What was your hus... reason for seeing others?

For starters, I would say that if you are on a discussion board, any discussion board, asking total strangers what you should do about your marital situation then you and your husband have issues that run a lot deeper than his infidelity.

Secondly, you are asking a bunch of guys who cheat on their wives what we think of a guy who cheats on his wife.

Maybe it's time to log off and go talk to your husband.

to follow up from what other posters have said - there is some reason he is doing what he is doing...and it either has something to do with you (i.e. the oral sex thing you mentioned he said) or it doesn't (i.e. he has some compulsion that you have no control over)

either way, you need to decide, knowing what you know, if you want to fight for your relationship or if you want to cut your losses at the betrayal and leave, and he needs to decide the same

you need to talk to him and find out what his motivation is, and i would strongly suggest couples therapy if the two of you decide you want to try to fight for your relationship - despite what is said here, the decisions about what happens are made by you and him

good luck

heinous

I have been afraid I would get caught by my wife for some time now.  I try to cover my tracks but if she looks hard enough she could find clues.  My wife is very trusting.  I value the freedom and trust she gives me.  I never want to hurt her.  I have found sex and the hobby to be quite addicting.  My therepist suggested the book, Out of The Shadows,  Understanding Sex Addiction.  I found it helpful to see what I am going through.  I do not want to quit.  I just want to have it under control enough not to get caught.  If my wife found out I would have to quit or lose her.  I would probably have to attend counseling with her. There is a high likelihood of eventually falling back to my old ways over a period of time.  

Sex with my wife is very good.  Not top professional level but certainly no reason for me to stray.  I have been able to teach her a couple of things I learned from "reading books" so I say.

Do not blame yourself.  It is him, not you.  Of course you should try to be the best lover you can Be as should he.  That has nothing to do with his hobbying.

Prostitute is such a harsh word.  These ladies are providers.  They do not go psycho to your wife and try to steel your husband away from them.  I see it as much better then a love affair and I hope my wife would also.

To the provider that thinks that all men suck:  We are not that bad.  We are just from Mars and Ladies are from Venus.  It is just the way some of us are wired.  I am sorry you have such a harsh view of men.

I hope you do not end a great marriage over this.  If it was a lousey one anyway then what the hell.  Certainly if you let him have his cake and eat it too he will.  If I had an ultimatum to quit or my wife leaves I guess I would have to quit.  Boy would I be bummed.

If your post is a legit post, you already know the answer. Just ask your favorite mirror.

Forget the "I am a beautiful woman crap". That's BS and you know it.
Go out, hit the gym, fix yourself up, and learn how to satisfy your husband in the sack.

Problem solved!

speakprice,
I never cheated on my first wife even when she cheated on me.  She avoided sex...  with me... as much as possible, while she was screwing every guy in town including some of my friends.

I did not cheat on my present wife for most of the 20 years we've been married.  She honestly told me that she "can take it or leave it" about sex.  Mostly she avoids it.  She's busy with her carreer, her several hobbies & activities, first our kids, now grandkids... all of which are more inportant than intimacy with her husband.  It's after 11PM & I'm home alone again...  have not been intimate for a couple of months.  
After a NON-sexual first marriage wasted my best sexual years, I'm now confronted with a progressive medical condition which has already reduced my sexual ability & which will eventually take it completely.  You know on occasions I get to a point where my partner needs to "do whatever it takes to finish what we've started"...  not quit on me & say she's too tired.  If she'd been open to what was needed then we'd have finished already.

I carefully explained my situation to my Favorite "provider" she said "It wouldn't be a problem"...  and it hasn't been because she quickly learned what to do & when.  So this lady...  a mature woman, attractive but no model to be sure...  gives me what my wife just does not seem to be able to, or want to...

I do love my wife.  We do make love.  It's totally different than paid sex.  The ideal would be to combine the LOVE with the pleasure.  Physically it's a disappointment.  If my wife would be open to sex other than after 11PM (not my best time).  More than a ration of "once a week".  Have the empathy to finish what we start.  Make me feel that I was important to her...  I would not have the energy to go elsewhere.  I can only speak for myself...  I don't know how other men might feel.  

You know what I desire most of all?  A lover who drains me, takes all I have to give...  but still reaches for ME...  who still wants me.  Who still loves me in the afterglow.  I love to lie with a partner & to have my hand on her chest over her heart...  to merge out heartbeats & breathing...  it is truely bonding if both are open to it.  

You asked for advise.  I have to suggest counciling...  separate first before joint sessions.
First YOU must decide what YOU want.
Second HE must decide what he wants.
Then you must compare the choices & see if they are compatible.  If they are, then you must work on the communication.  If they are not, then all the promises in the world will not change things.  {I was blessed in that dark period of my life when my soon-to-be-ex told the councilor "I don't want to be married to him any more."  As much as that hurt...  I was crushed...  it removed the doubt from my mind as to what I had to do.}  But if both of YOU want to fix your marriage...  you can do it.

