OK, so here's me - basically poised to dive in and try this... virtually no similar experiences in my past.... been reading all over TER, getting things figured out... shopping now for hobby phone... will probably submit myself to a third party verification site, etc. More or less about to go over the waterfall, but before I do...
What should I reasonably expect to go "wrong" in, say, the first 12 months of doing this? Suppose I'm basically careful, and reasonably smart and cautious... Is the average guy going to: get an STD? get outed somehow? Something else bad?
In other words, what's the honest "big picture" here? Can the average guy in a committed relationship do this for any length of time and not wind up screwing his life/job/health/SO up?
I'm *incredibly* tempted... I *want* to do this, really bad. But if we were all sitting around over drinks, and being really honest with each other, as the conversation wore on would the seasoned veterans ultimately say: don't do it, kid, it's not worth it?
You having one HELL of a good time with us!
Jay
I had managed to hobby for about eight years before I got caught.
The hotel I stayed at sent a bill to the house...busted!
Now I have an ex with a lot of my money. On the other hand, I have something that is priceless: freedom.
In a way, I'm sort of glad how things worked out.
There are any number of ways for the SO to find out. One big question is how naive, or suspicious is she? Only you know that.
The other problems you mention: STD's, LE, job, etc., those can all be handled easily. In thirty-five years of weekly hobbying I've never had any problems with those.
You have to gauge your own level of need for security. This is not a hobby for the risk adverse. But if you can handle it, the rewards are phenomenal.
These dummies sent an email to a bogus account my wife had set up to enter on-line contests. They sent an email (how they knew what it was when I didn't even know about it!!) and asked how my stay was.
Luckily later that day of the motel visit with the provider I had played golf with a mutual friend of my wife and I, so I kinda had an alibi!!
So now I will not get the room. The provider has too. Since then no problems!!
I'd say that makes you incredibly lucky, or me incredibly UNlucky.
In 3 years of very sporadic hobbying, always covered and "safe", I have indeed contracted an STD. Everything is fine now, and I certainly don't intend to overplay the risk, but to imply that the risk isn't there is ludicrous.
This guy is asking for input on a decision that has potentially life changing implications, and deserves a serious answer rather than glossed over platitudes. After that, is his to decide whether the valid risks outweigh the very real and wonderful rewards.
I have been hobbying for over thirty five years, with only a five year hiatus while I was married. I have seen well in excess of a thousand different providers in addition to several hundred civvie sexual partners over this period of time.
I have "NEVER" contracted an STD and although I don't mean to minimize the risks, I am enjoying my fourth decade of enjoyment without any adverse consequences.
If so, this is the first time I have heard anyone on TER mention this happening.
as I tend to hobby in binges (always covered). The time period in question I saw several (6?) ladies in a weeks time period. There was one occasion during those meetings that there was an incident with the condom resulting in a few seconds of uncovered contact, followed by a thorough washing-up. I have absolutely no basis in stating that this was or wasn't the fateful moment...
My point, however, is that STDs are a reality in the hobbying experience. Not necessarily common, but definitely a consideration, especially for the married hobbyist.
PM incoming.
“The other problems you mention: STD's, LE, job, etc., those can all be handled easily. In thirty-five years of weekly hobbying I've never had any problems with those”
Well………LE, yeah. If you keep yer yap shut, no big deal, most likely. You’re job? Who knows? Depends on a lot of factors.
STD’s? that’s a whole different can-worms.
You may cross wires with your SO if you get caught with your hand in the panty jar. And that may end up being an expensive process to get out of. But, if you pick-up, say…HSV2 or genital warts…for the_rest_ of_your _life you will be faced with the dilemma of informing your next sexual partner of your status.
Now, that won’t be the end of the world. In fact, life will surely go on just fine. The STD’s you pick up today (even HIV, at this point), are all reasonably manageable. But, you really don’t want those things.
I am delighted that some gentlemen around here have avoided problems---maybe for decades—and I sincerely hope you guys continue to experience that good fortune. But no one should ever negate the potential risk, or make that secondary to getting caught by your wife.
Your wife will go away. There are some STD’s that never will.
Play. Have fun. But be well informed. The risk here is real and can have very real consequences.
