So, I contacted a provider online, we set up a date and time, I sent a deposit amount, she called me a couple of days in advance and we talked for a bit, everything was set.  Then on the day of the session, she texted me that a family emergency had come up and she needed to cancel.  She apologized and said she would make it up to me in any way that would satisfy me -- refund, reschedule, even getting a second girl to join in at no extra charge to me.  This was on a trip rather far outside the area where I live, and my flight left the next day, so I couldn't reschedule.  I opted for a refund via Amazon gift card since that was how I paid the deposit.

I gave her a few days to let her deal with the emergency and then when she still didn't respond I texted her again asking about the refund.  She was slow to reply but finally sent me a text that I should call her... and then completely failed to make herself available.  Every time I tried her number I got a message (personalized by her, not a generic mailbox greeting).  I left a message, never got a call back, texted her a few times over a few days, trying not to be a pest about it, and we finally exchanged a few messages last night.  Apparently she "didn't get" the first text where I asked for the refund as an Amazon gift card, and she's reluctant to send it that way because it's "not secure" despite the fact that I sent her the deposit using the same method.  (She did offer PayPal but I don't use them.)

I tend to immediately assume the worst in situations like this, but I'm trying my good goshdarnedest not to be a total dick here, because I don't have any real reason to doubt her story.  If the family emergency is real, she would have a lot to deal with and genuinely might not be able to have a discreet phone conversation with me.  If the story is fake and she's a scammer, she would simply block and ignore me entirely.  She has at least responded a little bit.  So for now I'm holding off on posting any identifiable details or writing a negative review, but I'm not going to lie, my patience is wearing pretty thin.  It would take her five minutes to go to Amazon, order a gift code and send it to me, and I don't see what could possibly be unsecure about it.  So it just feels like she's either dragging her feet or deliberately jerking me around.

I do realize if she doesn't refund it, I basically have no recourse other than a negative review here.  I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, especially since it wasn't a large amount of money.  I just hate being ripped off.  This is the first bad experience I've ever had, so I'm looking for advice.  How long should I reasonably be expected to wait for a refund in this situation?  Can anyone think of anything else I might try?

Thank you.

What was the purpose? I'd never pay one. Unless she had to come a long way to see me, or it was for a trip/extended victory visit. But I don't do those.  

Your situation is precisely why deposits are a bad idea. Even if she's in the up-and-up, you've got a headache to deal with. And for what? Plenty of girls will see you without one, I presume.

You can badmouth her through various channels.  

As for how long you should wait, that ship has already sailed. If what you're saying is accurate I'd already have written the money off.

As I started reading your Subject line and post, I began thinking, "This doesn't sound good." I can sympathize with you but I have no advice about how to really solve the problem.

As I read further, I thought, "It's getting worse."  

Basically, I don't think you have any specific recourse to get her to act more quickly or at all. Be patient and hope for the best. Because there was NO MEETING, you can't write a review (that will get approved). You can post more details on the closest local board.  You do have to be careful about posting names on the boards, so many will post the story and say, "Contact me by PM for her name."  If you out her on the boards publicly, she may try to get back at you some how.  

How much of your personal info does she have?  

You don't say what her TER Profile and reviews are like.  How many reviews? 2, 20 or 120? Is this deposit policy clearly written in her ads or did she come up with it just for you? Did you say or email anything that broadcast "Sucker!" to her? Maybe a long appointment? How long was the appointment for? One hour? 2 hrs ... overnight?  

Does she do doubles and list Provider friends on her website? Are they reputable or do you know them? Their loyalty is to their friend (her), but if you contact them someone might tell her that it's in her best interest to do the refund and not risk tainting her reputation. DO NOT EXPECT A PROVIDER FRIEND OF HER'S TO TAKE YOUR SIDE, but maybe they will convey the message.  

If she is warning you that Amazon GC isn't secure, I'd be concerned that she might make it "insecure" on purpose. Buy a GC, send you the number but have previously emptied it herself or to another friend. "You told me to send you Amazon GC against my recommendation so I will not send another one." Do any of her friends travel to your city (w/o you having to take a flight). Will they meet with you as her proxy (session that she will pay for or no session but return cash to you)?

