So, I've confirmed today what I've suspected for the last year.  

My wife is cheating on me.  

I haven't confronted her yet about it.  Just need to clear my head first and think fairly.  I mean after all, who am I to judge?

I've been hobbying since before I met her, and to my knowledge, have successfully managed to hide my extracurricular life from her.  

I think I'm a good husband, and a better father.  But one thing I know I have NOT been, is faithful.

I could almost write off my hobby life as acceptable since there were no emotions involved, but I can't even say that's entirely true since, in addition to my hobby, I've had three affairs since we were married.  One of which is still going on.  

I swore off the hobby when we got married.  That lasted about a year.

A few years later I had an intense 6 month affair with a woman I met in Starbucks of all places.  Eventually we both mutually called it off since we felt we couldn't hide it from our significant others any longer (she was engaged).  Of all my involvements, I still think of her the most.

A few years after that, I had an affair with a young colleague who had a crush on me and I ran with it, allowing my ego to be inflated.  She was much younger and that got complicated quickly, lasting less than a year.  We worked together and she had a jealous boyfriend who was getting suspicious.  She ended up calling it off, but I was headed in that same direction anyway.

Then the wife and I had kids and once again I swore fidelity to myself.  

That lasted a couple of years until a long time friend with whom I'd always had an attraction to suddenly and unexpectedly erupted into more than a friendship.  That's been going on now for almost two years.  We're both married with children, and run in the same circles.  It's dangerous, we know that, especially when we all get together as couples.  

My point is this, I've led a duplicitous lifestyle, since before I even met my wife.  I love her, that's never been a question for me.  I've convinced myself that my behavior does no harm to her as long as I kept it separate and didn't allow it to affect our family.  

But now I find myself on the other side of the coin.  Knowing how unfaithful I've been for years, why does this bother me so much?

Does she suspect or know something?
Did I unwittingly drive her to another man?
Should I confront her?  Would that just open a can of worms, I'm not prepared for?  She might end up confronting me, in which case I have no real defense.

I'm a hypocrite.  I know that.
Maybe I should just leave well enough alone and pretend to be ignorant.  

Anyway, I figure if anyone knows what it's like to live a double life, it's you guys.  Can't really talk to my closest friends about this since many of them would disown me.  

Still not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm curious if anyone else has any thoughts or as been in a similar conundrum.  

So clearly let me start off by saying I am not a man... Yes, I am a provider. But before my "provider life" I was married and it did end because of cheating. I think you simply need to ask yourself one question..... If you confront your wife, are you willing to give up all of your indiscretions? You should be completely willing to give up never having an affair with a coworker, old flame, some hottie at a bar or restaurant that you walk into or any other women that you may meet in your civilian life. Are you also willing to give up the hobby? Delete your profile from all sites you are on and never look back?

Ask yourself some very deep questions before you make some life altering moves.....

 
Good Luck

hi  
Same story here, married with kids for over 10years.
I keep it separate, no feelings.
Had / Have a side thing with another married lady,...
I don't know if my wife is cheating on me, I doubt it.
But I don't think I could get upset at her, for doing it.

Do you know who she is cheating with?
How do you know for a fact?
What could the other guy do, that you're not? if you're still in love with her, try to win her back.

Regardless of my status as a provider, I really do feel for you mate... I've been there. And I agree with what others have said.  

People tend to go from 0 to 100 when they find out news like this. It's easier said than done but do not start something until you're ready to really talk. The kind of talk that's going to hurt to get through with your partner. And one where you may have to also lay all your indiscretions bare.  

In the meantime, I think the first thing you really need to ask yourself is, "What about her infidelity make you so damn mad?" Like really sit with that. Go to your man cave, go for a drive, get out and figure out where this anger is coming from.  

Is it the physical act of her having sex with someone else? For some that makes no difference. Is it because it's potentially not just a physical affair but also an emotional one? No  matter what, all are equally painful but one may cut more deep than the other for you. Is it that you've been lied to? Could it be that she's not satisfied and it shakes up your confidence? Do you feel responsible?

