I'm a newbie. I haven't been doing this that long, and I've only been with two providers ever. So I think that makes me a newbie. The Newbie board has pretty much been the board I can count on for kind and civil responses, so thanks to the Swim and everyone else who posts here. This is also why I'm posting this here.
Here's my predicament, if you want to call it that. I love it that providers are out there and available and I am thankful to them and for them for the services they offer. I've pretty much officially given up on the whole conventional dating that could possibly lead to a long term relationship and possibly more thing. For a lot of reasons, I've discovered the truth that I'm just not compatible for this lifestyle. Please do not tell me that I'm being too hard on myself. If you knew me well enough, you would agree with me.
But once in a while, I meet a woman at work or somewhere else, and I become really attracted to her and I start to wonder just what if it could work out. I then start to have fantasies of taking vacations to Maine and hiking together and staying in bed and breakfasts together and all that sweet, romantic stuff. But then reality slaps the shit out of me and I remember that this just isn't me.
Besides, even if I did meet a woman who I fell in love with, I feel I'd have to be honest about my time with providers and that would probably be a deal killer.
Would anyone like to share their perspective on this? Any advice on how to break this thought cycle? Words of wisdom? Perhaps at one time, you have thought similarly? Thanks in advance.
...used to be a moderator, The Love Goddess, a trained therapist, who gave advice. Now advice is given by other hobbyists and providers, but that's a better forum to ask your question.
Also, you can search previous threads there. Perhaps this subject has been discussed before.
The guy is amazing... treats you like a goddess. He's incredibly handsome.... no wedding ring... never mentions an SO...
You tell yourself not to hope and it's just business... but god, it's so easy to imagine being happy with this guy.
Your chemistry is amazing. Sex is off the charts... He says it, too. He sends you flirtatious messages between sessions.
You keep telling yourself a guy like this has to be married... no way he's not taken.... but some little voice says, "What if he's not?"
Finally, during pillow talk, you ask, "Anything else about yourself you feel comfortable sharing?"
"Well, I'm married." Oh, yes, of course you are... I knew that all along...
Fantasies are often shattered by the sledge hammer of reality. Finding real, lasting love is like trying to build a fire in a snow storm. You ought to pursue these girls so you can get to know them and find out you don't even like them! You can only maintain ideals in your mind when there is no real evidence to contradict them. Allow yourself to gather that evidence. Find out if it's real. Maybe a trip to Maine with one of these girls you are infatuated with would actually be a miserable experience. You won't know until you get to know them well enough to know better.
But could I give my heart and soul to a guy who had seen escorts before he met me? Yes. Don't think it's a deal breaker. It's not really that different than a guy has a "harem" of girls he is seeing for casual sex. He has the many because he hasn't yet found the one. We all know that and don't expect our dream guy to stay a virgin all his life.
It's about getting caught up in the fantasy of the hope of love... we can have that happen, too!
Hooker or a wife...? Why not both...seems this works best, seriously!
Why would you feel compelled to disclose something about you that invokes negative feelings in someone else yet serves no purpose except to clear your own conscience?
Please, never tempt women like that...bad idea
First, don't foreclose the possibility of finding someone for a long-term relationsip. Just don't go looking. When you're not looking for someone, things tend to find you. Some women find a guy to seems unavailable very attractive.
Second, if you still have dreams of a LTR, you are at risk of blurring the boundaries here and end up in the syndrome of "I've fallen for a provider and I can't get up." Tread carefully. I have fallen seriously "in like" with several great women but have so far managed to not go further than that.
I am 45 years old . I started my career I presently have today at age 19 . It has been a non stop world travel . 3 months in Korea , home for a week , 4 months in Mexico then straight to Italy . NON FUCKING STOP for , what 26 god damn years !!!
Don't get me wrong , I have seen and experienced things that are good , bad and ugly and had some GREAT times !!!!!
With that said , I found out pretty early that this travelling and my career is not fair , or maybe even possible to " date " . Its not fair to me or her . I HAD an occasional one night stand when I was younger in many countries but as I got older I even pretty much stopped that .
I have NEVER had a girlfriend ! NEVER ONCE ........Not even in high school . Not in college .
I struggled for many years with societies " norm ". Always looked at couples and wondered what the fuck is wrong with me .
Then in a short one year period , around age 40 I think , I looked at it differently .
This is where I MIGHT be able to help ..........
Was I happy being single - HELL FUCKIN' YEAH !!! No drama , dio what I want and how I want . Honestly , I am happy as hell . Plenty of money , retirement , pension , and can retire right now at age 45 if I want . I see friends with the typical marriage/relationship , children issues, and say " Glad I don't have that shit to deal with ! " MOST IMPORTANT is to really be TOTALLY honest and determine if you are indeed happy. I thought that I had to have a woman like everybody else , but when I just stopped and let that go , I realized I am just a little different , BUT 100% HAPPY AS HELL in my life . The years I had struggled mentally with the " norm" and the " poor , pitiful me " crap were wasted years .
