Ah Fubar! Fucked up beyond all recongnition!

What the hell, Is my face to dirty? cause I'm little bit rusty, and I don't know if I've ever been loved by a hand that's touched me, cause I'm a little bit angry, Just don't stand there and say nice things to me! cause I have been cheated, I've been robbed. You! You don't own me! ya well we just might change that, we just might feel good.
Don't rush this baby!
Ya well I will.

You pushed me away, and pulled me astray, ya
made me mad, cause Im so bad, you said I used,
but then you abused. you lured me out, and then
you laughed, cause your'e so perfect!
You think your'e so smart, so poised, ya well so what! does this mean that you are to  good for me?
Does this mean that you get to always point the finger, and distrubute the guilt?
You are so pretty the way you are, and you have no
reason to be so upset with me, cause your'e so pretty the way you are. If you could return, don't
let it burn, don't let it linger. don't play me
with your finger.

You don't know me, and you blew it, you win! but what have you won? what was the prize? ME? YOU?
If you don't have me, and if I don't have you, then we both lose. No winners here! just sinners!
and losers, saved by zero! game over, score tied at zero.  and no overtime in sight.  Its closing time, time to get your jackets and go, cause you can't stay here.

Father, I am NO white knight! I am not trying to rescue anyone, or prove that I am any better or
worse than anyone else. If a woman has a issues, they are hers! not mine, I got my own issues, and can use a Goddess to wash away my sins! LOL
However, I do believe in honesty, being up front,
not manipulating others without regard to negative
impact that it has upon others.

As for the blessing, hey always ready to be blessed! as opposed to cursed.

You're contradicting yourself

The first thread you started on this topic months ago, you clearly stated that you were seeking phsyciatric help in order to move on from this relationship, with a provider, not a civie. The fact that you are seeking a shrink indicates that you are aware of the fact that you need help. After all, one does not see a shrink to resolve another persons issues.

In the first post of this thread you stated that you tried to remain a client but were rejected, yet you later recant and say that it is you who backed away. But in fact, if you were trying to remain a client, then you did not walk away at all. You obviously wished to continue in spite of the emotional peril you claimed to be suffering from in the orginal thread. It is only due to the fact that you were refused, that the relationship ceased, you said so yourself.

You also said, and I quote, "I see providers for
sex and to stay disconnected emotionally so as to
avoid any hassles or drama." But in your first Erotic highway post you said plainly that you were emotionally attached in this case. And let us not forget, this is TWICE for you. Your first instance of falling in love with a provider was well documented on this very forum by you yourself, and you only recently appologized to her, again, publicly (and again, TMI). Your history in regards to staying emotionally unattached speaks for itself, you don't seem to be capable of it.    

You go on to talk about the "unrelenting attention", "not taking no for an answer", etc., but in your first thread from Erotic Highway, you complain about not even getting your phone calls returned. When someone won't return your calls you are being ignored, not hounded. And yet, as the thread went on, you continued to complain about being ignored and yet you continued to try in spite of being ignored, so it appears that it was you who could not take no for an answer, and the rest is merely wishful thinking on your part.

Honestly, if everything were like you decribed, you wouldn't have still been paying a premium for the time you spent, now would you?. No. If someone needed or wanted you so desperately, why would they still require payment for their time? That doesn't add up. Perhaps this is you projecting yourself onto someone else? Sound familiar? If not read your public apology to the last provider you went ape shit on.

You say your only reason for posting was to keep the previous provider you had issues with, out of the lime light. If that were the case, it would have been a very short post, but you went on to explain every last detail about your failed endeavors with someone else who has nothing to do with the previously mentioned provider. Yep, I smell bullshit.  

Crazy like a fox? I'd say crazy like a man who didn't get the girl, again. But still, if you only see what you want to see, then you are the cause of your own problem, and also I might add, blind.

But we can keep this thread in mind, so that in a few months when you go off the deep end again about the third provider who things didn't work out with, we can see how many more times you end up juggling your words. Or you could just do everyone the favor of keeping your disfunctional habits to yourself from this point forward, but I doubt that will happen, you appear to like attention.  

Good luck with therapy.

You keep going back to this thread, Why?
If you want answers, then step up and state your case! put your money where your mouth is!

Got something to say? then say it! Go ahead!
Speak up! I am listening, but I will NOT leave my safety, the ball is in your court now.
Don't expect me to hold my breath though.

It was not my intention to become emotionally involved with you. But because of the many great qualities that you possess, well I fell for you!

I sensed of how inteligent you are, and of course you already know of how beautiful your appearence is, and of how sexually, we can light fires together!