A few more thoughts here and there but nothing great. Getting to the bottom line ...
NO MORE DEPOSITS!

So is she reviewed?  I would never send a deposit to a provider who is not well reviewed-and current.  She may just be an unorganized person with a car issue.  Since we do not know who you are talking about, it is hard to tell.  

You do not sound like  "dick." You sound like a nice guy who is relatively new at this and confused.  I am sorry she has helped you get to this state of mind as it is uncool.  It could be easily that she has spent the money already and does not have it anymore...hence why she offerred a do-over date or duo date.  Perhaps you should take her up on this and help her save face if you still want to see her.  

Again, I would only do this IF she is reviewed.  I would let the admin of TER know about this.  Obviously they cannot get your cash back but if this is a trend from this lady, I do beleive that they will suspend her account which she deserves if she is indeed scamming.    

This was not just a fuck, it was to be a somewhat specific S&M session and I didn't find many other responsive providers in the area.  (And not findom, although it's turning out to be a bit of that, heh.)  I did some research before contacting her and she is a lifestyle, has been around for a while, has a professional looking website and posted regular activity, clearly building a reputation and not just somebody spamming classifieds.  The deposit was mentioned both in her ads and on her website.  I agreed to it because I was traveling and had a fairly inflexible schedule.  I'm a planner, I like to plan things out in advance.  This was not to be my first time, I've just never had anything like this happen before.  Definitely never again.  The appointment was only for an hour, so I can't believe my piddling deposit would be worth the reputation she's built.

Unfortunately redoing the session is not an option.  One, it would require another airplane trip to her area (this was to be a single stop on a week-long trip I took) and it's not worth the airfare or time.  And two, if the story is true she is taking care of the family member and can't host any sessions for a while anyway.

She does not have any of my personal info as I used a burner phone and email to contact her (as I always do).  That's why I asked for the refund as a gift card, so I don't have to give out anything more.  I have the phone number she gave me, her email address, and the physical address where we were supposed to meet although I didn't bother checking it out after she canceled on me.  She did say she has a sister with whom she does double sessions sometimes, but there is only one set of contact info on the website.

Even if I can't review her on TER I do plan on posting warnings everywhere I can, though I haven't found anyplace she's been posting lately.  (Damn the Trumpstapo for taking down BackPage...)

If she is a Domme of sorts, I can understand her requiring a deposit (pro Dommes in particular deal with more time wasters than any other segment of this industry. Don't ask me why.) Having said that, emergencies certainly come up, but there's no reason whatsoever for her not to have returned your deposit, especially via such a painless method like Amazon. The fact that she claims that the very method she uses is "unsecured" makes it obvious that she has no intention of returning your funds.  

If it's worth it to you, I'd email her one last time and say something to the effect of "I understand that family emergencies must be attended to but I am not able to reschedule our visit since, as you know, I was only in [insert city here] for a brief trip. Since I paid your required deposit via Amazon, it only seems fair that it be refunded via Amazon. I don't want to be harsh, however I must insist that my deposit be returned to me by [insert whatever day/time you deem appropriate here. 48-72 hours seems appropriate]. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to warn other hobbyists that they may incur a similar financial loss. Please advise."

The others are right, you can't review but you can post on her local board, and the board of any area she travels to.

You didn't say if she's reviewed here or not, so I'm assuming not. Maybe there's a lesson in that?

Is she on P411? I'm not sure, but my understanding is that if you still have all these texts and emails they may be willing to get involved if she's listed there.

Is she on fetlife or any kind of networking site? I understand you don't want to divulge too much at this point, but if all she has is her own site and posts on admalls, I wouldn't call that building a reputation at all.

It may well be true that she is distracted and occupied by a family emergency. However, it sounds like she's already put more time and effort into shining you on than it would take to send you the money. Call me a cynic, but that tells me she ain't sending the money and doesn't want you to be pissed at her about it so you don't out her.

