It was self service!!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag..............  He felt up my wife!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.................  Last night she used me to time an egg!!

A hooker once told me she had a headache!!!

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I came from a poor family.  Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.