It is a common courtesy to let the lady you are using as a reference that she may be contacted. As you say it may have been several months since you saw here and she may need a refresher as to who you are. Try to put a little reminder of your date in the email. These ladies have pretty good memories, but can't remember everything. With today's economy the ladies sure would like you to book with them again, but it also doesn't do them much good to try and block you from seeing someone else. You have already decided to see someone else. If they are being catty it might just drive you farther from them. It does happen though.
I am a regular, but infrequent hobbyist (4 times a year) and sometimes I go months without an appointment. I always wonder when I contact a new provider who requires references what is the protocol? Do I contact the provider I referenced as a courtesy or am I just wasting their time? I wonder with so many appts if they will even remember me. Do providers get bothered that you aren't booking with them when they are in the same city?
It is a common courtesy to let the lady you are using as a reference that she may be contacted. As you say it may have been several months since you saw here and she may need a refresher as to who you are. Try to put a little reminder of your date in the email. These ladies have pretty good memories, but can't remember everything. With today's economy the ladies sure would like you to book with them again, but it also doesn't do them much good to try and block you from seeing someone else. You have already decided to see someone else. If they are being catty it might just drive you farther from them. It does happen though.
if you are using her as a reference. It's a common courtesy. Actually you should ask her if you can use her as a reference. What I usually do is ask right after the date, (usuall in a follow up email thanking her for the date) if I can use her as a reference in the future. Then if I do use her as as a reference, I will send her an email saying, "I just gave your name as a reference to 'x.'"
As for remembering you, they may or may not, depending how long ago you saw her. It is more likely they will, if you did ask right away if you could use her in the future as a reference. they may keep some kind of note to remember you or maybe just a mental note. The new lady may or may not accept an old reference also. They all run their businesses and give or accept references to their comfort level.
As for them getting bothered that you are not seeing them instead, that happens very rarely. You read about it on some of the other boards, where someone contacts a lady to use as a reference and she says "why don't you come see me instead?" But that is an exception, not the ruloe. All the good provider's know that most hobbyists seek variety, and that giving out references keeps them all safe
gave good advice. Proper etiquette says you should let the provider you want to use as a reference prior to doing so. She may or may not give you the go ahead depending on how long it has been since you have seen her, and might not remember you unless you can give her something to jog her memory of you.
As an infrequent hobbyist, you should consider joining one or more of the verification sites. If you can get a provider to recommend you, the info you may need to supply will be minimal. This might be better than hoping a single provider will remember you and let you use her as a reference.
A provider might be not real thrilled that you are seeing someone else instead of her, but they also know that referencing each other works both ways, so it doesn't pay them to not cooperate with each other in giving references.
Swim
Good advice.
We really appreciate when a client has gone through the trouble to place a profile on a verificatoin site. If I am seeing you for the first time, it gives me a little info, makes it a little easier to know who I am seeing.
As for them seeing someone else, its really fine with me because I want the clients I see to have a variety. You are right though some providers don't like and sometimes won't respond to an email requesting reference verification.
Considering that this is the PRIMARY way that we can feel safe meeting with clients, it is a given that you may be used as a reference once you have seen a guy. That's just silly to think that a provider who demands references for screening would have any problem BEING a reference herself.
I know there are exceptions to this so I am not going to speak for all providers. But I will tell you that it is unusual for a guy to ask you if it's "okay." At most, you might get a head's up that a reference will be contacting you. But most of the time you don't even get that. The girl just contacts you out of the blue, "Have you seen this guy?" I research the girl asking me before answering to make sure she is legit.
I ran into one provider that refused to verify a guy until she had his permission to verify him! WTF? So, he wants to see me, he gives me her as a reference, I contact her, and then she refuses to verify him until she hears from him that it's okay for her to verify him! Okay... But that was the only one like that.
I had a guy yesterday whose reference was from 6 years ago and she is now retired (her TER profile is still up and she still uses the same phone number... thank god for me, but very odd on her part - she remembered him, too after answering the question below). If it's been over a year, I ask this question before contacting the reference:
"Since it has been a long while since you have seen ________________, is there something you can tell me about your visit with her that would jog her memory... or something only someone who had met her in person would know (for example, one guy knew his reference had had breast reduction surgery - very unlikely anyone who hadn't me her in person would know that)? She may not have records that far back."
This usually results in a very detailed anecdote that is a very clear indicator that the guy did actually see her and that usually is enough to jog the memory of someone for even a very long time since the visit.
I have heard that some ladies do this, as sometimes wives or SO are fishing for info, pretending to be a provider trying to get a reference. Hence, why if at all possible, giving the lady a head's up that someone may be contacting her for a reference is always nice, so you know to expect it. The best one's are the guys who give the name & number of the lady who is going to be contacting me, so when that lady calls or e-mails, then it is expected.
As others have stated, just asking at the end of an appointment if she would mind giving you a reference is usually sufficient, & although I have heard of some ladies that will try to talk the guy into seeing them instead of the new girl, it is not a common practice & those ladies are usually quickly found out by both hobbyists and providers in that community & will no longer contact that person for references, lol.