Do what Tobi said. Give her one last chance, and then if you're sure she can't find you, warn others any way you can find.

Not to change the subject, but if you think Trump had the least little involvement in what's happening with BP, you're dumber than a bag of hammers.

 
(Modified because my device wigged out and posted message while I was typing the subject line.)

-- Modified on 1/28/2017 9:17:56 AM

the right thing.  
For some dates I do require deposit, specially if I am travel more than 3 hours to meet with someone.  
If she had a real emergency and she is well reviewed with good history; give her a little bit of time. Maybe she doesn't have the opportunity to sent the deposit back, since there's a real emergency...  

Now, on the other side... if she's not well reviewed, has not good history.. and after a week (I imagine it would take for a real emergency to return a deposit). IMO you should inform the community of her practices.  

I had to cancel a trip a while ago, it was a real family emergency and I could not have access (didn't have the passwords with me), and I returned the deposits after 4 days of the date that was supposed to take place.  

I was with family, no able to log into my work stuff.  

The end is that I refund the deposits for 2 dates, and the 3rd one he asked me to keep it until I back to his city (I went 2 weeks after) and we meet.  
I appreciate his token of appreciation and understanding.  

He's a regular friend now.

Thanks for the reply.  I believe she is on Fetlife, so that's one of my stops if she continues to ignore me.  I hadn't heard of P411; don't see her there but a lot of the listings are members-only and I'm not paying to sign up just so I can find out.

Yes, of course I'm aware that it was Congress and law enforcement who put the pressure on Backpage.  (Trump himself probably partook of Backpage's adult services on numerous occasions.)  I was merely trying to inject a little humor into a frustrating situation to help myself cope with it.  I'm sorry if it went over your head.

...or maybe not.  I just noticed she apparently has enough time to piddle around posting on Twitter.  Giving her until tomorrow to refund, then I'm warning others.

Am I allowed to post such info here?  Don't want to break any rules.

Well, once the Dommes get the time wasters in the room, they can tan their hides, redden their cheeks, and peg them to the point of their (Dommes') own satisfaction. "And one more -- WHACK! -- for ending your text message with a smiley!"  

I think your warning post should go to the relevant local discussion board(s) where you expect others would find her. (Not Newbie, not General. I don't read BDSM board - is that a place to post a warning, too?)  

Do you do twitter? (I DO NOT AND I DO NOT DO ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. Too dangerous. Use with extreme caution.) You can tweet to her own twitter thing:"Hay! How about my refund!" and see how long it stays up. (Wait for others to chime in on this suggestion which might not be a good idea.)

Good luck.  

And remember: No More Deposits.

END OF MESSAGE

I think Tobi means that Dommes deal with a lot of people who never show up and don't bother to call and cancel.  Short of requesting a deposit, they have no recourse against a no-show.

Like you, I don't do any social media.  But it might be worth creating a burner account just to message her there.  I've got a list of other places she's posted, but I'm waiting until she actually starts advertising again.  She currently isn't, which does fit with the family emergency story... and yet she has time for Twitter.  That's what's so maddening about this whole situation.

Beforehand, I can see giving well-reviewed ladies with a good track record the benefit of the doubt. I can even see giving them more leeway after they've already led you on and wasted your time. But given his description, there's no difference whatsoever between her and a newbie provider at this point.  

Why cut her any slack you wouldn't cut someone who just fell off the turnip truck? I don't get it. Unless you're arguing out of class-interest: respectables versus unknowns.

END OF MESSAGE

But anyone who brings political crap to the newbie board will get the same warning, and if it gets worse I'll ask admin to remove posts, and close threads. This is just not the place for it.

I think everyone should be cut some slack in the beginning, and given a little time to make it right in case it is s genuine emergency. However, once that time is passed (and it probably has in the OP's case) then it's time to out her and warn others. It should make no difference if the provider is well reviewed or a newbie. I don't get Veronica's differentiation in treatment there.