These are all questions you need to sit down and think about and it will take a few days. Though once you know, it will make it easier to hold your own in the conversation without emotions becoming unchecked.

Maybe it is time to have an honest discussion with her about BOTH your mistakes. You can either be done with this life and win her back or see if BOTH of you can have an open marriage.

Maybe she has known all along and decided if you do it, she can too....?

Sit down and think of what you want. Are you happy as the way you have lived your life? Married with Hobbying/Affairs? I would never say there is anything wrong with Hobbying as it is not a relationship. You sound like you had relationships. Which is only your (and wife's) business.

If you can't be honest with her, then take the time to win her back and learn to forgive her. Don't ever think women don't "know". Simple differences in the way you behave, it sends a flag up to us.  

I know things are never easy. You can love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them, but still have things missing from your life. If I was you, I would decide what you want first. Does she even know you know?

If I was a guy who couldn't give up Hobbying, I would speak honestly with my wife and see where we go from there. That's me. I think most guys would some how ruin it and be angry even though they do the same thing to her. I'd tell her how I feel and say that she can do whatever I do. It is only fair, right?

You got to keep promises, so if you decide to let the Hobby go and the affairs, then stick to it. Find out what both of you are missing and work on it or let it go if it is not working.

Nothing wrong with an open marriage if both parties are aware and ok with it.

My honest opinion... and you are all can hate me after that... Good for her!

It's not hypocrisy. I am not a fan of the deep-introspection cult, at least not in this context. Darwinism's two principles: 1. Men like to mate as often and with as many women as possible to spread their seed; 2. Men don't like it when their women mate with others, because it calls into question the paternity of the children she gives birth to.

She's also a provider.  That would be a delicious little twist, yea?  

Do you mean to suggest that mr_puzzled should have their children undergo a paternity test right now?
Doesn't seem necessary. After all, his wife just started cheating, relatively speaking, but who knows...
But anyway, having to undergo DNA texts might cool anyone's amorous instincts.

Two books that might help you and your wife discuss this and move forward:

"The Ethical Slut" (amazing chapter on Jealousy alone is worth the purchase)
&
"Opening Up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships"

Good luck!

END OF MESSAGE

Any person who does not tell the entire truth to their significant other about their affairs or hobbying has a real emotional issue. And that you make choices to spend money on such efforts instead of your family, means you're willingly making a choice to fulfill your own desires before their needs, is simply being selfish. You're attempting to minimize the effect that your cheating has had on your relationships with your wife and children. It certainly isn't as good as it could be. The fact that you're pissed off at your wife for having an affair is the trifecta of your megalomania. And just because you admit that you're a hypocrite doesn't give you a pass on how dysfunctional you are.

You are not seeing the forest through the trees so start seeing an analyst instead. If you're really interested in righting the ship, come clean about your behavior.

I will say one thing. You have actually started the process by admitting your behavior here. I congratulate you for that. Now it's time to do that with your wife. If you think your marriage is worth saving, work with her. But even if you don't think it's worth saving, get some help. Although you don't have to admit your behavior to them, they will forever be grateful that you sought out some help.  

I struggle with the morals of what I do every time I see a provider.  I also love my wife and family and would never give them up.   If I ever found out my wife was cheating it would explain so much as to why our own sex life is so sparse.  If it wasnt sparse I most likely would not be on here doing what I do.  Could I live with it?  Maybe for the sake of the family unit, kids and comfort, but I sure would be resentful that I've had to sneak all these years just to get my rocks off once in a while.  

“Anna Karenina”

Stiva, Anna's brother’s, unfaithfulness with the family’s governess

Anna’s unfaithfulness with Vronsky ... at first her husband, Karenin, is outraged ... then he tries to forgive her ... but his anger gets the best of him

I haven't posted here in a LOOOOONG time. I've lurked, but haven't posted.  Why?  For years I was very open (at least on TER) about my hobbying.  I have been sub rosa now for a while.

Reading this post really struck a nerve with me.

Other than the fact that I do not know if my wife is or is not cheating on me, I could have written much the same thing.

I feel for you brother.  I do.