Get the divorce now. That way you don't have to spend so much time worrying and sneaking around. Hobbying is so much more fun unshackled.
Here's my take. I dove in 2/10/08 (so just over a year ago) so I'm not the seasoned vet by any means, but it seems to me like your doing the right things so far. Reading the boards, getting the hobby phone, etc. I did all those things. I consider myself to be an average guy - maybe not the average TER guy but pretty much average. And, knock on wood, I have NOT contracted an STD, nor have I screwed my "life/job/health/SO up". I have been cautious and careful and see only well reviewed ladies.
Worth it??
HELL YES!!
I have met some abso-frakin-lutely wonderful ladies. I've had my world rocked!
I've also made some great new friends with some of the ladies and gents here. So speaking just for myself I'd do it again and regret not having found TER earlier!
The only problem I have is an addiction to TER...
LOL
C_K
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I know it will.
Having sex with multiple partners increases your chance for catching an STD. Doesn't matter if they are paid or not. Take precautions and you reduce your chances.
Cheating on your partner always means there is a chance you can get caught. That's just the way it is.
I would say that you won't know until you try. Any number of things can go wrong but that does not mean that any of them will. Aside from the legal and monetary considerations one pitfall that happens to a lot of newbies is falling for a lady or the lifestyle and getting in over your head. Staying smart and safe is important but keeping perspective is critical.
I hobbied as a married man for over twenty years. never got caught by the wife or caught an STD. The few times I felt threatened by legal entanglement it was because I got sloppy and got involved in situations that I should have avoided. I was lucky, didn't get caught, and learned my lesson.
There are some questions that only experience will answer.
ok, here are some of the hazards with a caveat of who I am...
I am a divorced dad with two kids. I use escorts and date strippers... I did not hobby while married, but had hobbied for a few years prior to getting married. Hobbying was not what killed my marriage... Other things did.
So now what to worry about...
Can you get a life threatening STD? Yea, you can any number of ways, but if you are reasonably careful, mind your p's and q's probably not. Very low possibility - like .0001%
Can you get an STD that is treatable? Yea, you can most definately. How? BBBJ, DATY, genital to genital contact etc. How to protect yourself... Covered BJ no DATY etc. AND regular check ups with the doc.... Possibility? less than 5% or so... maybe even less than 1% so really not a big worry.
Can you get caught by co-workers, members of your social circle, boss, members of your church? etc. Yea, you can. Especially if they keep track of online activity. especially if you talk and tell even one person. don't leave things "out in the open" What I find curious is it seems like some "WANT TO BE CAUGHT!" I cannot emphasize that enough. I read some of the stories on TER and it is very clear that the gent (or lady) wished to get caught (or they believed themselves to be invincible... either is not good). but if you are careful, take the appropriate precautions and don't leave a trial (large withdrawals on a single day, scribbled phone #s, parking receipts, that cannot be explained) they you should have no problems. Probability of getting caught? if you want to get caught - 100% if you are careful and do the right things less than 0.1%
and finally will you SO catch you... depends. if you give her reason to catch you.... like you don't have sex with her - and she wishes you to... you never have budget for things she wants to do... but there are withdrawals from the accounts with no rational explanation... you are not around... etc..... well that is greater than 99% Certain.
However, if you are careful - take care of business at home... you will hobby and be a happy man.
as I see it, those are the dangers... but wait - there is one more.
And that one is not covered above.
You fall for a provider - and you fall hard. THAT HAPPENS... probability of it occuring ? based on reading TER 50% or better.
Let's face it - we pick ladies from our resources who appeal to us. and the ladies when we see them, make sure to provide us with what we seek - sexually, mentally, spirtually... that is their job. and we pay them for it. How could you NOT fall for them - and therein is a hidden danger... it could also happen that they fall for you, but that is less of a probability... but that too - does occur.
Is it worth it? For that high of feeling being wanted, being pleased, and most of all being made to feel special and important... well, I calculate that it is. sad to say, that is probably how the partners in marriage make each other feel early in the marriage - and then they loose it... and it is a necessary human need....
so there you have Bizzaro's take.... for what it is worth.
Especially your last argument concerning falling for a provider is very true and cannot be taken too lightly. I agree with your reasoning why it happens and sadly have fallen in that trap too. Luckily I got a hold of myself and have gotten over it and I surely have learned a lot from it.
