I am really in love with this girl and I want to marry her but I want to come clean, honest, and truthful. I want to tell her that:

"I like to have sex with many very beautiful women and I have been having sex with many very beauituf women through this hobby while we are dating. Remember those times when you said no and I was happy that you said no. Well now you know!. I will continue this hobby even after we are merry and have kids. I only do it just simply for the phyiscal pleasure nothing more. I will only love one girl for rest of my life-YOU. If you something is wrong with your heart and you need a heart transplant and my heart will fit and work--TAKE MY HEART. I rather live in you and without you"

Should I?

I am married and have the same thoughts......the other seldom does tho !   I do not feel we (others like myself), were meant to be "married" and think I am at least a couple of generations ahead of my time as things evolve with the human race......

IMHO, you feel guilty so therefore you feel you need to tell her.  The chances are between slim and none that she will understand and permit your hobby.  Even if she does, it will be reluctantly and will erode the relationship over time.  Just as much as it is a man's nature to do what we gotta do, its woman's nature to be monogamous and possessive.  I go by the policy of don't ask and don't tell.  Everyone is happy.

Rent the movie FRIEDA and watch it together and then have a discussion afterwards. Frieda marrys a guy knowing that he will fool around and only became pissed off when she discovered that he was doing her sister. Course Frieda was bi-sexual and not your everyday girl. Talk about three ways etc. with out commiting yourself as to your feelings. Oh! And ask yourself how you'd feel if your girlfriend was doing other guys as that might be your answer right there. What is good for the goose is generally good for the gander!

I think the three previous comments pretty much sum it up.  It is a dilemma you right, however I think most woman wouldn't go along with letting you have it both ways.   I know if mine found out it would be the highway for me. I would say play the middle.

-- Modified on 10/5/2005 11:32:23 AM

With all due respect, anyone who tells their wife or someone they love about this is self-centered and callous.  (I too am married).  Any guilt someone carries (which is natural) engaging in this hobby is their own problem.

If you don't want the guilt, get out of the hobby.  The point of engaging in this hobby (at least for me) is the ability to engage in a variety of women without any entanglements whatsoever, and recapture some of the fun that years of marriage naturally erodes.

All of these comments discuss the point of view of the hobbyist.  What about her feelings?  You will crush someone you love, make her feel unworthy, hurt her self image, and make her unsure of her desirability and sexual ability.  

If someone feels the irresistible urge to be honest, even though you will hurt someone else terribly, I suggest the following:

1. Look in the mirror;
2. Tell you self your cheating, (and that what it is); and,
3. Hit yourself in the forehead with a hammer.

Whatever moral relativism we tell ourselves, married men who engage in this hobby are not exactly acting as a pillar of the community.  But that our problem not our spouses.  One must accept his own failings.

Niceguy34

P.S.  This is not directed to MPR-man or anyone else personally.  It is never wrong to discuss these issues.  It the are just IMHO.

I'll give you a couple of examples...
Even in my prior marriage (as open as one may think in my profession), hubby still got jealous of my time w/ others out of hobby.  Also, even though we are so astranged (had to work that word in) he does show his quirks concerning other gentleman in smooth comments.  It may be a mistake that will never be forgotten!  Live with your guilt!

Most likely, you will crush her emotionally, and you will lose her. Most self-respecting women would not accept their husbands cheating. Some do accept open marriages, but then you have to accept the possibility of her rolling around in bed with a young, hung stud who can go all night without needing Viagra. Unfortunately, this hobby is not without costs. Good luck; I hope that it works out for you.

This may sound funny, how about tring to give up the hobby. I am thinking of it myself. Over the last 15 years I have been choosing what stocks my reletives should buy.  IF I  had bought the same stocks that I am telling them to buy with my hobby spending, I would now be a very rich man.

I think you should have this discussion with the woman you are in love with.  If she is willing to accept that you will continue to engage in the hobby then well I hope the two of you can make it work but I suspect the odds are against you.  If not then it comes down to what's more important to you; being with the woman you love or having sex with lots of women.  I've really enjoyed having sex with a number of beautiful and sexy women since I started hobbying but I know inside I would rather be in a relationship with a woman whom I wanted to be with for more than her appearance and ability to make me feel good in bed and who was in bed with me because that is where her heart led her to be.

Bottom line is don't deceive her.  It may be painful to be honest now but it will be even more so later.  Doesn't she deserve to know the truth about what she might be getting into?  Furthermore, aren't you assuming she doesn't know or suspect already, even if she hasn't said anything?  You LOVE HER then do what is best for her and I don't think that involves trying to marry her while still secretly having sex with other women.  This may involce real sacrifice on your part but that is part of being a man; being willing to make sacrifices to avoid hurting those whom you care about.

I have to chime in on this one.

My advice is to tell her.  That way she knows what she is getting herself into, and can get out of the relationship if she wants to.  I agree with the person who said this is a selfish act, because it really is.  

