From my old acquaintance, the late Rodney Dangerfield...
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My wife said she wanted to try sex in the back seat, only she wanted me to drive.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone
