I am not a newbie per say but am still fairly new to independent/screening. If a gent provides a couple references BUT the gals he lists I cannot crosscheck...for example, out of state gals that have too few, old reviews, no website, no active ads and wants me to call her or txt her for reference....I can't accept reference from her. I do realize every state is different and maybe the gent has a provider who is under the radar etc.....what is the best approach in declining gents references? I don't want to offend anyone but can't accept unless I can ensure she is an actual provider, an active provider....maybe the gent just is from out of state and things are different etc? I have been declining as politely as possible but it seems to be offensive saying....I can't accept from these gals. Any ideas of best approach? Guys and gals opinions on this appreciated. Ty!!!
Let the guys know you can only accept references from providers who have an internet presence.
For example a website,reviews,ads,etc.
If they cannot accept that or provide you with other more recent references let them know for your safety you will not be able to see him without the proper info being provided.
I am sure there will always be the few people who will get an attitude but better safe than sorry.
Also a suggestion maybe asking this question on the po board.
-- Modified on 9/2/2013 10:38:53 PM
Your safety is the most important thing there is never comprise that at all. I would offer him suggestions like for example go sign up for P411 or Date Check. I would also refer him to a newbie friendly girl to screen him. If his refs are out dated. This happens from time to time.
The general rule of thumb is refs are only good for 6 months.
they are worthless. I have seen other posts regarding references with similar problems, so you are far from alone in dealing with this problem. As you mentioned, there are many reasons why you might not accept them. As previous posters said, tell him the truth as nicely as you can. If he is not understanding, and unwilling to provide better references, you probably don't want to see him anyway.
Swim
Thank you for your input..... I didn't know references were generally on a 6month timeline! Makes sense. I was starting to think maybe just me being too much the nervous nellie. I am grateful for male and female feedback because I was curious how both would handle situation.
that not ALL references "expire" in six months, unless you simply refuse to accept them.
for instance, I have a couple of references - one a provider, one an agency owner; both well known and highly respected - who will vouch for my character. I haven't "seen" either of them in years, but I also have not turned into a scumbag since then.
Two different thought come to mind. If the guy is an experienced hobbyist, he will not only understand, he will stop using those gals as references and pick others that he has seen, so just be honest.
If it's more of a newby, you might want to take a LITTLE extra time to explain why he's not passing the test, he will be grateful in the future and eveyone wins.
I don't know who decided that after 6 months reviews are no good for the reviewer, I call BULL$HIT. If a guy has lots of reviews and whitelist referrals, give him a break he was probably in a "civvie" relationship or just taking a break from the hobby. That's one of the reasons it's called a hobby.
I know, I know, everyone has to be careful, but to arbitrarily pick 6 months is a little strict.
However, I'd say that 6 months is a safe bet on the life expectancy of one, unless the client is a close friend of the provider. From what I have read, many providers will not accept a ref that is over 6 months old. It's up to the guy to contact the ref provider to let her know he used her as a ref.
Swim
and I'd expect they are not the sole screening. Unverifiable references, might be worth something IF he reviewed them. Maybe not at full value...
But you'd be within your rights to ask for different screening information. For instance, there are Retired & Self employed who can not provide a work reference... as I am in this category... for my first meeting the lady required a landline number... not to call but I assume to do a reverse look up on.
Every provider has their own system & an open forum is not the place to discuss certain things... but if a prospective client is unable to provide certain information, many ladies offer alternate screening.
I think you gently mention you can not verify the information the prospect offered & request something alternate. That puts the burden back on him... or he can walk...
I say something generally along the lines of
Thank you for providing your references, however I do need at least 2 references with a website and reviews whom you have seen recently. I appreciate it!
Just, short and to the point, listing what I need already answers why I could not accept the ones he gave me. Most guys come back to me with acceptable references after this. For those who aren't able to, I ask them to keep me in mind for when they are able to provide them...many times they do just that.
Its super rare anyone gets upset with me over this...the few who do, like someone mentioned before, pretty much screen themselves out of being able to see me at all. We all have the right to do whatever makes us feel comfy, and if a guy cant respect that or gets offended by me doing what I feel I need to do to be comfortable meeting with him, then we are not suited to meet at all.
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