Like I said that I do in the post you are responding to! If you can't tell she is legit (from reviews), then you don't know who she is!
If a provider is checking the girl out before answering, there should be no worries about it being an SO or someone else.
When I am contacting a reference, I always include "... Angelique of Arizona TER ID 163592" so they know who I am, too.
But, regardless of whether it's a good idea or not (I'm not arguing that point at all), I'm just saying it isn't often done (asking permission before using you as a reference). And it really isn't a big deal to me either.
I'm always happy to help my sisters feel safe and help guys get their dates with others and the references I have contacted seem to have the same attitude as well.
that you have never had anyone ask. I would think it is common courtesy. I always ask. Either during the session (toward the end when we are just chatting) or in my follow up email, I will ask if it is okay to use you as a reference in the future. Then when I give your name as a reference to a new lady, I will send you an email saying, I just gave your name as a reference to Suzycreamjeans. her website is wwwdotsuzycreamjeansdotcom and her email is suzycj@gmaildotcom. Now I have heard (or read) about ladies cold calling references (mentioned by driller in his post) off of P411 oks or Date check, or TER whitlelists, or even just TER reviews. If that happens, obviously you wouldn't get a heads up. I have even read where some ladies justify doing it that way because the references given by a hobbyist, may be his friends or shills, and of course they would give a good reference, but by cold calling someone he reviewed they get a more honest reference. I don't know if I buy that, but hey every lady is different and will do what she is comfortable with.
Your 6 year old reference story is interesting, because many ladies will not give reviews or accept reviews that are old. I have heard some say three months max, and some say 1 year maybe. I have actually used a 4 year old reference myself and had a lady accept it with no problem. I was in a situation where I had no current usable references and I emailed the lady first and asked if she remembered me and if I was still able to use her as a reference. She replied, "Of course I remember you! And of course you can use me as a reference!" She also warned me that some ladies might not accept it, becaue it was old and that she was going to be honest and say I was awesome when she saw me, but it has been a long time. It worked out, but I know that is an exception rather than the rule. (giving or accepting old references)
Yes,I would advise to contact the provider you want to use as a reference first to see if she even provides references not all ladies do.I really appreciate it when I get a heads up from a gent that he is using or wants to use me as a reference.Maybe I am paranoid but sometimes if a lady who does not have a big internet presence or I cannot find any reviews here or old reviews I will contact the gent to make sure he is indeed using me as a reference.This is for his safety as well as mine I do not know if this indeed a provider contacting me or his wife or SO.If he says yes he is using me as a reference for the lady who contacted me I have no problem giving a reference.If a lady is reputable provider with a internet presence I do not contact the gent and ask if he is using me as a reference I just go ahead and give the reference.
Not all gents give me the head's up to look out for the reference maybe since they know I am reference friendly.Maybe providing a bit of info to the reference provider which might jog her memory into remembering you.I do not get bothered if a gent is asking to use me as a reference for another provider in my same city why would I?Variety is the spice of life in this hobby if he wants to see me he will be back most gents that use me as a reference they end up contacting me again anyway for an appointment so no need for me to get upset this is the great thing about the hobby you can sample as many flavors as you like!
Yes, yes and amen... this is exactly how I do it, too.
"Maybe I am paranoid but sometimes if a lady who does not have a big internet presence or I cannot find any reviews here or old reviews I will contact the gent to make sure he is indeed using me as a reference.This is for his safety as well as mine I do not know if this indeed a provider contacting me or his wife or SO.If he says yes he is using me as a reference for the lady who contacted me I have no problem giving a reference.If a lady is reputable provider with a internet presence I do not contact the gent and ask if he is using me as a reference I just go ahead and give the reference."
... any provider who demands that you provide two references refusing to be a reference herself! WTF???
You guys warn other guys about it like it is very, very common... I think it's incredibly hypocritical if that's actually happening as often as every seems to think it does.
I mean, I can understand a new girl with no reviews not understanding what being a reference means and not wanting to do that because she doesn't understand screening and getting all paranoid because she doesn't know how to research to see if the asker is legit.
But a well-reviewed provider who demands references herself?
Can someone give a real world example of this? (not names, just a situation and the reason the provider gave for not being a reference even though she asks for them) I just find it hard to believe that this is so common there is a need to warn people about it. I'm not running into this at all.
Am I wrong in guessing that when you're getting no warning that your going to be used as a reference. That your being contacted because you have given the person an OK on a verification site? If I give you my P411 or Date Check info and you decide to contact one of the ladies. How am I to know which one your going to contact. That is if your going to contact them or just take the OK's at face value. That might explain why you were never contacted for a reference. Are you simply going to go with the most recent OK's?
I get reference requests by guys that I've seen who have given me references, usually, for the last girl they saw. Then he'll use me as a reference the next time. We rarely discuss it. I just assume it's a given and it's never been a big deal. I can't imagine why a provider who demands references would refuse to be one.