Even with this happen I have no regrets and will just keep hobbying on.
that you can take all sorts of precautions against the "fall in love" scenario and still get into trouble.
for instance you can read reviews until your eyes fall out to find assurances that the provider is not "your type" and go forth with confidence that you won't fall into that trap.
the trick is that some providers have a distinct stage persona quite different from their private personal persona. so even if you screen carefully to assure you are immune from falling there may be a surprise in store for you if she chooses to reveal more of herself. then variety is the best remedy....
-- Modified on 2/14/2009 5:37:25 PM
So much info here ... thanks for sharing.
I would add another area ... those who travel on business frequently have a better chance of staying "undetected," especially if they travel out of their home area. But the "safety" prep should be the same ... watch your receipts, CC expenditures, cash withdrawals, and be sure to check what's in your luggage if the SO is the one who unpacks you ... the strangest things have a way of showing up in there ... Good luck.
with a nosey SO knowing how to check history and do searches on my email at 4:30 AM... and that wasn't THAT bad for me...
Basic rules:
Know how to erase history
private email that nobody else knows about
only use your cell phone
Stay away from Craigs List - CL - no exceptions, no way no how - STAY AWAY - you can look just don't go there...
Back Page is a little better - but only if the lady is reviewed
When in doubt - ASK a question on this board
Date Check / Preferred411 are okay to get verified...
and watch out - after 10 years of hobbying - I don't know how to date conventionally - I'm sitting at dinner looking at her, and wondering ... hmmm, does she CIM ... she asks, 'what's on your mind?"
ladies that go 0 to 60 in a heart beat and then those that go 0 to first base in 3 dates - duh??? LOL
Are you mentally ready for this, or are you going to get a case of guilty consious? When you SO asks you where you have been or why are you so late, Etc. can you look her in the eye, lie to her and make her believe it? Just something else to think about.
...in a committed relationship, so why are you? I'd say you're taking the first step in screwing up your life/job/health/SO. I'd hesitate to jump into hobbying without understanding why my relationship isn't working, and then resolve that first.
I'm a happy camper, not currently involved with a woman, and I prefer it that way. I have decided that the truth is the most important thing in my life and if I were involved with someone I wouldn't be able to reconcile a conscious decison to hurt someone I care about for an occasional roll in the hay with a provider. That's just me....Do what you think is best.
and you still feel the need. You can either play or watch the game. The choice is yours.
First, I have been doing this seriously now for about 8 years.
I have had some very nice experiences, a few so so experiences, and some wonderful experiences with some exceptional women.
The dangers: The biggest is getting caught. I think this can be avoided if you are extremely careful and protective of your spouse. So, I don't charge anything; I always have a reason to be where I am going to be; I don't do silly things. I am very careful. I have money put away private money so no questions. I don't charge gifts, etc. I am personally careful: I always travel with our brand of soap, a small bottle of our brand of shampoo, odorless deodorant, tooth brush and paste, and mouthwash. I shower after my date and leave the stuff there. I do this to smell like myself when I am done.
Now disease. In general, the women you will meet are generally far better educated and much more careful than the general population, but be as serious as they are. That means, no uncovered intercourse, of course, but there is danger in daty (I have laid this out many times on these boards.) If you refrain fron that and bare back sex, the chances of catching something are small. (I personally love daty so I do not refrain.)
I can't tell you the quality of many of the women I have met hobbying. You will see. O have also made some satisfying friendships with posters here. Most of the men here are bright and educated so a group I am proud to be a part of.
Feel free to PM me if I can be of any further help. I hope you are as enriched and pleased as I have been.
Thanks for all the responses posted. Very valuable feedback...
I'm late to the party replying here, but 2 things. This is incredibly addicting. If you aren't careful you'll start spending money you don't have. Think crack cocaine or gambling. Plus if you have an SO and a job you are probably doing this during the day and your work will start to suffer or at the least your SO will wonder why you don't have any vacation time left.
2nd, at some point you'll say or do something to piss off or scare off a provider you've seen and she'll stop talking to you. And that sucks if you wanted to see her again. Fortunately there are plenty of other lovely ladies to see.