Hi Folks.

I'm a provider and have been for 3+ years. I've consistantly had gents ask me out on "free dates" (they'll cover expenses but want to start a relationship out of it, not pay for my dates rates).

While this is all EXTREMELY flattering, it really puts us (providers) in an awkward position. While we may be attracted to you, interested in you or have chemistry with you, that is sort of part of why we are providers. If you didn't lust or feel chemistry for a provider, you wouldn't continue to see her, right?

I know I've had sessions with men I fantasize about after they leave, as with my other provider friends, we all do on a regular basis, but we are providers, hence you pay us for privacy and we respect that (I won't speak for others, but I do anyway).

In short, I get so flattered when I'm asked out, I have a chance to decline and it's left alone, never to be brought up again unless the person asked out desides to bring it up again. Once a client has done the asking out, isn't it common curtesy to drop it, as the ball is now in the askees court?

Hopefully this doesn't come off the wrong way. I consider myself sweet and gentle but from time to time this happens and so my question is, is there a way to let someone down easy once persistance takes over?

Since we are already on the topic, how do you gents prefer a decline to the initial asking that feels resonable? I've tried the "I'm not girlfriend material at the moment" but gents don't seem to buy it. While it's 100% true, I feel perhaps there is another way.

Thanks, Guys and Dolls!
NotGirlfriendMaterial

I have this situation come up a couple of times as well.  In some cases I am not only flattered but would genuinely enjoy spending more time with certain men who ask me.  Sometimes it has gone so far as, during a session, we both admit to having feelings for each other.  
Sometimes emails are even sent back and forth, steamy emails, emotional emails, and wonderful words are spoken by both participants and both people are happy.
But my question is: when that happens, why does the money stop??  
Gentlemen, why is it that when you know a provider feels a special feeling for you, and it's genuine, then you start to think she doesn't need to get paid anymore?  

Even though I genuinely care for you, I still need to pay my bills.  Even though I genuinely look forward to seeing you, and get excited that you have called again and set up an appointment, or a date, I still need to find some way to make money.  
I would think that if you cared for a woman more than the usual p4p situation, that you would want her to be comfortable, want her to be taken care of.  Why would the money stop at this point.

We would be more free to explore our real emotional feelings for you, if you didn't stop the money flow.  

So, I am in the position of wanting you, yes genuinely wanting to go out, spend more time with you, etc.. but I can't because I still have to work.  
This situation turns my once favorite clients into "friends" and there for, "no pay", which means I need to spend less time with you because now, I need to get my hussle on to find more clients.  

I'm in a position where I really care for one particular client, and he cares for me, but I feel as though if I even talk about it, he'll stop paying.  Yes, I like him more than anyone else, but I need the money.  I'd rather be spending time with him than any one else, but I can't afford to not get paid.  

I hope this doesn't sound horrible.  But I do this for money because I have bills to pay.  Yes, I enjoy it, but why should I get paid less because I genuinely like the man I'm doing it with?

Asking you out may be part of what they are paying for.

They don't really expect you to say yes, but the asking is part of the fantasy.  You are free to decline in any way you want, but a simple, "No" will do the trick.

If they are truly delusional and actually think you want to be asked out, same goes.  Just say "Nope."  

If a guy wants to spend the time he pays for getting turned down, I suppose that is up to him.

Good question, if the guy looks at the cost of keeping a mistress he would be happy to keep paying for your time.  I have never been in a relationship of any kind that didn't have a cost to maintain.  This is no different.

I have a lady that I see very frequently, and look at the payment that way, I want her to live well and don't mind paying for her time to add to her lifestyle.  Some real emotion certainly adds to the experience but you have to keep it in perspective and the money helps do that.

Trying to impose regular, day to day life rules, on a pay for pleasure environment.

The first girl wants a guy who's just paid her hundreds of dollars, to quit asking her out after she's said no.

The 2nd girl wants her guy to continue to pay for her time, even after they have entered into an admittedly regular relationship.

Funny thing is both girls are hesitant about how they sound. Fist one says "Hopefully this doesn't come off the wrong way", the second one says "I hope this doesn't sound horrible" and in both cases, they are correct!

I'm sorry if my advice seems somewhat harsh: girl #1- try to develop a more positive reaction to requests for the irresistibility that is you. Instead of thinking how let down they are by your rejection, and please do not ever again use that lame not girlfriend material at the moment line- think instead of it as proof of your attraction and realize that if a guy has supported you for years, it would not kill you to one day show appreciation with a casual breakfast at some cafe.

