Long story short, checked the reference of a gentleman, was a big hassle because he didn't give me the correct handle that the provider knew him under. When he finally coughs of the right name, the provider(well reviewed and well known) remembers him vividly.. as a guy who shorted her $100 and when she brought his attention to it promised to make it up to her and never did. She (obviously) would not see him again or recommend him.

Common sense tells me to turn him down. I want to be nice about it as I don't want to cause her any trouble and I don't want him to be too upset. I'm not fond of hurting feelings, and I'm not used to this because most gentlemen have awesome references.

What possible way can I word this, sound professional and not hurt anyone's feeling AND not causing the other provider any issues?

...which is an admission that he shorted the other provider.  By asking her about him, you gave her a heads-up.  Don't waste another minute thinking about that loser.

what the other provider told you.I would just say "Sorry,our schedules are not meshing and I will not be able to see you at the time/day you are requesting."If he asks for a different day or time just let him know something came up and you will have no availability during that time he is requesting.
That's simple enough his feelings are not hurt and you are not feeling uncomfortable.

This guy is a bad apple, and nothing good can come of any further correspondence.

Just set your phone and email to delete any incoming communications and totally ignore.

He'll get the message.

Just teasing, jaydalee, but in all seriousness, why tell the white lie that it has to do with scheduling? I am a guy, and I know. As long as you leave any window open, even a slight crack, he may very well continue to pursue her.

How about this: "I'm sorry but after careful review I do not believe we are a good match, and I will not be able to see you". Ignore any further attempts to connect by him.


him: "So, what are the chances that you and I will get together? Like, one in a hundred?"

her: "Eh, more like one in a million!"

him: "Yeah, I get ya! You're saying there's a chance!!!"

want to have a special folder for his communications (which you will ignore) if he decides to become stalkerish (is that a word?).

See how he handles it, and see what HIS side of it is.

I have done the same thing when contacting providers who have one or two bad reviews and have asked direct questions.  The ones that will answer directly and who can assure me it was an exception usually turn out to be great.

I can't imagine that any further conversation will go well.  Wouldn't you just ignore / block a request from someone who did not pass screening?     He knows he's not going to get a referance...  and he didn't have any others?  

I was just reading a thread where a very stupid guy was suggesting paying with counterfit bills.  http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewall.asp?MessageID=16955&boardID=50&page=1#16955   Robbing someone has consequences.  No matter how the theft is carried out...    

Want to say something?  How about "I could not verify your information.  Sorry, I won't be able to see you."  "No, it's not going to change.  That's what screening is for."

again, if he doesn't get an answer, he may be the type to continue to pursue vigorously, maybe post nasty comments about the "bitch who doesn't return calls" and so on...

I realize that he might do the very same thing if she says "no", so I certainly don't know for sure which way is best, I just know that personally I would respond better to a "no" answer, than to no answer at all.

"No thanks hun. Screening is there for a reason and between the incorrect handle and the negative review by the lady you saw previously I don't think we are a good fit."

No matter what you do it is a rejection. No matter what you tell him if you leave the door open it will try to come in. The above is honest, doesn't leave him with questions about what the problem was, but is not rude. Just decisive. That is the sort of answer I would want to get. If you gave me a white lie I would still know it for the rejection it was and would then be wanting to know why I was rejected incase it was a mistake. Silence is just rude.

He did mention he had other ones. And I do remember him sending me emails under his other handle.

Take note of his writing style. You'll notice particular phrasing/idioms/punctuation that will tip you off that it's him. I've caught a guy doing this before simply because of the way he types.

As for your original question, you don't need to worry about being polite to a guy who is obviously bad news. If you're more comfortable ignoring him completely, do that. If you'd rather tell him straight up that his references didn't check out, then do that. The only thing I'd advise against is the "white lie" route. If you tell him that your schedules don't mesh or whatever, he's just going to keep trying to circumnavigate that issue and it'll only serve to give you a headache.

Take my advice for what it's worth as I'm a newbie as well, but as a rule don't do anything that's going to make you uncomfortable.

Say that an issue came up during screening.

But you should hear his side.

Regardless, it is a red flag if he stiffed a girl and still counts her as a reference.

