Last Christmas memories……….
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. He showed me photos of Hilary and Jillian and immediately blushed.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty, and he would sneek upstairs and gaze at photos of his dream girls.
Last year I decided to make his dream come true. I called my girls, put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown, so with Jillian for advice and Hilary in tow for moral support, the adventure began.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, off the clock with two absolute hotties, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!'’You put that where?’ 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section, my pants stretched out and several times stained.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour, after dropping off the ladies and kissing them good day…..still off the clock!
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
models, just sit at your computer and peruse the profiles and you will see what I mean. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry and on posts of Vorlons, off the discussion board. I settled for 'Lovable Melissa.' She was in the middle of the price scale, but had a great bio and a long list of tips for extended use.
To call Melissa a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination she was SO incredibly lifelike..
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump and a doubles session, I had set up, with Hilary and Jillian (on the clock but with a very Christmas special the night before), Melissa doll came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let us in during the wee morning
hours and went back to bed. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Melissa's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some daty and played with some fruit with what remained of a glass of milk, cookies and some whipping cream I found in the frig. We all went home, and cuddled for a couple of hours, laughing between the play.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused. She would sniff, start to walk away, then come back and sniff some
more.
We all agreed that Melissa should remain in her pantyhose display so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.
My grandmother noticed Melissa the moment she walked in the door. 'What the
hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut
Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why is her mouth so big and why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? (It was only just explained to me by Hilary at the store, so I thought they could figure it out themselves) And besides, it was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's
new girlfriend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Melissa. Not
just talking, but actually flirting and putting his hands all over her. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home, so we let him be while he tried to get her out of the panyhose.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who was doing who in the neighborhood, when suddenly Melissa made a noise of pleasure, like she popped in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across
the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Melissa's collapse. We discovered that she had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh that had fallen from grandpas cigar.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health, and let grandpa know that it wasn’t his fault…....
I can't wait for this Christmas.