To girl #2: My advice to you is to remove your provider cap and put on your regular everyday girl cap. Instead of demanding outward payment now that you are on the verge of a real relationship, broach to him the subject of some of your bills. Maybe a car payment, insurance bill, groceries. If he really cares about you, he'll have no problems relieving you of a share of those. Since he'll obviously be saving what he would have paid you.

But trust me as a man, there is no surer way to torpedo that budding relationship than to suddenly request payment for your services. You are letting money factor too heavily in your reactions. You can always find more ways to make money or work harder. You just can't always find someone who arouses feelings that you can't suppress.

...I am happy to say it has never gotten to the point of falling for a client or bending my rules, and I hope it never does. And while I care about some of my friends, it's good to have boundaries in this industry.

I would suggest you firmly state you do not offer free dates to anybody no matter how long you have known them or what type of feelings you have for them or they have for you. Then cease contact with anyone who doesn't respect your decision. Filter/block their emails, as you should only have friends who respect you. While it might hurt their feelings, they will come around if you are firm and consistent.

"Is there a way to let someone down easy once persistance takes over?" Again, block their email. Sounds harsh, but you will get the respect you seek. And maybe you will lose a friend in the process, but you will have your dignity and a client base with only those who maintain appropriate boundaries.

Boundaries are important. After all, this is all fantasy.

Good luck.

This is NOT a dating service.  I did not become a provider to meet men!  
We are professionals.  We are providing a service.  This is NOT Pretty Woman.  No white knight is riding in to save me.  And I'm okay with that. I don't need or want to be saved.  

You can "take care" of me by continuing to pay me my regular rates.  That is how you can help me. Keep this on a professional level.

Most guys just want the cheapest, best fu*k that they can get and asking a beautiful provider out is always the quickest means to an end. Happens ALL the time.

When I first started out, I got asked out by a white-knighter..thinking he actually wanted to date me! What a joke that turned out to be. He was only interested in playin' for free w/a talented gal that dug him. Later on, he even shared with me that he had a girlfriend that he never intended on leaving. Joke was on me I suppose.

Quick lesson learned..Hobbyists pay to play and are rarely looking for monogamy. It's just not in their genes. No matter how much you love spending time with a particular gent, you have to keep in mind the type of biz you're in and how you never would have met him if you weren't a pro.

Being a professional means keeping professional boundaries. Being asked out is the norm. Just say, "I like variety." This is verbage gents seem to understand.

You write very well!  Your thoughts in prose also mirror my own.  Excellent thread.

I have "dated" three providers. I met one provider on a Sugar Daddy dating site,and the others I met  during their escort business.   We hit it off well, going to dinners, movies, theater, and all sort of things that didn't involve the bedroom.  It was made pretty clear up front, that our dates would involve lots of "no charge"  fun activities, but when we moved into the bedroom, I was happy to pay for my play.  That way, we all had the best of both worlds, in that we could date like normal, fun, exciting friends, and have the benefits of an  escort/client relationship.  

Of course, I am sure that I got special intimate advantages, but I also provided lots of special treatement, like spas, salons, shopping trips, travel and  generally spoiling behavior.  

But, as a warning to the men who think it is easy to date a provider, IT IS NOT!!!!  For providers, business comes first, and it is often difficult to make plans, or our evening out plans would change at the last minute due to some client demands.  

And, I am sure that for providers, it is just as difficult as to where to draw the lines between friendship and professionalism.  There is a pretty simple analogy that might help make my feelings clear.  If I have a friend who is a house painter, and I ask for his help to move my refridgerator, I am probably not going to pay him for his help.  But, if I ask him to come paint my house, I am going to pay him, because that is what he does for a living.  So, if an escort wants to go shopping, or have dinner, or hang out at the spa, I consider that something we do out of friendship. But,  since she is a sex worker, I think it is only fair that she get paid for those talents.  

Of course, its a whole nother discussion, about how difficult it is for a provider to not  treat a "boyfriend" like a client. I'll start that thread another day. LOL.

Right now I don't have access to private messages here on TER. My email is RealP4u at yahoo.

As a hunter....I hunted a provider for years as friends and ended up getting the trophy of my life catching one of the premier escorts in this community....would the two of us recommend it...No Way.....was it fantastic for us after both of us were out.....Yes......