I wish you well.  I wish you Peace.  You must each find the answers within ourselves.
jtp

In the meantime please know that Ladies on this board probably the reason why you and your husband are still married.

Whatever were his reasons for seeing other women (and nobody knows what they were except him) he would do it even there was not one available escort in the world.  


It could have been worse - he could end up having emotionally charged affair. His mistress could end up calling your house all hours of day and night. He could fall in love with another woman and get her pregnant.  He could get sued by secretary.  Scenarios are endless.  With us .. there are well defined boundaries and mutual need for discretion.

I am not defending him. He made a conscious choice and his responsibility was to shield you from finding out. It is possible that he subconsciously wanted to get caught.  If both of you have something worth saving in your marriage this unfortunate even may be what two of you needed to open communication. If not, you were given a reason to end the marriage.  Whatever your decision will be, only you and your husband can decide.

Best wishes

Lina

who regularly take care of what the "Wife" could have and should have been taking care of for a VERY long time. You may be an absolutely gorgeous woman; but that doesn't necessarily mean you "deserve more", or less.

break up with him. I am a provider myself, caught my boyfriend with providers over 10 times and he lied about it all 10 times. says he will change, says he won't lie, it never happened. i even said "ok i'm a provider, you can see other providers if that makes you feel better, just tell me about it" he still is lying. he's not going to change, he is willing to give you up for the providers he can potentially fuck. also- if he's hiding this from you, imagine what else hes hiding.

I'd kick him out personally.
I am a companion and have been for a very ong time. What I do I love yet its my job in the end.
The guys I see are for work its not a fantasy of mine. There is a huge difference between seeing a companion and being a companion.
I have always been faithful in my relationships I have no sexual fantasies about my clients. Many of them i have a great time with but they are not my lovers just my clients.
I would not in any way tolerate cheating even in a relationship while I was doing this. Sounds one sided right, well I see gentlemen sight unseen and knowing really very little about them. I am there to fill their fantasies and I do. But even when I have a Great time with them its still my job. I go home and don't think about them. Theres a difference for certain.
Yes you do deserve better.
Noone can tell you whats the right thing for you to do. You have to live with your choices. I do agree counciling is a good idea. I am sorry you are having this trouble.
One thing I can say is you came here to understand it seems with an open mind and thats more than most can do. Sounds as though your hubby is quite lucky you are thinking your choices through. You sound very hurt. I wish you well and hope what you seek you find, what ever that is.

My condolences miss. Speaking for myself, I'm completely single and wouldn't be doing this otherwise. Having been on the opposite side of this, I can only tell you that I had to walk. Whatever you decide, please get yourself tested as some clients/providers aren't very safe. And again, you have my sympathy.

Please find a Neutral Councilor who can help you explore what you truly want.  There is no 1 answer that is right for everyone.  

Also your husband needs to look inward & decide what outcome he wants.  

Until you each make this inward journey, you can not decide the next step.  Unless both of you have compatible goals then all the counciling in the world is a waste of time.  

If you have compatible goals, then you'll need to EACH take the steps necessary to make it happen.  I wish I could tell you it will be all right, but no one knows that.  Neither of your lives will ever be the same.  This is a LIFE CHANGING EVENT...  like a fire or car wreck or heart attack...  

But rather than wallowing in it, you both must decide to move forward either together or separately.  In either case, you will never forget, maybe you can forgive (I don't know).  It takes time to work through & a lot of hard work.  [Honestly, even with counciling, it took 6 months to begin to get my head straight after my separation & eventual divorce.]  Do not expect a quick fix.

Stop asking WHY?  It happened.

What is important is if each of you have compatible future goals?  Really.

You seem willing to do what ever it takes to recreate your marriage.  The old one is gone.  But you 2 can build a new and better one TOGETHER if you both want to.  

Is HE willing to committ to do so?
Are YOU?
If so, you have the basis to move forward.  Do NOT expect to be healed overnight.  It just won't happen.  

If HE committs, you must not hold grudges but allow him to EARN your trust & respect one day at a time.  It will take many days of baby steps.  

Best wishes for your life moving forward,
jtp


 

-- Modified on 8/9/2009 6:59:53 AM

A lot of issues were raised in this thread; one being the culpability of providers in such scenarios. I'd like to share my thoughts; understanding that my thoughts are subject to change based upon superior knowledge offered by others, further research and further experience.

Everybody needs a standard of value from which to judge the rightness of one's actions. For some, it is "It's what I WANT to do, therefore it must be right." For others, it is social convention, religion, law, etc. For me it is "rational human life." I hold to this even if it flies in the face of law, religion, or social convention except where other compliances are compelled.

