Sometimes, I get invited to a barbeque at a friend's house. We have some great vittles, talk, laugh and generally have a great time. It reinforces a social bond between us and builds a deeper friendship. But it also comes with a certain social obligation, in that I feel obliged to invite them to my place in the future to "pay them back" for their efforts. It doesn't cost much money - but it takes time and energy.

This is like having an S.O. (Activity exists for the purpose of building social closeness.)

But sometimes, I feel like going out to a fancy resaurant. I like being served exotic recipies, with exphensive ingredients and extensive preparations, cooked up by a trained professional - it's a completely different experience. And it costs a lot - but when I pay the check, I can walk away and never think about that chef again - I don't owe him anything.

This is like dating a provider. (Activity exsists for the purpose of gratifying urges.)


I think your only confusion comes from thinking a barbecue with friends is the same thing as eating in a fancy restaurant. Let's face it: If you're showing up at "Chez Foo-Foo" and then get served Aunt Toolie's potato salad - somethin' ain't right!

You need to sit down and think about what is important to you.  Many men here pay for a provider's time because that time comes without obligation, as another poster pointed out.  If you do not feel that this is right for you, then you should try something like dating agencies.
    It is unwise to continue to do something that makes you feel badly about yourself afterward, such behavior is ultimately destructive.

I have struggled with very similar issues and have a situation not much different than yours, being a single, younger than average hobbyist. You must know what the hobby is, and what it is not.

The hobby experience can be a lot of fun and bring one much pleasure. Some would relate it to something like going to therapy. However, it can never be a replacement for a long term, loving, committed relationship.(whatever that is, never had one last that long)

I have and continue to date occasionally but overall prefer to remain single. Providers offer something different or something that is completely lacking in my life at a particular time. I can feed my desire so there is not such a sense of urgency or immediate need, allowing me to focus on the real relationship. I try to use much of this as a learning experience, and you can gain a lot of perspective from being so intimate with someone who is also completely objective.

Like you, though, I sometimes didn't feel right about it. That is when one must take a step back and clearly examine what your expectations are and what you are getting, or want to get out of the experience. If you still are not satisfied, you may be searching for something deeper within, or looking for it in all the wrong places. The hobby as it's pros and cons, it's highs and lows, just like civilian dating which is where it can get really confusing.  

I may not have all the answers but I will definitely tell you that you are not alone here. The hobby is so exciting and alluring that it just sucks you right in. I too still struggle to keep everything in the proper perspective sometimes.

keep on searching for those answers, I'm right there with you,
best of luck, and if you figure it out let me know, mr.man

Just because you’ve seen a few providers doesn’t mean you can’t date anymore.  Don’t give up.  If you really want to find your soul mate then work hard at devising ways of getting exposure to women that you consider girlfriend material.  Stay away from the negative thoughts.  They are detrimental to your goals and can be a turnoff to women.  Use the hobby to build your self-confidence and to satisfy your sexual urges until you can make real connections.  One drawback of continuing this hobby is that your experiences with providers may set your sexual performance bar so high that non-providers may not be able to satisfy you.  I guess that’s not a serious problem.

I've never had an opportunity to look at this hobby from your perspective, by the time I was 30 I was asshole deep in student loans and was raising three kids (a set of triplets), with another set of twins on the way (all girls).

However it seems to me that you're trying to deal with an emotional issue by satisfying your physical needs. You say that you are having bad luck with the dating scene, what kind of bad luck? Are you controlling, macho, manipulative, wimpy,too giving, emotional, insecure, needy etc.. These are questions that you should be asking yourself. What do you want out of a relationship,. Do you want marriage? Do you want kids? What do you need from a women vs. what you want? What are your expectations. Are you too picky.

Before you start thinking of yourself as pathetic, you really need to sit down and look at who you really are. If you're looking for the perfect women, there is no such thing, in spite of what they may tell us. But I'm sure there is someone out there for you. I know guys that are the biggest jerks on the planet and they have great wives and great kids (go figure). So before you start getting down on yourself, some honest self evaluation is really in order.

In today's environment, there are literally hundreds of websites for singles with pictures profiles and the whole works. In my day it was simply the bars and the disco. I find it hard to believe that you have that much of a problem dating. It is really hard to be honest with other people if you are not honest with yourself.

I honestly wish you the best, but it's time to find out about you, and find out what it is that you really need. As far as what women need, definately the emotional connection, and in today's world, the intellectual connection, and of course the financial stability and last but not least the physical connection (the physical connection by itself will not keep the relationship together).

Good luck my friend and you don't need to feel bad about enjoying this hobby it's a part of life.  

If you are with providers because you can't get nookie otherwise and it makes you feel bad, I suggest stopping this hobby.  It has the potential of being an addiction, like alcohol or drugs, and make you waste your money and make you feel bad later when you have a quiet time to think.  It has the potential to be a sex addiction with the potential to destroy your life.

If it's an issue of getting dates, and it's difficult for you the old-fashioned way, why don't you try an online dating service.  There are a few out there:  matchmaking.com, match.com, Yahoo Personals.  Check the link below which shows you several online dating services.  It's not automatic nookie and you have to work at it, but it'll make it easier if you can start with someone compatible with you -- and you can try to make the match in your own privacy online.

This hobby works best when you're after variety and for short-term, no-obligation rendezvous.  It should not be a replacement for a serious relationship, or you can get yourself into trouble.