I am a newbie and just started this "hobby".  I have been married for 5 years.  I was wondering if any married men out there can offer some advice on how to overcome the guilt.  I really enjoy being with other women, but after the act, I get overwhelmed with guilt.  My wife and I don't do it very often.  We fight a lot and I once thought about leaving her.  But now we have our first baby on the way, I am extremely confused with my emotions.  I love my wife, but I feel as though I need to be with the providers to be satisfied.  Is this a normal feeling?  Can you be a hobbiest and a good husband/father at the same time?  I am 29 years old, and basically gave up on sexual needs several years ago....until last week.

You are way to young to start to hobby. Wait until your are 35 or older. Because if you start now you will become more addicted than if you start at older more wiser age. The guilt will never go away. You will have flashbacks to rest of your life. When you bang your wife you will be imagine her as previous provider that you were with.

If you feel so guilty now, your guilt will give you away when you start to hobby. My recommendation is that if you are going to play go away "Hobby out of state out of mind". Never hobby in your own back yard.

Make sure you take a business trips for 2 days. The first night you can play. The 2nd night you can rest and wipe the guilty (smile) off your face.

The other thing to watch out is if the provider can bang better than your wife, you could get in serious trouble with your marriage.

Go back and read your own post again.  Do yourself, and more importantly your wife and baby, a favor and either 1) get yourselves some marital counselling or, 2) get a divorce.  Judging from the tone of your post, #1 would be a better option for you.  Good luck.

If you do, then you two should __seriously__ consider marriage counselling (both joint and individual), especially with a baby on the way. I don't know if this is your case or not, but many couples in trouble think that having a child will deepen their commitment to the marriage and make it stronger. Having a child has the _exact_ opposite effect. If your marriage is in trouble now, having a baby will probably destroy it unless you __want__ to get help and are committed to making your marriage work.

Having children is one of the most rewarding things that can happen to a couple. But it is also one of the hardest jobs you will ever have, and it's not a job you can quit. Unless you totally turn your back on your children you will always be a father, even if you're not a husband.

I'm going to guess that you and your wife have problems communicating with one another. I mean real, honest, heart-to-heart communication. You both need to be able to talk with each other about your needs, concerns, fears, hopes, dreams, etc. without the conversation degenerating into argument after argument. Marriage counselling will help you with that too. It can also help the two of you figure out if the marriage is worth saving.

Unless you have an open marriage, hobbying and being a "good husband (one that doesn't 'cheat')" are mutually exclusive. Now, if, by "good husband", you mean "provide and work towards maintaining a warm, honest, loving and stable environment and relationship with your family", then yes it's possible. You just better have a spouse that graciously accepts, or better yet wants to participate in, your extra-curricular activity.

At 29, you've got a long road ahead of you if you choose to stay in an unhappy marriage. The two of you will be utterly miserable. Good marriages don't just happen, they require constant care and feeding along with a good dose of hard work from both parties to make them work. If the two of you aren't willing to work at it, then get out, if not for your own sake, then for your child's. Two miserable people raising a child isn't in anyone's best interests.

Think long and hard about your actions.  I was in the same boat as you 9 years ago.  The sex was almost non-existent at home and as a result of that, I started hobbying.  I too considered leaving my wife and as it turned out, I waited too long.  I never had the balls to actually leave her.

On one of the rare occassions that we did have sex, she got knocked up (I thought she was on the pill).  At that point, I realized any hopes I had of ever leaving had gone out the door.  My personal belief is, I will put up with whatever crap she dishes out, as long as it is not detrimental to the kids.  
We don't fight in from of the kids, she gives me a charity fuck once a month (whether I need it or not!) and I put up with it.  I will continue to put up with it until the kids are eighteen and I feel they will not be screwed up by my leaving.

In my mind, I quickly get past the guilt because I feel she is robbing me of the intimacy that I am entitled to.  She knows I will never leave the kids because of my personal beliefs.  She has me by the short hairs.

I wish now that I had left before the kids were born so they would not know what it was to have a father around full time.  They would have had nothing to compare to.  To address your post, if I were in your position, I would hold off on hobbying for a few years.  See if you can't work out your issues with her.  If you know it will never work, decide for yourself if you should leave her now.  I suspect that since you haven't had the balls to leave her after years of inadequate sexual activity, you porbably won't be able to to it now.

Since you have a kid on the way, everything you do now has to consider the impact on the kid. You now are living your life for that child.  If it means you have to go without as much sex as you desire, deal with it.  You now have the obligation to make sure your child is taken care of, even at the expense of your sexual satisfaction.

If you can't accept that, then you should consider leaving now.  You are a little young to hobby in my opinion.  My views changed after I started because if figured, if she doesn't put out, I'll just go see a provider.  That option made me work less on my relationship.  I figured I had an option and if she didn't put out, I could find the release somewhere else.  I really didn't need her for that so I stopped working on making her happy.

Handle you relationship and the life of your child first.  Hobbying will always be there and will be an option in the future.  You don't need to hobby now if you can avoid it.  Good luck.