Now let me give you some insight on us men in the hobby....if the woman undressed as  s-l-o-w  as the men get dressed on their way out we would hear it on the boards from the men.....

Now most men are just looking for a few free bennies and have no real desire to commit....freebies.....Hey is the American way....but is it fair to the ladies...

Now the ladies that do not have men in their lives, I am sure are looking for a man in their lives but what a terrible place to look...

Some girls will take the men for a ride and and most of the men will take the ladies for a ride.....

Now you can call BS  but I would love to debate the problems as there are so many.....the fantastic lady I caught was my friend for many years without any business involved or free sex....we just plain liked each other and we both wanted to make sure that is what it was....both out and happy.....

 





-- Modified on 2/6/2010 3:50:50 PM

I am fully aware that I'm nothing more than an ATM to a provider and I'm fine with that. Any guy who thinks he's different is delusional.

The "I'm not girlfriend material at the moment" way of putting things can easily lead them to think that could change at some later time.

Maybe you could say that while you are flattered, that you have to keep things on a professional level as you are a businesswoman running a business?

I would ask you what kind of relationship you are looking for with these clients you are particularly fond of?  Perhaps I do not understand but it sounds to me that you are expecting or wanting it to be a combination of friend (or friend with benefits) and favored client.  Without a clear understanding from both of you what the boundaries and expectations are then it's no surprise that you are running into problems.  I think you need to have some open and frank conversations about how these arrangements are supposed to work so that both of you are on the same page.

My advise would be to just be cold hearted, blunt and give a firm NO. Inform him this is a business and you do not mix business with your personal life!

If he wishes to schedule you again as a p4p date fine, but if he brings the issue up again simply DNS him.

I used to be a hobbiest in Minneapolis, but not there any more. I had somewhat of a relevent experience.

From my experience, you probably shouldn't see him any more if he persists.  Just be polite and firm at the same time. It's never easy to do this, but it's musch easier than what could happen.

Anyway, I once became pretty close to one provider  - at least I would like to think so.

We talked about going out, but never happened when the unexpected happened. I was leaving town shortly, we had a closure, said good bye, and we would stay in touch as a friend or whatever.

I tried to reach her a few times, but never heard back from her.

I am sure she has her reasons, but I have to admit there was a time that I did resent her.
I questioned if she was one bit sincere with me.
It was probably one of the worst feelings I have ever had. After all that, I did not expect to be so conveniently ignored by her.

What I am trying to say here is that there is a lot of room for resentment. One moment you guys are going out for dinner, and next he is coming over to your place etc. You start to think about the money you could be making. You mention it to him at that point, he is going to resent you.
Now you just lost a good friend / client and feel like crap. He feels like crap.

Lap MD-

While this is great advice and quite an observation I should have clarified that these are gents I have seen 1-2 times only. So "supporting me for years" would be a gross overstatement.

I understand what you mean though. I have done coffee and lunches with clients that are loyal to my services. I'm all cool with that. My gents who see me once a month or so and have for 2-3 years, you better believe they get VIP treatment in and out of my incalls. We become friends natuarally.

These are random people who feel a connection, act on it, and are persistant.

Thanks for your advice and input!
Seriously, NOT girlfriend material at the moment, I stand by my original statement

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond. I'm taking solid information away of this!!

I met someone once and unbenounced to me after that one time he had some feelings that I was not aware of and did everything he could trying to get others not to see me -- as far as going to the point that he LTN spread vicious lies saying I said something about another provider and rumors about me about that were so untrue all the time claiming to be trying to help me.  Joke was on me, that's for sure. Thank goodness, someone brought it to my attention.  Thereafter, he got pissed that I refused to have any communication whatsoever and was harassing me, why the hell would I and why the hell should I give this person another chance. NO way. I have reason to believe that he's still spreading these lies...

See that's a good question Vorlon.  And my point is, I'm looking for a situation in which I'm allowed to be honest.  
I genuinely feel something for you (not looking for any future entanglements)  I like this person.  I like being around him, like the sex, like the conversation, and....
LIKE the money.
So why does that have to change when we start to get into the emotions of it all?  Why is it either money, or emotional connection?
Why can't I have both.  Emotional connection, genuine affection, and get paid?  

Why does it have to be so black and white?  Why is it that the proof that I care for you is that I stop asking for money?  I need the money but that doesn't mean I am ingenuine in my affection for you.  

Why is it that when we become friends, suddenly you stop paying?  