She needs to hear both sides.

If she isn't, then she should take your advice.

But as a rule I don't take one person's word over another.

Now, if he has 1 reference who says he is a bad guy, and two others who say he's great, I'm going to take that all into consideration, because, yes, not all ladies are trustworthy. But just ONE reference that is bad...why take the risk, when there are so many nice guys out there? ( I ask for more than one reference if I am not sure about the client)

And I agree that to tell a client he was given a bad reference could potentially be dangerous for the other girl. Not only that - sometimes I'll give a girl a heads-up on a small issue like hygiene or disrespect for time/privacy. That's a courtesy I extend to other ladies and appreciate receiving from them in turn. If we didn't keep that type of feedback confidential, nobody would do it.

He's still going to have to give you references.

why would he have tried to use one he had stiffed?  I call BS.  He would have just used the other referances & left out the bad one.  They are unknowns or other problems.  

Do NOT throw the other provider under the bus.  You were unable to screen him.

NEVER EVER EVER, throw your referencing provider under the bus.  

This will only cause trouble for the lady who saved your ass and will tip the thief off to change his name, hobby ID and just start over under a new hobby ID!  This would defeat the whole purpose and intent of the referencing system.  

In addition, if you throw your referencing provider under the bus, the word will get around and no ladies will want to give you a reference.

Do Not Listen to the Men on this one.  DO NOT EVER THROW YOUR Referencing Provider under the bus!

I have had some great references that have turned me off seeing guys and my way of dealing with that is, I could not get hold of the references and that time frame is unavailable. If more emails come in...delete.

I made the mistake of telling a hobbyist who tried to see me the truth...not from a reference but just why I would not see him as he asked why I refused and it was one of the worst shit storms I have ever encountered. The guy turned out to be extremely verbally abusive so I know I dodged a grenade. Sometimes they can't handle the truth and to ignore works way better.

-- Modified on 1/30/2013 2:03:00 PM

-- Modified on 1/30/2013 3:45:53 PM

I don't take anyone's word over another.  Why should I?  Just because a client tells me a provider is this way doesn't means she is.

I look at both sides and then make my decision.  If a red flag comes up, it doesn't mean that the person who told me the issue is correct in his/her point of view.

In the past, sometimes the one telling me upfront about a problem is just trying to preempt the truth.

And listen to her reaction on that one.  If it's a matter of $100 difference and she won't see him again anyway, I would imagine she wouldn't have any issue with you pointing that it came up in screening.

In fact, I would be surprised if:

1.  Referring provider still wanted to see him after being stiffed.

2.  If the $100 wasn't that big a deal, it wouldn't be brought up.

3.  If referring provider values the client otherwise, then she would solve the matter between the client and herself.

It just sounds not credible IN THIS INSTANCE why telling the client that he stiffed another provider $100 is such a big deal.

"No, you don't meet my standards."

In the case of the stiffed $100, I *might* be fine with the client knowing what I said, depending on how reasonable a person he is. But I'd really be upset if the client denied it, and then I got pulled into a he-said, she-said argument with him and another girl. Nothing would be proven, it would just create a lot of drama. My attitude would be - "I gave you my reference, take it into consideration and use your best judgment. I told you what he did to me, but if you think you'll be fine, then see him. "

Come on...are you really gonna go there?

The purpose is to see whether the client is worth seeing or not.  Simple.  It's not a matter of anything else.  A reference gave a red flag and a qualification.  It was over a $100 that he stiffed her.  That's HER allegation.  That doesn't mean that it happened the way she said it did.  And yet that's the sticking point behind the guy not getting a clean referral.

You would think that if a guy used her as a reference, he didn't think there was an issue.  Because no guy is gonna stiff a girl $100 and expect a good referral.

You aren't interested in finding out the truth.  That's fine.  That much is clear.  In your mind, the word of a provider is more trustworthy than the word of a client.

I do see the situation from a lady's perspective.  I get it.  But let's not confuse your perspective with wanting to find out the truth.  And if you don't need the truth to make a decision, so be it.  That's perfectly fine, too.

but it would be short and sweet. "Fk off idiot."