Poonhuntr, that was a very insightful post.  I thoroughly appreciate it.  Thanks to all who contributed as well. I guess I can stop hobbying for now... well, we'll see.   It can be addictive I am sure, as I am itching to go back already after only a few days. The baby is my #1 priority now, and thank you for pointing that out.

My wife has never really been "cold" to me.  We fight about money and material stuff a lot.  I don't like being with her when I'm in a bad mood. We don't have sex much mainly because we never want sex at the same time.  Over time, my desire for sex dwindled to almost zero.  She tries to be nice to me, but I can't be myself around her.  Definitely communication problems.

I will consider sticking around until my kid turns 18. Then I'll hobby like mad. Crap, by then I'll be 48..... God knows if I would be able to perform at that age! *sigh*  Wish I could hobby now and still be a good dad.  

Hobbying is very appealing to me mainly because I only had a couple of girlfriends before I got married.  I never really experienced exciting sex from anyone.  I truly thank the last provider who breathed life into me. I never thought sex could be so wonderful.  I know I shouldn't be hobbying anymore, but it's hard...  I hope I can survive the next 18 years without it...

If you look deeply into your soul, you'll realize you already know the right thing to do.  

It's very deep in our genes to want to be with multiple women.  Some men choose to ignore the desire, others fight it until they can no longer resist and still others embrace the idea.  Given the kind of guilt you describe, it sounds like you're not ready to join those who make use of providers' services.

Work at your marriage.  Devote your energy to that effort.  Find out if you two should really be married or if you should be divorced.  But getting involved with providers will simply cloud the issue.  What's worse; in your emotional state, there's a very high probability you'll fall for one of your new friends.  And these boards abound with sad stories of hobbyists who fell in love with providers and everyone wound up losing.

Finally, make your decision based on your marriage -- not on the fact that a baby's on the way.  As was said earlier, a baby won't heal an ailing marriage, but it very may well destroy it completely.

I have been hobbying for years(20,or so). I have seen providers since the early years of my marriage (been married for 18 yrs). I have no regrets. I love variety, and have a very strong libido. I see a provider at least once a week...This week I saw two.... My marriage is fine except in the sex dept. I think if you are feeling too guilty then you should not hobby. I personally dont usaully have any guilt.

As a couple of the responders to your post pointed out.  You loved this woman once enough to marry her and take marital vows with her.  Every marriage will have it's difficulties and finances and small habits often are the points of difficulty.
    If you plan to stick around in an unhappy marriage until your kid turns 18, then you have a very long wait and a lot of suffering for you, your wife and the kid ahead.  Make a good faith effort at marital counseling, work hard to convince your wife to join you.  Share some of your feelings about why you feel counseling is needed.  If she then refuses and want to continue down the current path then maybe your marriage is not recoverable.

it sounds to me like you are on the road to a wonderful married life. really!  I dare any of these respondents that told you that you are too young or not to do it can really say they are any less hypocritical.  Your wife is having a baby.  Sex is even more out the window than ever.  She won't even think about it until this kid is about 9 months old...maybe. THen, it may be linked with the desire for #2...  So the hobby is fine if not therapeutic.  Counseling?  Maybe but I think you can be a good father, husband and hobbiest...just ask the other 2000 TER members.

I could not agree more. My wife had a kid 2 years ago, and we have done it once since. Face it, the kind of sex you can have with a provider is nothing like I know any married man getting. It is all about you with a provider. I do it 1-2 times a month each time with someone different and I have a happy married life (sans the sex) with my son and my wife. Lets get real with this: no need for a divorce or some head nodding bitch counselor. Take your marriage for what it will give you with realistic expectation of sex getting less and worse with time.

...it is total GFE.  BBFS, mutual masturbation, totally incredible.  Believe me, it gets better by year 3 and steadily improves.  In fact, it is a matter of priorities.  THere will be waves of great sex followed by the interference of real life.  This is why vacations are required.  Sex may get to be less often but it will be 'socks off' when it happens.  Enjoy it and remember, she will be the one who will change YOUR diapers with total love when you need it.  Of course, be ready to change her's too.

I am also married and started hobbying due to lack of sex in the marriage [married for 12 years]. I was not feeling guilty about the act, but always worried, I might catch something and pass it. The more I read of STD's the more worried I got. Sometime ago, due to prostatitis, I had a swelling in my testicles, and I freaked out of my mind, thinking I got a form of STD. I alwayed played it safe, always used condom and never did DATY or kissing etc. So I went to our personal physician who happens to be a good friend also. She said, it is not STD, and could be related to prostrate and might have been triggered due to my guilt or stress. Anyways, I went thru all the STD test and thankfully everything came negative [those 3 days were the longest in my life].
My physician also suggested after this incident, if I am still inclined to continue, I should take some counselling. But, this incidence taught me a lesson, if I want to continue to do this, I should get a divorce or if not, I stop. I chose the later, 'cause I love my wife, and I would not be able to face myself I contract something and passed it on to her.

Hope this helps