When I meet a little hottie in the " civie" scene that I " click " with , I have fun in the moment as I already have turned the mental corner and am certain that I am a lifelong bachelor , set in his ways and if I were to pursue the lady I would be miserable and she would just bring a bunch of shit into my life that would piss me off . My non chalant approach when dealing with these FINE chicks just piss's them off . EVERY other guy is bending over backwards to get in her panties and I simply could care less either way . They may see it as confidence , but I don't know or care . Part of turning the mental corner I guess.
Another similarity we share is struggling with this lifestyle . My first few providers were HOT , SEXY and well reviewed , but they were just straight up mentally fucked up , unintelligent WHORES when all was said and done . So I thought maybe this is not for me ..........I since have found about 3 that are pretty cool , not on drugs , and can hold a intelligent conversation and enjoy some goofy fun ! Also what I changed was comming into town and just having a one or two hour romp with them . NOW what I do is head to my little secret Bahamas island for a few days alone and then fly them over with a return ticket that either one of us can pull the trigger on . It has made a world of difference in this " lifestyle " that I stumbled onto . I enjoy just a few days of seeing them in a TINY little bikini on a georgeous , deserted island and having some great beach sex , AND THEN , when either one of us is getting a little bored , we part ways . It lets us both not have to watch the clock and just be ourselves , made a world of difference for me .
Would i indulge to a " civie girl " about this thing - FUCK yeah I would , and have. If she has a problem with it - see 'ya !!! I f she, or even a firend ( yes , I have some friends that I have told and know ) have a problem and judge you for it .............Then they are not a true friend and it helps me weed out those people and put them further down in the pecking order of life . Pretty cool when I can tell a retired couple in thier 70's about this and they never even batted an eye and it made me realise they accept me for who I am and don't judge me - a true friend in my eye's .
HOPE I helped 'ya man ...........
As always, thanks for the responses. Guybeingaguy, your post was especially helpful. Although I probably don't have the high paying job that you have, I really can relate to the whole feeling of "what's wrong with me. I'm outside the norm. Why don't I date?"
There are a few things I want to say:
-Although I occasionally am attracted to a civie girl and have my naive fantasy from time to time, I hate the conventional dating game with a passion and have lost all desire to participate in it. Hey, if that's what people want to do, that's cool, but I have no desire to participate in it. I would say the same about marriage.
-Once again, I want to express my thanks to the plenty of providers out there who are beautiful, friendly, kind, honest and who deliver a hell of a service. Although I'm still a newbie, I know there are plenty of you out there. I thank you for making your services available and have taken away my desire and need to participate in the all too frustrating and disappointing conventional dating game. If I still had to participate in that, I'd be one miserable son-of-a-bitch. The providing profession has brought contentment to my single and non-dating lifestyle.
-Some of you might be tempted to think I'm some ugly nerd who lives in my mom's basement because I haven't been much of a dater. I assure you that I live on my own and make a decent living. I'm not trying to brag, but honestly, when many women meet me, they can't believe that I'm not married or don't have a girlfriend. Well, the truth of the matter is that the dating game, at least for much of it, requires one to basically be a phony and always have their best foot forward. Frankly, I've never been good at that, and although I'm not bad looking, there are characteristics about me that are a turn off to women in the civy world. That's why I love spending time with providers. I can be myself with them, for the most part at least, and I don't have to worry about them not seeing me again, because basically as long as there is money in the envelope, they'll see me as many times as I want. And let's face it, in the civy world, what women will be with you if you have no money? So, I'm really not seeing much of a difference.
-To those of you who are cautioning me about falling for a provider, I appreciate your concern, but rest assured that I am to clearly see the boundaries of the hobbyist-provider relationship, and have no temptation to make it more than it is, which is strictly a business relationship.
-I agree that the civy world looks down on both us hobbyists and providers without knowing much about this business, which is a shame, but it's not surprising. Then again, they don't know what's their missing.
All you'll see is her back, walking away. The general population does not understand nor want to understand the hobby. And many of us do indeed care for the lades we see. If you had posted here when you began the hobby, I would have told you that this is a secret world 007. You never tell your Buddy, your best friend, your brother, your GF or certainly notthe girl you are aboutto marry. Any one of the first group may someday betray your trust... causing you irreparable harm. Picture your drunk buddy standing up at your wedding to toast "The Woman who took Joe away from the Hookers!" (Shock value intentional)
With civie GFs... you can tell them you've had GFs before. But YOU NEVER tell them HOW LONG they were your Girl Friends for. You can say they were brief romances but didn't work out. A white lie but there are just some things you take with you to the grave & this is one of them.
If you have decided that you are not compatable with this life style, fine. There are actually many variations within this life. Some see the same lady, some a small number of favorites, others a new girl every time... Some do this every week, some only on vacations or business trips. But if this is not for you, then no harm, no foul. And you have learned something about yourself. If you want to walk away. Delete your account here, your hobby email, disguard your hobby phone & you are gone. Go to your doctor, get yourself tested for any STDs & never look back. I still recommend keeping your activities to yourself. If it ever comes up, you can truthfully say "I could never do that"
Even before the hobby... as a young man... I had several intimate partners. NO, I do not share that information with a SO. Nor do I ask her about her previous BFs, lovers, or SO.
If you want to commit romantic suicide, be my guest.
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DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell her! I provide for a living and date civies. I never tell them what my job is. MOST civies don't respect guys who see providers, it's like telling her you're into scat! Best wishes.