I am new to this game, and unfortunately I think I may have acted like a kid who enters a candy store for the first time. (in my defense, it's been years since my wife and I have had sex). Anyway, my wife saw through my actions and accused me of cheating and I admitted to it. So I am in the proverbial doghouse, but think I can salvage things. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't want me to see providers anymore and I would like to continue seeing them. So my question to the wise men and women of TER is....do you have any rules or tricks of the trade that you go by in order to not be discovered? Are there certain times that are better to visit a provider? should I lay low for three months and then only go once a month or once every two months...or only when I travel? I'm just looking for any tidbits, golden nuggets or codes people live by...particularly people who have been caught once already by their partner. I would be grateful if you could share...
Always in debt to your priceless advice....
Donovan
1) Behave like a person who was innocent would behave and
2) Think like the person who is trying to catch you thinks.
first off, once caught, lay low for a while & never repeat the behavior which got you caught. Seeing a provider is WAY different that an affair... affairs are emotional & have strings... and are on going... seeing providers is NSA. No strings Attached.
Do not change your schedule. Over time try to loosen up your schedule a little bit. Lots of guys only hobby when they or wife is out of town.
Once a month is quite doable... no patterns... random. I like the midday to early afternoon time which fits my schedule.
Never involve others as a cover... too easy to get tripped up... and risks an ex-buddy getting drunk or pissed off... need I say more. Activities, workouts, gym, golf... must make sense for YOU. You might want to develop a hobby or interest she doesn't share but which takes you out of the house some. Even going for walks in different locations like parks further from home... for exercise... but the catch is you must really do it MOST of the time.
Building model planes would work too if you have to go to hobby shops & hang out with radio control freaks...
Take up wood working... with many visits to home stores...
Just get out of the house. Have other things to do than go straight home!
I increased my spending money from each check by a small amount... which I accumulate in cash (no ATM trips to link to my absences). I refill my wallet daily from my sock drawer... but my play money is well hidden somewhere else. Any excess in my sock drawer become play money with the next check & is moved.
Don't use your personal cell. Ask Tiger!! Get a Hobby Phone. Turn it off when not in use. Hide it very well.
Don't access adult sites from work or using company equipment (unless you own the company & can withstand the heat when discovered.). Don't use shared home computer with others in the house. Set to delete browsing history on closing or use another browser on a thumb drive. NEVER turn over a running computer... Oppps, accidentally shut it down. Use an over write program like CC cleaner often.
Don't use your regular email... or an account linked to it.
Wash face, hands, privates before going home... women can sense sex smell even if they don't realize it. Use the same soap. (Some guys shower at gal's place or gym) Don't go straight home... wait for the high to pass before going home.
In short Don't Leave Tracks... If you want to enjoy long term... you must keep under control.
Like others said, develop a random schedule over time. And ditto on never use a buddy for cover. Dude you should have never admitted anything, you should have said you were changing things to try and get her interstead again. I'm assuming you changed you're way of dressing, grooming habits tried to lose a bit of weight etc.. Just my opinion, one trick that works for covering scents is stop by a gas station and spill a bit on you're hands, nothing can get past that smell. Others covered the basics ya might have to tweak a bit for it to fit you're lifestyle but I would lay off for a few months and then maybe just hit once a month or so. My schedule has been so random for the 15 years I've been married that my ramblings go unnoticed. Good luck to ya buddy, we have all been in the sme boat as no interst at home but ya gotta be careful!!
Coming from someone who has heard every lie men tell, it's not all that easy. Most women know what their men are doing, and either don't give a shit because they don't want to fk him anyway, or know full well and are plotting to catch him, then stick it to him in divorce court.
Don't hobby at your house for sure, and maybe not even in your town. Take up a sport that takes a few hours and makes you come home needing a shower...think golf, tennis, fishing, or basketball. Hobby on your lunch hour from work vs. trying to sneak out when she is at home.
Get a hobby phone, and a a hobby computer that she has no access to...leave them at the office. Make sure you carry that hunting spray that wipes any sign of smells that you can pick up from a woman such as perfume, lotion, or candles.
Most of all...be safe. She already knows you have cheated so though you may not want to stop, you really need to do so for at least a few months while she is in detective mode. If you don't, see you in court or on the 10 oclock news.
Sorry, I did not attach the article earlier. As interesting is the fact that the authors are economists!
Monogamy vs. supplemental partners, fascinating.
Thank you all for your sage advice. The one thing that makes my situation a little more hairy is that I'm married to a non-American who has told me (in essence, joked with me) that she will take my child back to her country and that I will never see him again. And because of the antiquated custody laws in her country, she can definitely make that happen. I don't have a large margin for error here, and your insights are truly appreciated
If you want to see your child, keep your d*ck in your pants. If someone gave me that choice, London Rayne would fall off the map tomorrow.
Oh so harsh, London...but oh, so VERY true...
Oh, so harsh London...yet oh, so VERY true
Though I don't agree with using a child as a bargaining tool to get what you want, if she is in fact that cruel, he really has only two choices...divorce her and sue for custody, or stop seeing providers. The choice for me, would be a no brainer. No piece of ass, no amount of money, and no friendship with anyone would ever rate above my child.
I don't get it. If it's been years since you had sex with your wife, can you answer a question for me? Why aren't you two fixing that issue?
I hobby, but I still f@ck my wife. If you don't f@ck, why do you want to stay married to her?
She has threatened to take your child, you have cheated on her. Sounds to me like the first one to a lawyer wins. Initiate divorce proceedings, and make sure her passport is taken away due to the threats of stealing your kid. You paid for sex, but after years of no sex in the marriage - that won't hurt you in the courtroom as badly as you think.
I am not a lawyer or a judge, but if your wife said that she will take her child back to her country and you will never see him again, then she just told you that she plans to kidnap your kid. If she is not American, then that is actually a credible threat. People do stuff like this every day. Most of the time, they get away with it, as long as they never come back to the USA. After that, a court will be useless to you, because other countries don't honor our child custody court rulings, and likewise, our courts don't honor child custody rulings from other countries. Meaning, once your child is gone, your child is gone.
wasnt me wasnt me wasnt me
The hobby phone is the best answer i have seen on here. Why some men keep things in there personal cell phone is beyond me. ALL WIFES SNOOP its in there genes.
you are going to have to limit your play drastically.
The tip to not play in your own town is good advise. Definitely never in your home.
And I agree a few sessions with your Therapist for both parties. ..
Deep down I know London is right, but sometimes doing the right thing can be so hard. Thank you everyone for the advice.
D