Santa has asked me to audit helpers! The million dollar ?.

Dear Santa and helpers.    

      This accountant is all about maximizing investment value and equity for Santa's share holders. Some folks don't really like accountants because they are afraid of experiencing a hard time. Let me assure you Santa, I am not interested in giving you such, however, I am hoping several of you lovely helpers may find me very hard to resist. Anyway, I am delighted that you want me to start auditing your staff. The auditing will give me a true feel, of well, lets say "your businesses moving parts." I will be checking the list and checking it twice to find out exactly who is naughty and nice. Darn, my mistake, it's who has been naughty or nice. Either way I'll be sending you a full report. I know it's a tough job, but I am your man and up for the task! Grinning!

      The following information is directed to female north pole staff only. With each one of you gorgeous helpers a subsidiary to Santa's company, a through study of your individual enterprises is necessary. As mentioned above, I look to achieve this though auditing. Santa says all of you are ready to participate. Hot, I mean great, but before I do any face to face meetings I need to decide who are the most desirable candidates. Desirability is intangible, you have your criteria and I have mine. I am going to be checking everyone of your mission statements. Customer comments on file in company records are very important too. The North Pole H.R. department has my references and professional testimonials for your review. It is imperative that you and I have confidence in both of our abilities and talents, this is stimulating and important to a shared approach. If you are willing, a mutually agreeable time frame for each audit will then be set. At the beginning of each meeting, I will want to sit down, chat and get to know you, the brains behind the operation. What is your personality and mindset? A good attitude and love for your business is the most important element. Using accounting lingo, I want to figure you out . Really though, I'll be looking for that equation or common denominator that can work for us.  I hope we can make a deep and lasting connection. Be prepared for in depth evaluation, as will I, with a caring attitude and plenty of lead in my pencil. Are you prepared?

      Readers what is your criteria for desirability?

                                                      Professionally yours,  

                                                 Clement C. Moore VII C.P.A.

Auditing, its a tough job, but someone has to do it! & Final ?

Dear lovely lady helpers,
      Embarking on to the main audit I will be slowly uncovering your figures and giving lots of attention to detail. Using a hands on approach I am going to be totally involved and methodically so; leaving no little stones unturned. After a slow scan of your body of evidence, I will start auditing from the top and work down. First, I must stare into those beautiful eyes of yours, they are the windows into your operation. Those eyes don't lie and they can expose a lot of information. Then slowly I will draw back your lovely hair, take your hands in mine and whisper these words and more into your computer memory bank. Nice layout, I think we can make this exercise exciting and an interesting way to explore exactly what your figures mean!
      In the spirit of openness, I am also happy to lay bare all my credentials for your full inspection. Yes, I am going to need you to be embracing of the whole process with more then just lip service. Hold it, let me think about that statement for a minute. Yes, there is a lot to be said for lip service, a lot. Also, while searching employment records I noticed most of you claim to be fluent in French. Tongue in cheek, I say "trust but verify"!  Lots of verifying and testing is necessary here to make out what is fact or folly, muah! Many return trips will be needed, WE WE!
      Slowly trailing down I am still thinking about France when I encounter your production bottleneck. I savor and linger here for a time, gulp. While continuing to move south, I am always calculating among other things your continued enthusiasm for the audit. Subtle hints, are raising my spirits and more as I arrive at the heart beat of your business. Here, I am getting into some really nice figures. These are mostly soft numbers that represent boom and bust revenue cycles. Using all my senses these beautiful numbers need to be investigated, studied, handled and nursed along very carefully. I love this area, it's my cup of tea, or in reality dare I say "cups." Speaking of cups, these are important cups of supreme supple alphabetical interest that augment the total sales figure. I especially like tweaking those sales peaks, they seem so responsive to my administrations. Moving on for now, I will need to return often to this area. Cross checking these sales totals with other sensitive areas is important.
      Next, of interest to the overall balance of my report are your mid range liabilities numbers.  Looking for low flat numbers here, the flatter the better. Then again, a little padding in the numbers is better then hollowed out ones. All in all, this liability figure says a lot about what shape your company is in.
      A highlight of any female audit is analyzing your broad all encompassing asset figure. Including the most coveted and lucrative accounts like fertile land, accounts receivable and a landing strip. Looking around, there is also a couple of large well rounded assets that shadow a sometimes used Mediterranean time share account. Those well rounded assets look so good on your balance sheet . Up front and center, the most valuable accounts to the bottom line are looking very exciting. This is an area that really needs my most detailed scrutiny. Your wide open spreadsheet should shine some light on the composition of these numbers. The success of the entire audit is at hand. It's all about skillfully using the tools of my trade, getting feedback from you and concentrating on the needy spots when and where we find them. F.A.Q., Will I be MANipulating your figures? Is that the real north pole you just found? No and noooooh, but it's OK to play with them a little, just don't tell Santa, LOL!!!
      Below these important asset figures and all the way down to your footnotes, I expect to see growth and more to enjoy, I mean to like. Any successful attraction has legs, beautiful, alluring legs. No no, here I am talking about a businesses sustained ability to attract customers. What did you think I was talking about? Naughty you for thinking any different, admit it.
      Now with the discovery and through investigation of your entire lay out complete, we both will be getting more and more excited to wrap things up. If the process has been mutually fulfilling up to this point, a happy ending is virtually assured. All that will be left, is to double check our figures. Then amazingly, every time an audit with one of you lovely ladies is going well; it seems an urgent hot button issue pops up to solve. Quivering tension, dilation and flooding is evident on your assets bottom line next to and involving accounts receivable. Apparently, MANdatory stimulation in the auditing process and continual cross checking of several key accounts is to blame. Building pent up data at this sensitive nerve center is not being shared with other accounts; causing a backup and system wide imbalance. Demanding immediate intervention, I must neutralize this intense, ever escalating localized feeling; which has short circuited your communication grid's normal flow of information. Luckily, I am uniquely qualified to help with this situation! It does call for me to reopen, maximize and jump back on to your spread sheet. To accomplish a satisfying outcome, varying degrees of my input and hard work will be necessary; along with both of us just plain grinding it out as a team. With tension and a surge of flowing data unleashed, everything is rhythmically siding into place and perfect balance. Climactic audit success is ours. Feeling almost uncontrollable delight the time has come for me to blurt out these words "NICE Psa ASS," sorry I meant, "NICE PASS, PASS"!!! Ultimately, we will proclaim our total satisfaction with an official join press release. There in, adding lots of slang, emotion, affirmatives, superlatives, prefixes, suffixes and accolades to the final testimonial report. LOL!!!
      The work often demands re-auditing, especially for those who's audits seem to be too good to be true. After all, it is my job to make sure I expose bona fide figures. Gosh, do I ever love my job!!!!! LOL
     Readers, now who said being an accountant is boring? Any of you want to change professions?