My anger toward our interaction, was yes I had feelings for you, and according to you, you had feelings for me, We love each other!
So keeping that in mind, I am not responsible for your feelings, just mine,
I can and do love you, but its all about respect!
and feeling good about each other, not pain, nor
deceit, nor using or abusing one another.
My anger began to rise, as I felt that you were taking from me, and NOT giving back the same effort, I made that known to you! It was then that I really began to understand that I felt that I was getting emotionally used by you. That hurts! So I gave you an option, either things balanced out, or I emotionally leave you.

You want me to admit that I fucked up and fell for you? Yep! your right!
I did not cross your boundaires though! I matched your effort, I have always been holding back emotionally, because no one is just going to take from me! So with your permission, I matched your
emotional contribution to our interaction.

I was not acting, its real, and always has been real! I felt that you wanted to put a burn on me, and then sit back and laugh, thus my feelings that you are an abuser, and the reason why I posted this thread, to warn others of your hidden
anger! and desire to use, emotionally.

So you see, if you are interested, or become emotionally in need of me, you had better be willing to give back love and respect to me as well!
I did not fully understand you when we first met,
nor do I fully understand you now, but I have a better understanding of your personality and your needs now than when we met.

Now, this has gone far enough, if it continues,
then you have to risk becoming vulnerable to me,
otherwise you know I will leave, just as I did before, I will walk! I don't need the drama or pain, nor do I desire to give that to you. I want a best friend, and lover, and I will find her.

Sort things out, I will work with you! and for us,
but I will not work for you alone.
If you want commitment from me, I am prepared to give that to you. YOU of course are going to have to do the same. Be aware! The abusive interaction has to CEASE! and stay absent from our relationship. This begins NOW. This applies to both of us!
As for the next step, and who does what?
Well, don't be foolish, and think that I am going to risk contacting you first, as I had done before
You had your chances, now it is on you to approach me. If you are unable to see it through then,
Have a very Merry Christmas! and
wishing you the best!

Love
Trooper

Keep your head up. This too will pass. xo,K

Ya see TB, she is a controller, an abuser, a loser of sorts, she gets her needs met by using men, She employs many emotional control stratigies, such as verbal abuse, and emotional blackmail, and when she gets caught, she resorts
to her little old martyr self, cause ya know,
she is so sweet, and caring of a person.

Its Ok S/R, you are not so much a bad person, its
just that you have not figured out how to grow past your adaptive behaviors, to get your needs
met, and sadly, you will continue to feel angry,
and empty, until the day, that you make some changes in how you treat yourself and others.

Ya see, alot of what I told you, about me, is bullshit, I offered it up to you, so that you could jump on it, and further believe, that you were pushing my buttons, LOL
Then I sat back and watched the show, and what an
entertainer you are!
Well all the bullshit aside, ya I got my flaws,
but not enough flaws, to allow you to place guilt
and shame upon me for who I am. LOL

All in all, I flushed you out, and allowed everyone to see how you operate, and even after I got the drop on you, You still tried to play it as if you were such a wonderful provider, and person!

Ya got caught! plain and simple as that, just like
getting your hand where it did not belong, and then you had to try to explain what the hell you hand was doing there in the first place.
Well, what was your hand doing down my pants as
you screamed rape?  LOL

Any relationship, has its struggle with Power,
Control, and Money.
This I knew then and I know now.
A healthy relationship, consists of sharing of these elements. Shawna, you wanted it all!
I said no, you kicked my ass for saying No.
Its in the past, so be bold and let it go.

Quit fuckin around, and Answer the QUESTION
No one is emotionally blackmailing anyone any longer.
So either we deal with each other. Or
GO in PEACE.

Just an observation before I do my magic trick
and vanish,
Do you realize that you are like a broken record,
or scratched CD?
You just keep going back over the same old stuff!
I was willing to listen, and learn, but because of your inability to step up, well ya see, I just get so tired of the Its YOU TROOPER! You have got some problems! sure go ahead and use me as your whipping post, so that you can feel better about yourself.
Passive/aggressive? Whatever! Look if a person cannot be allowed to express themselves without all the negative feed back, or only to be SET UP to be the BAD PERSON,  then ya, they tend to shut the fuck up, and hide there feelings, and begin to feel anger at all the negative projections from others. But then again, that is what you desired to do to me, Right?
Well, in spite of what you continually point out
about me, I still have more good about me, than bad.


So ya, I have issues, So what! WTF! I am so glad that I was able to meet still yet, another perfect individual in you. I guess we all cannot be as perfect as you.
O Well, that's life!
At least in my world, I have others who can admit that they are less then perfect. They dare to be
vulnerable too!

I have to go
Best Wishes!

Trooper


-- Modified on 12/20/2007 4:33:56 AM