END OF MESSAGE

END OF MESSAGE

At best only half the people will find it funny, and those who don't appreciate "their guy" being made fun of will want equal time and then all of a sudden the Newbie board is no longer "nice" Capeesh?

I ask for deposits when ever somebody is going to have an overnight appointment, or even for a three or four hour appointment if I have some traveling involved. Sometimes I might keep the deposit if they cancel or refund it depending on the situation.  I honor whatever I tell the client at the time.  I have refunded deposits.  I have acted like a professional.  This is my business and I would not risk my reputation for a small deposit.

Also, if a client cancels on me last minute or is unreliable in someway, I ask for a nonrefundable deposit to be pre-paid for future appointments.

I am a reputable provider with plenty of reviews to recommend me and I think that to just say "no deposits" to these newbies is poor advice.

That being said, I know there are many providers out there who cannot be trusted with a deposit.

So be careful, but I don't think a "no-deposit" policy in all situations is the answer at all.

In the case of newbies and deposits it's better to err on the side of "NO" deposits than it is to give them the impression that deposits are "normal" as they are most definitely NOT normal except in certain circumstances like you mention. Using myself as an example, I have NEVER, not even once ever considered sending a deposit in the four plus decades I've been doing this. Nor will I ever.

That said. I will allow that if a client asks a lady to incur expenses on his behalf, such as extended travel, a hotel incall "just for him", special refreshments or wardrobe, or if he books an extended period of time, these are all above and beyond what is "normal" and quite frankly a deposit is quite understandable.

But please keep in mind that most of us are never going to ask a lady to do any of these things for us and in the "normal' course of business a newbie, or anybody else for that matter should NEVER even consider sending a deposit to any hooker for a simple one or two hour session that does not require extensive travel, and that includes deposits to touring ladies.   To borrow a term from Nancy "Just say NO" lol

You gave her ample opportunity to communicate.

Maybe, since there may be things I'm not seeing, give her an opportunity to reschedule (soon!) or refund. Do not threaten to neg review her if she doesn't, because she may blacklist you on ladies boards.

Providers like this make it harder for girls who DO require a deposit. (And I'm pretty f-ing sure a refund could be issued quite easily & anonymously through squarecash account)

Deposits are very important for dommes like me, as like the other person said, they get flaked on the most. But if it is a multi hour session, incredibly early or late, or things of that nature, a deposit is normal, too. However, for something like an incall fbsm for 90min or less, during working hours, I would assume a deposit would never be needed. IMO.

You would not be a dick for teaching her responsibility and to be considerate. In fact, you would be doing her a favor- her learning to own up to her actions, from someone who will only give her a negative review and not something more heinous, might keep her safe by preventing her from pulling that shit in the future.

Cuz we all got family emergencies and stuff happening. She's not the only one dealing with life, and when providers pull stuff like that, it makes it harder for other providres.

Ah I didn't read that part.

Screw her reputation. When she kept your deposit, she didn't give a fuck about her reputation, why should you?

I said this in my other response, but providers like that make it harder for the other providres. Calling her out will keep her responsible. And also, from what you've said, she seems pretty comfortable gaslighting you and leading you on- keeping your cash but communicating just enough, it's the old "make you feel to guilty to see her as a bad person" trick.

Like I said in the other response: We all go through shit. You gave her a chance, no excuse. Not only that, with the ease in which she did this, you probably are not the first, nor the last, person she will do this to.

I'm even more heated hearing she's a member of the BDSM community. Running small game like that is not owning your dominance.

For a review to be written there has to have been an actual session. These are TER rules

The best he can do is make a post on his/her regional board and bring her bad behavior to the attention of the community.

You are most definitely right that women like her make it harder for the rest of you, just like bad behavior on the part of the guys makes it harder for the rest of us. The reality of the situation however is that "most" experienced guys make it a blanket policy to not give deposits except in circumstances where we ask the lady to spend money out of her pocket specifically for us, and since most of us never ask the ladies to do anything like that, for most of us we will NEVER put up a deposit. The risk reward ratio simply isn't worth it.