I know this is going to sound -whatever- coming from a former escort who has seen her share of married men, but it is not fair to the wife for her husband to be dishonest by seeing escorts behind her back.  If one is going to see escorts, and is married, he should tell his wife.  If she leaves you, that is what you have to expect.  It is very selfish to think that you can have the best of both worlds by being dishonest.  What if it were reversed?  Would you accept her having sex with another man behind your back?  Most married men I have asked this question to wouldn't.  I don't think anywhere in the wedding vows does it say that it is ok to cheat on your partner as long as they don't know about it.  

Honestly, I think monogamy is best, but if that isn't for you, then you should be honest to your partner about how you think.  If they accept that, great, if not, either you have to change or let them move on.  Being dishonest is not right and it is not healthy for your relationship.

In my mind, I did not cheat on her. I hired a provider to do a job for me, nothing more, no feelings, no careing. If I dream having sex with another woman, do I cheat on her?--NO. This hobby is the same. Honestly, I rather have her have sex with another man purely for physical for something that I cannot provide than having feelings for someone, man or woman, and no sex ever.

I wish all women understand that it is embeded in men's genes to want to have sex with many women since the beginning of times.

PROVIDERS:  Do you tell your boyfriend or husband that you are a provider? How do feel if your boyfriend or husband wants to get into this hobby?

either get out or lie unless you want her to leave

Morgan is right.

If she does not know what you are doing, or she does not approve of what you are doing, and you do it, it IS cheating.  No matter how *anyone* tries to justify seeing an escort.  The fact is, not all women understand that *some* men want to have sex with many women.  Heck, I don't even understand it and I have been in the business of servicing these men.  Thankfully, not all men are this way.  I wish that all men understood why it is important to women that you be faithful to us when we are in a relationsip, in all accounts.

To answer your provider questions: Yes, my boyfriend did know I was a provider.  I guess I am lucky that he understood it was a job and nothing else to me.  At times he did get jealous and I learned that I shouldn't share all the details with him about my dates.  How would I feel if he wanted to be in this hobby, (or lay with any other woman for that matter)?  I would not tolerate that one bit, I would leave.  Call it a double standard, I guess it is. To me though, there was no emotional attachment with my clients, (even though I have made many good friends).  He knew where to go to get his sex, that was with me.  My boyfriend was not a very sexual person anyways, so I guess that helped with us.  I am sure not every situation is going to be the same as mine, maybe I am lucky, in a way, of how mine is.

MPR Man,

After reading all the responses, the best advice comes from
"niceguy34" and the worst advice comes from "Morgan."
My 2 cents. Good luck.

I think this pretty good advice, right on the mark.

There is a persistent snafu though: the risk of STDs.

One can work through the ethical hurdles regarding emotions, but fairly despicable on the chart is person who doesn't take the appropriate precautions to reduce the potential for either contracting or spreading an STD.  Certain STDs, name HPV (genital warts) can be spread from areas not addressed by a condom, and certain Herpes can be spread from oral contact. The unsuspecting spouse might escape emotional hardship by keeping the liasons secret, but may be subject to the physical risk.

Translation: keep it a secret, wear a condom. OR
get it off you chest and be prepared to ruin her life unless you are fabulously wealthy, or have an extremely horny wife, one in the business, or a sexless marriage driven centered around the myth that you stay together for the kids.

Most providers wouldn't tolerate their guy fooling around consistently, so what makes a guy think his housewife would? Especially considering the almost worldwide puritanical double standard held toward providers.

Just so you know, I don't mind you saying I have the worst advice, we are all entitled to our opinions.  I am curious to your opinion of such a statement.

This isn't something you did (past tence). Then you might be right to keep it a secret. This is something you are planning to do in the future, after the marriage.  She has a right to make the choice on what she is getting into.  What if she was planning to have a sex change after you got married, but didn't want to tell you in case you called off the wedding?

Morgan Glad to see your using your Real handle and not your alias's.

"Godfather

You don't know me as well as you think you do, nor do the rest of you who think I am all these aliases.  I have to laugh every time that I read your guys' posts that, in a round about way without saying my name, insinuate it is me.  If you are going to accuse, be a man and say it. You obviously have too much time on your hands and are paranoid. *LOL*  Why you all feel threatened by me, I'll never know, nor do I want to know. A Godfather you are not.

See?  I don't need an alias to say what's on my mind!

I think you should give it a try and be fathful stop the hobbie and I would not say anything to her . The point of doing this is to fufill needs / desires that are not other wise fufilled mabie she will fufill all those and more I was fathful to my wife for 7 years in a almost sexless marrage b4 I entered the hobby and we had many fights about sex. It has helped alot with that but I dont belive I would have ever started if she had been more open minded and willing and if she changed that about herself I would stop in a moment. Good luck !

Morgan,  If you like I would be more than able to share your alias's.  

Don't flatter yourself and think I of all people are paranoid of you!  MOst people respect my posts and what I have to say, which is a far cry from you and your posts.  Most people avoid you like the plague sionce you try to Control them and bully them into doing your bidding!

Most people know her for the fine lady that she is and respect her views and admire her for expressing them.  Only a few seem to threatened and look for negatives in everything she is saying.

FYI, Mo didn't force me to say this.