and that is considered a no-no.

I doubt providers would want to give up control of such an important part of their screening process in any case.

which should never be discussed in a public forum lest LE or bad people (who can also read public forums) try to defeat her individual system.  
In general, a referance will be helpful...  but you will have to give what ever a particular lady requires.  Some are more flexible than others.  I know of NONE where a single reveal will completely solve this once & forever.  You might want to consider one of the verification agencies...   which will help streamline the process.

Or in one word "NO"
skb

Getting screened the first time

Getting in with the "in crowd" can be challenging. Everyone has something (someone) to protect (sounds like a line from a song...). Providers love to know that you have been seen by others; it shows that you behaved the last time.

Not everyone requires that you give them your "first born" (haha), but you don't really want to see someone who does not care enough about themselves to be careful.

I suggest that you do a lot of reading and research. Find a few providers in your area who seem to understand the dilelma. As you communicate with them via email, expressing your concerns, use proper English and complete sentences. Act like you care. Communicate fully as much info as you feel comfortable with. Get her to undrstand your situation. Then offer to take her out to lunch or dinner at her social rate.

During dinner you can assess for yourself what you are willing to share with her. She will be assessing you as well. This makes for a relaxed opportunity for her to see you as a real person. She will decide if she is willing to see you. But she will probably need something "on" you - a way to get to the real you if something goes terribly wrong, essentially. (You can understand this. We are our own law enforcement out here.) This is why you want to choose someone very carefully - smart, discreet, organized, and of course attractive. :^)  You will probably need to tell her who you really are, but hopefully she will be the only one.

After you see her for an appointment, and all goes well, ask her who of her friends she would recommend that you see, and if they would take her word for you rather than have to provide the whole personal work history thing. She should understand your interest in developing two references. In this way you should be able to minimize your exposure.

Having two references should enable you to move forward into the "hobby" without further exposure. Some women will always want to have your work info, but there are others who understand the need for discretion. . When you do schedule an appointment, be generous, bring a memorable gift, be on time and all the other good stuff.

Hope that's helpful. Don't be discouraged, it just takes the stars aligning just right. Patience, Grasshopper.

Personally in my opinion, the idea of references is kinda "iffy".  If you see someone and you KNOW they are very well aquainted with someone else you'd like to see, then a reference from one to the other is great. But to ask someone to be a reference for you to someone they don't even know seems "off" to me.  Best thing to do is just go with one of the verifications services that are well known in your area. When you consider the amount of "donations" your going to be making, the cost of these services is well worth it and they also check out the ladies too if they use there service.

thanks for the helpful replies. in general i'm not overly paranoid, and i'm not a celebrity by any means, but i happen to be someone with a large online presence (i have a wikipedia entry, for example). so while i know many providers would just as soon forget the names of their clients for all sorts of wise reasons, i feel like they would get a slight kick out of remembering me, googling me, etc. So in general i want to have my personal info going out to as few sources as possible.

many providers do not take old reference and once you start giving the same reference it will be old in 6-9 months...