I won't get into it too deeply, but I derive all of my values from that standard. For example, lying can be wrong because it may lead a person to make a decision other than what is in his best interests.

But values like this have to be applied flexibly according to a hierarchy. You can't just say "all lying is always wrong." Is it right to lie to a hijacker in order to save the lives of innocents? Of course it is. It is entirely permitted to commit a lesser wrong in order to prevent a greater wrong.

Lying, killing or stealing in one circumstance may be right, but wrong in another. The same applies to cheating. Why would cheating be the only thing exempt from such qualification?

Obviously, if I cheat, I have justified it to myself on a hierarchy of values and decided that the cheating prevents a greater wrong that would be more injurious to rational human life. And I believe my position in that regard is supportable.

The details of that shouldn't matter to anyone but me. I will simply state that, yes, I believe that what little cheating I do actually benefits my wife. It certainly takes nothing away from her.

And this is the point. A provider is not in a position to sit around untangling someone's personal life, vetting it, and judging that person's decisions on an objective basis.

Once a provider has accepted the same premise that I have; that cheating may be either right or wrong and COULD benefit the wife -- the provider is off the hook ethically, EXCEPT that she has an obligation to take precautions to prevent the spread of STDs.

There is no way for a provider to establish the rightness/wrongness with certitude. She has to rely on the hobbyist for that. Sometimes the hobbyist is acting rightly, sometimes wrongly. That's part of being human; but it isn't reasonable to expect a provider to be a mind-reader in order to make that distinction.

At first blush, it appears that some providers have a double standard. That is, they will assist cheating but would not tolerate this in their own lives.

But looking at it at a deeper level, it really ISN'T a double standard.

The fact that a provider wouldn't tolerate cheating personally doesn't mean that she believes all cheating is always bad. Rather, from her knowledge of men and why men cheat (and her knowledge in this regard is superior), she believes that no man with her would ever be justified in cheating on her. Probably, she is correct. After all, 30% of men never cheat in their whole lives -- and part of that is having married women who know how to deal with husbands.

This entire arena is extremely complex due to the human capacity for self deception both to secure material goods and positive self-image; along with the fact that human drives are complex, interrelated and far from monolithic.

The crucible of evolution has endowed us with a wide range of behavioral adaptability in the sexual realm among others. This is no mistake, and exists because at various times different behaviors have been adaptive and have withstood Nature's harshest test.

This is why I use the standard for judgment that I do: rational human life.

Either way, anyone who thinks this is a simple area in which to assign harsh judgments to providers is not looking deeply enough.

But from my particular perspective, I see nothing wrong with providers enabling cheating per se. That judgment lies with the hobbyist.

The hobbyist, however, should endeavor to avoid self-deception as that could lead to mistaken decisions that could end up doing more harm than good. Let's face it, a lot of guys should really be talking to their wives well in advance of visiting with other women. I understand this can be difficult, but it can also be rewarding. If you can't trust your wife, of all people, with your fantasies -- why should you trust a stranger?

At the same time, providers should also maintain an open mind that permits of the possibility of a cheating husband still being capable of moral action and worthy of respect. They don't know the whole situation, and likely never will.

There is one place where I would hold providers to a very high standard; however. And that is that if a provider has the moral view that all cheating is always wrong or that men are generally incapable of moral action. In those cases, providers SHOULD have the courage of their convictions to limit their clients to single men only.

Plenty of single men use escorts.

Re: There is a reason why this is sometimes referred to as the . . .

world's oldest profession.  Guys sometimes need afection that they are unable to get elsewhere.  Two options exist: (1) have an affair and (2) see a provider.

With option #1, there are way too many mental, emotional, time, etc. challanges.

Therefore, I choose option #2.

I don't even know why I do what I do but I am starting to get a better understanding.  I like the intimacy.  I like not having to initiate the play.  I like not having sex tied to how I have behaved at home for the last few days.  I do have power issues with my wife at work that hurts our intimacy.  I have not shared all fantasies and curiosities with her. She and I do have a good sex life.

I do not want to blame any of my actions on my wife.  I know hobbying is a poor way to handle some need I obviously have. I am not even sure exactly what the need is.  

Maybe I am just reading into this too far.  I have cash and recently I realized the Internet offers me a big candy store.  I never could resist a good piece of pie. The total package is not as good as my life partner but it is new, fresh and exciting!  For an hour I just don't care if she makes good financial decisions or deals well with my friends.  For a lifetime I do.

I try to rationalize my behavior in ways suggested.  So far I have had to just consider it a personal fault.  I try to make up for it by being a better person to my wife and others in different ways.  I know I never can compensate enough for this sin.