take a few minutes to read this. If you haven't yet made your first date here a few things to think about.

If you haven't talked to your wife about the problems in your relationship that are leading you down this path, take a deep breath and have a beer or two and do it. You may be able to come up with a solution that doesn't have such far reaching implications.

If you can't come to a resolution and decide to become a "hobbyist" be prepared for the fallout when she finds out.

Know that if even if you are a fantastic father, son, son-in-law, brother, uncle, the chances of you ever being a fantastic husband again in your wife's eyes are extremely slim. She may still love you and care for you and even forgive you but she will never forget. Be prepared for many questions about why, when and where. When you tell her, she will break down your life together into 3 time periods- before, on-the-fence, and after. Her memories will always be filtered thru those different lenses.

Every past memory- vacations, graduations, parties will be put into the proper order. Then she will micro analyze every detail and try to come up with the exact moment and the accompanying decision making process that went into making your choice to book that appointment.

She will look at every photographs of you with her and the kids and ask herself "before" or "after". She will question any lateness even if you have a good reason. Every upcoming business trip will be a living hell for her. She will wonder what she could have done to prevent this and her self esteem will bottom out. Because she respects your other relationships with family and friends she will go through this alone.

If you work hard you will survive this but keep in mind once you go over the fence everything changes.

I imagine as I write this that I will be flamed mercilessly. It's not what the majority of discusssion board members want to read on this website devoted to the pursuit of pleasure.

With that in mind please remember that this post is intended for those "on the fence". Newbies here are provided with expert advice and commentary on how to hide the cost, choose the best provider, and write the best reviews. Against my will I have become an expert on surviving the aftermath. Maybe my experience can help someone else.

"If you haven't talked to your wife about the problems in your relationship that are leading you down this path, take a deep breath and have a beer or two and do it. You may be able to come up with a solution that doesn't have such far reaching implications."

That's fair advice.  I'd love to be some sort of marriage counselor after I retire; men tell me so many things I suspect their wives don't know, and if they did, the marriage would be a lot better.

Of course, not all hobbyists are married, and not all marriage problems are that easy to fix.  If your wife simply has a low sex drive because of something like menopause, or medications, it's not really fair to demand that she give it up as often as you want it.

unless of course you like that sort of stimulation!

Perhaps another thing to consider is that no providor you ever meet will ever be thinking about these things after you leave!

Okay, on a serious note, I think that was a great post for any potential hobbyists who are currently married. I am not married, but I think a lot of guys who jump into this do so without considering consequences. They are blinded by desire and impulse and tend to forget things that are important in their life. I for one think that I could never be a hobbyist if I were married. The thought of hurting someone that I love that much would be too great to risk. I would certainly talk to my wife a lot before ever considering the hobby. I truly believe in commitment and am very opposed to cheating...even if it is through hobbying. That is the one thing that I value. I would hope my wife would tell me things were so bad that she wanted to cheat on me before doing it. The honesty would be important to me. So these are definitely good points. Think things through before making the plunge.

"If your wife simply has a low sex drive because of something like menopause, or medications, it's not really fair to demand that she give it up as often as you want it."

Well until this Sunday my SO had not had sex with me in 2008.  While we kiss and cuddle daily she has almost zero desire for sex.  I have at length discussed my need, desire and esteem are all in play here but to no avail.

Simply saying that if she has no desire then she shouldn't "give it up".  I don't want her to give it up, I want her to want and desire me.  I don't want a place to cum, I can masturbate for that.

Want to know more read my post called "spilling my guts" or something close to that.  It was w/in that few months.  Search foodcritic

I am a single hobbyist, but still gave myself a lot of time to think about it before I made my first appointment.

This IS a very addictive hobby. It has many dangers and potential consequences that could ruin relationships, destroy families, and alter lives.

Please - Think before you leap!

but as Tolstoy said:  "..unhappy families are each unhappy in their own way."

In my particular unhappy family, I got cut off many years ago and began to hobby.  The meme loved the high life living with me afforded her, so she rode with it; but then got some advice from her gal pals that she could have even more high life without the bother of a hubby around so off to divorce court and now I'm a poorer but happier family.

She didn't even want a single photograph.  Sheesh.

Here's the problem.  A woman's sex drive drops sharply in her early 30's while a man will often maintain a high interest into his 50's.  What's the fix for this disparity in sex drive?  Talking about it won't make woman any more interested.  In fact, more often than not, talking has the opposite effect.

not All womans sex drive drops in their early 30s...Jeepers...where would that leave me?
Youa re with the wrong woman.

-- Modified on 3/31/2008 10:02:23 PM

but it is true that women do lose interest in sex with their spouses after marriage and especially after children.

The issue is usually not physical, but psychological.

mrfisher is correct.  We have two kids and even though my wife is very affectionate (hugs, kisses, love you's), she would by happy with sex just twice a month while I'm a 2-3 times a week person.  She is very receptive when I initiate, but I feel like a heel when she isn't "in to it" as much as I am.

I don't want to leave.  Talking doesn't help and we've tried it.  There isn't a lot of stress in her life since she stays home -- and I work from home too.  I make in the low six figures so money isn't an issue for either of us.  We aren't rich, but we are comfortable.

Emotionally, we are close. We hardly ever argue and agree on just about everything.  As I said earlier, she does initiate occasionally but 1-2 a month isn't enough for me.

I have seen that men to fall into a different state of mind after children..
The 'Mother' syndrome..

I had not ever really encountered this till recently when my Daughter-in-law confided in me that my oversexed son had stop touching her sexually now that she is with child...

some men, including my ex found it so much more sensual,but it is different not a bad different just different.

I was 31 and x-wife 23 when we got married.  By the time she was 28 it was all over.  She went frigid.  I got tired of lubing up her ass to fuck!

I go tired of her ass also, it was not worth fucking anymore.  I started having a few affairs and I started seeing, as they were called then, "escorts".  Well, being married and having affairs is very difficult.  But seeing a provider is a piece of cake (pun intended).  Later on the divorce happened.  It was expensive, but worth it.  Now I see provider and I date.  Sometimes I tellmy date I see providers and some don't ever care.  Bottom line, its better than being married, but people who want to be gluttons for punishment need to talk with their Priest about their marriage.  I chose a different path.

GT

That's why their all on zoloft or some other psycothropic drug.

Marriage, simply put, is nothin more than a truce between 2 natural enemies.

Hey, before y'all jump all over me, I'v sat here for 30 years and listed to all this whining by pill poppin 30ish women while doing divorce work and I tell you what, marriage should be changed to a lease agreement, when they break down or you want a new one eveery 2 years, just go trade her in!!

GT

Lindan

Thank you for your timely post.  I am on the fence, and have paused to reconsider.  You have opened my eyes to things I had blindly chosen not to consider.

Not sure what my final decision will be, but I feel now I will be making it with my eyes open.

Your username provides no clue, nor does your text.  One minute, I'm thinking, "it's a guy speaking from the experience of which he's just detailed", then the next minute I go, "no, it's a lady who KNOWS the pain of what she's just described".  Either way, your thread has significant value and should be strongly considered.  Anyone who flames it is an asshole.

A woman