RULES

The Rules....this time by Men.  We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now  here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered  "1"  ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big  girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you  need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you.  Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on  this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops.  What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing  which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  If you don't "feel like it" look for another partner because I DO feel like it.  Sex is a natural part of marriage.  Two weeks is too long.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is  inadmissible in an argument. In fact,  all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's  Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two  ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway;  it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or  tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you  have to say during
commercials.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows  default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea  what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will  be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.