                                                             Professionally yours,

                                                       Clement C. Moore VII  C.P.A.

P.S. Raise? Hmmm, I think you deserve a partnership in my FIRM.  All in fun and dreaming!

This was no AD Read let me explain, a reply above

Dear board readers,
This is not the reaction I was hoping to get from my post. Since this was supposed to be all about humor, a total farce or some might call it an erotic parody on accountants. All I wanted to do, was entertain you a little on a boring weekday and add something different to the board. I mentioned before about Clement C. Moore, but did you know it was his book that popularized Santa in the USA. I also liked using his name for the C. Moore part, as in see more.
I thought most people would pick up on what i was doing here, apparently this is not the case. I will take the blame and apologize for not presenting it better. Meanwhile, I will take your lumps of saltpeter and go back to lurking. I hold no ill feelings and wish all of you, ONLY THE BEST!  

Posted By: mplsguy12

Greetings St Nicholas and staff,

       A friendly reminder from your new Accountant, tax season is on its way!

      Old family history makes our fresh connection very special to me! As we become acquainted, I want all of you to know: I am a team player, respectful, generous, laid back, a pleaser and lots of fun. Well at least fun for an accountant.  

      Looking at those sizzling 2012 holiday pictures of everyone, I can tell having your workshop as a client is going to be a thrill!, a really big thrill!!! Santa, seeing all those attractive ladies around you, I wonder where do you get all that charm and talent for drawing what looks like the best? Will you mentor me? I want to learn all the secrets and use your same caring approach in exploring every part of the business. Now that everyone has had a chance to rest up and calm down after another dashing global flight, I think it's a good time for me to personally visit corporate North Pole Headquarters. I plan to look over the books and get to know the ins and outs of your adventure, oops, I mean venture. Most important, I hope to make a great connection with many of you.

       In fact, I have just arrived today at the workshop, Brrrrr. On the plane, I conducted a preliminary overview of the total operation. In my research, I want to mention again how impressed I am with the pictures of your business activities. With a masters degree in accounting I can claim to be a expert with numbers. So believe me when I say  "At a glance, I see many perfect figures, beautiful assets and few liabilities on the corporate balance sheet." Absolutely, what a valuable conglomeration of gorgeous bottom lines!!! Your many desirable assets reflect that of a young vivacious company. I am straying here, but keeping it professional as a numbers guy, I just have to say "WOW, I see so many nice curves all around in those figures"!!!!!  Santa, It seems that every one of your beauties deserves a big raise, do they? We shall see! LOL

      Readers, what do you think, do these attractive helpers deserve a big raise?

                                                         Professionally yours,

                                                   Clement C. Moore VII C.P.A.

PS. Seriously now,those holiday pictures were awesome!! To ALL you beautiful ladies reading this, pictured or not, the entertainment you deliver day in a day out is priceless!! Thank you, for all you do!!!

PPS. To most of you guys, we can relate. I know, I know, WOW!