven heads.  Oh my God!  A mouse with seven dicks is totally king!  I see one itsy-bitsy problem.  Actually, I see seven itsy-bitsy problems.  In spite of the fact that a male mouse is called a stag (adult red deer or unbroken stallion), I can’t visualize a male saying “take all seven, bitch” and not be talking about inches (giggle).

There’s another Freudian scene when a Christmas tree appears to grow very large at the stroke of midnight and all the toys around the tree come to life.  Of course it’s Freudian.  What else grows large when stroked?  What about the toys?  I own several vibrators and dildos that come to life at midnight (giggle).

You know Clara’s dreaming when the nutcracker turns into a prince and escorts her to The Land of Sweets.  Princes in real life turn into nutcrackers (ball busters).

The ballet ends when Clara wakes up from her dream, but the ballet doesn’t have to end for you.  I will escort you to The Land of Sweets and dance a beautiful pas de deux with you.  You’ll love it; it’s French (giggle).

Natasha

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