My problem is that I haven't figured out what's more important to me yet.  The money or the friendship.  What sucks is that I have to make a decision about it.  

Why can't I have both?

I've had something similar happen but not quite THAT bad.

In this business it's hard enough to create a good name for yourself let alone dealing with that sort of stuff.

But it will be difficult at best, particularly because you don't know what your priority is.  You need to communicate clearly what your expectations are and stay consistent.  If you give off mixed signals then I think you will keep having problems.

http://www.texasgoldengirl.com/afterhours/selling-time-energy/

http://www.texasgoldengirl.com/afterhours/dating-as-an-escort/

---

And I'm rooting for the Saints, because I would hate to think the Vikings lost to losers. Go Saints! J/k.

I'm overjoyed to hear of your VIP treatment of your treasured clients. I believe that is one of the failings of our current society: people don't show proper appreciation. A running back can run his heart out all season long, never giving up on a play, and the team could cut him like he was never ever there 2 seasons later.

And there are some women who will sail thru a door you've just held open for them with not a conscious thought of a thank you or smile.

So I'm always happy when I hear people expressing proper gratitude and I'm glad you saw the spirit of my post. I liked this thread. I enjoy the posts that challenge you to think.

But seriously, you got to drop that NOT girlfriend material at the moment line. You just kicked a man in his nuts.

No need to kick him in the ass too.

and the way we decided to handle this issue is, if I contact her I pay, if she contacts me it is dutch(free).

It was simple and well defined.

Granted, the first time I was too new and naiive to know any better.  The second and third time was them asking to spend time off the clock.  I guess I got tired of aying that I would leave my SO if something were to happen...exactly what they wanted to hear.  I think GML is right about being honest and clear up front boundaries are always good.  Even if you end up losing a couple of good friends along the way...

Providers are just that, providers of good mindblowing sex that your SO wouldn't do. Kinky stuff that you won't dare asking from your SO.

This is not meant as a disrepect to anyone here, but why would any guy want to have a long term relationship with a provider?
Aren't we out there for the variety? For the excitement of the hunt (however artificial)?

Isn't the thrill of having sex with a different girl, without comitment, part of the allure?

Think about it guys....

You got it, Lap MD!

That was sort of the meaning of the post. I think one of the girls said it best by just saying "No thank you" or "I never mix business with pleasure" or should it be "pleasure with business"? lol

Thanks again, TLD!

My point was simply I didn't want things to change so I may have said and agreed to things I shouldn't have. Maybe if I had been clear up front, I would still be friends with these two.  Maybe.Either way, being flattered, yet not wanting anything more...well, it can go both ways...that's all I meant.

. . . free sex with hot chicks who are cool. Period. I admit this.

This, in civilian life, is commonly referred to as "dating." Now if you're a big girl and can take responsibility for yourself, you can, of course, play the dating games of lying and being lied to, of using and being used for random nights of pleasure. But, hey, if it's mutual, if you're consenting adults, why not?

However, let us educate the younger and newer providers in the Ways of the World. Because guys want free sex with hot chicks who are cool, the provider must have a strategy, a policy to deal with them.

Giamarie has it right. Have a firm policy that you are a professional businesswoman who never dates clients, who never mixes "pleasure with business." Because of the semblance of intimacy, it's easy for guys to develop crushes on strippers and escorts. Save them from themselves (and yourself from them) by bringing them back to earth by reminding them this is a Pay to Play business, and it has boundaries.

As a concession, the policy of "I Ask I Pay, You Ask We Play" seems an alternate workable arrangement when hobbyist and provider absolutely must "date."

Almost all guys are devious bastards who will want a "relationship" as a smoke screen for free sex, and they will say whatever it takes. How to defeat this?

If, as they claim, guys are truly interested in you "as a person," you can smoke out the phonies by letting them know (and sticking to it) that you never have "free" sex with anyone you're dating until your wedding night! (Or some other commitment milestone, if marriage is not your thing.) Strange advice, indeed, in this day and age, but try it, if you can, and you'll see the truth of it and you'll be happy you saved your heart from the players. Any guy worth sharing your heart with will respect your wish.

Everybody all straightened out now? Sheesh . . . next counseling session I'm gonna hafta charge an hourly rate.

if the lady does not give freebies ever, she just never calls and the guy has his answer.

The lady also gets her answer if the guy never calls waiting for her, she knows exactly where the relationship stands.

All I can say for sure is it has worked for us with not a single misunderstanding.