So I'm putting myself out there a bit so be kind!! I started researching escorts about 2 years ago. I figured if I am ever going to have sex again I will need to do what ever it takes. I am married and to put it simply...there is no sex. Sound familiar guys?? I didn't see my first provider until mid April this year. Anyway, I figured I'd get laid once in while and take care of that need. Well I found out a few things about myself and the providers I have seen so far. I can't say enough about the ladies. They have all been great by putting me at ease and treating me right. They are all smart, ambitious, and love what they do. My perception of the escorts and the business has definitely changed. By researching and visiting with these women and reading posts I have come to see that these are real, caring, and normal people. Society has definitely got it all wrong. Now about me....I came into this expecting to have sex once in a while and being satisfied with that. But what I actually found is that I miss the intimacy, cuddling, kissing more than anything. So GFE is great for me. So I have had to rethink what I need from a relationship and how I am to go forward, married or unmarried? This is the last thing I expected from getting into the hobby....getting in touch with my feelings. I know...a guy with feelings???? So with that said, anyone else experience this? You can PM me if you do not want to post. Thanks for listening.
Anyone else
If the relationship you have with your wife is still valuable, then you should have considered genuine professional therapy (possibly with a sexual surrogate).
How would a confession to your wife regarding your provider visits be received by her if she found out about your activities?
Note: Devil's Advocate Friday!
There in lies the conundrum....I am only in it for convenience at this point. Not wanting to disappoint family and my children. So I have choices: Live the way I have it now and risk being found out, try and work things out through therapy, or give an ultimatum-- intimacy or I am gone. I guess I don't want to be gone that bad. And I don't want to try therapy or counseling...been down that road before. So this is what I choose for now. Life is very complicated and until I grow a pair this is probably the way it's gonna be for a while.
And there's no way in hell I would confess to my wife. I want to live a while longer
Stop thinking with your dick or man up and get a divorce.
yea...well... emotions suck. Feel ya.
I suggest taking a spreadsheet and making two columns. On one side list all the things your wife is likely to get in a divorce. On the other list all the things you are likely to get. Deduct legal fees and figure out how much of your continuing cash flow goes to your wife.
My guess, not knowing anything about you, based upon an "average" situation; is that you'll wind up with two poorer households versus the one you have now. Furthering this reasoning, you'll have less access to money and therefore less to use in the hobby.
If you stay married, you are likely to have more sex, just not with your wife. If you are discovered, you'll wind up in the divorce situation anyway.
What I think is very misunderstood about courtesans' place in social history is that they preserve marriages not destroy them. The relationship you have with you wife is not the same thing as the marriage. The former is based upon interests, emotions and compatibility. The latter is really primarily financial.
-- Modified on 5/23/2014 5:50:53 PM
I think you are partly right. I have definitely weight the pros and cons. And right now the scales are tipped in favor of keeping thing the way they are. The other thing is I just started in the hobby and I want to see how I fell in a year or so. maybe this is what I need and maybe it isn't. And I will take and ponder any advice I can get. Thx!!!
The separate households resulting from a divorce may each be poorer but they may also be happier apart than they were together. That counts for something as well.
Good point about being happier, but financially is a different story:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brendan-lyle/after-divorce-women-rebou_1_b_1970733.html
http://www.legalzoom.com/marriage-divorce-family-law/divorce/men-v-women-who-does
The above study data flawed, new statistics still show a difference still in favor of men but less extreme http://www.acbr.com/biglie.htm
I just see so many single moms struggling financially and their ex husbands prospering.
Sorry to hijack the thread.
Back to the point. Kids are better when their parents are happy. Even if there is no fighting around the kids, the kids see their home as the standards under which to live. If you are unable to model a healthy relationship for them, how are they to figure it out when they get older? We need to do better by our kids. Whether we figure it out and live with each other or separate and coparent separately, it's important to put ourselves first so that our kids learn to do the same.
It's like when on an airplane. Put your own oxygen mask on so that you can then take care of the kids.
My idea of a priority: 1: yourself 2: your spouse/marriage 3: your kids 4: your career 5: everything else
Rationale: you need to be healthy to give fully to your relationship. You need to work together to be parents to your kids. Everything comes before your career, because why even have a career if not to provide for your family?
Some would put their religion first, and that would be a valid argument because their religion is their way of taking care of themselves.
Thank you for putting that out there! That was brave of you and I can only imagine how long it took you to finally post this.
I'm not a provider (yet?) but (like you did) am doing research and contemplating moving forward in the hobby.
What I can tell you from my point of view is that my ex saw at least one escort in our time together and I was appalled. I felt slighted, not good enough, and a whole other slew of feelings of betrayal. This, ironically, while we were in an open relationship. I guess it was the deception and the fact that there was this whole other side of him he wasn't willing to share with me.
That being said, I didn't see the escort as anyone bad per se, but I did feel the whole situation (p4p) was a bit sleazy. I have since come a long way, learning about this site, contemplating FBSM and now working towards finally getting my feet wet as a FS provider with very select people. I see it as an empowering option for me to support my kids while choosing for myself when/how it happens.
I suggest you focus on your relationship and see if you can get it back, or leave your wife and find happiness again. There is a great book (The Divorce Remedy) that really goes over things YOU can do differently that may bring about positive change in your relationship. If after doing what you can, and things still aren't better (as they were in my situation), free yourself.
I can tell you I'm MUCH happier without that man in my life. I didn't realize how unhappy I was and how bad he was for me (and my kids) until I was free. I won't go into detail, but I truly see my high value not only as a person, friend, but as a sexual being. I'm much more attractive than I felt, and it was largely because I was in an unhappy relationship with an unhappy person who did and said not-so-nice things to me and my children.
Seeing escorts helped open your eyes. Now it's time to figure out what to do with that new view of things.
Best of luck to you.
If you want to vent, I'm VIP for at least the next few months. :-
Abby I sent you PM reply on this one...sorry everyone this response was more private...did not want to post.
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I hope you do become a provider. I will check out the book.
Glad you were able to get out of your situation and are feeling better about yourself.
You said that:
"I actually found is that I miss the intimacy, cuddling, kissing more than anything."
So would your wife be interested in THAT, if it's understood that it isn't being done just as a prerequisite for sex? And would you be content with that, if that were the case?
I would just advise to be careful - comparing what you may experience in a pay for play situation is not easily replicated in the real world.
Oh yes I have thought of approaching her with that. But I have tested her by just kissing and touching and making suggestive comments. This has been done over many years and in different ways. But maybe I just need to put it out there in plain English. Anyway, even in approaching her with that Pandora's box could be opened and the road to divorce not far away. Really don't want that right now.
I would recommend using a DBT skill: DEAR MAN
The following is an example of DEAR MAN loosely based on a failing relationship.
D (describe the situation) I have noticed that we have been growing more and more apart. We don't talk often and when we do it's impersonal. We rarely touch and intimacy is almost never. When I do reach out to you I don't feel like you want me to. I see it affecting the kids. Their grades/behavior/friends has changed.
E (express how you feel about it) I miss it. I miss you. It makes me feel sad and lonely when we don't connect. When I reach out to you and you aren't receptive, it makes me feel unwanted and alone. I feel worried about the kids and their happiness and I feel it's largely because we are not providing a good foundation of love in our home.
A: (assert your wishes) I would like to work on rebuilding what we had. I want "us" back. I want you to feel wanted, cherished, celebrated, important, and I want those things for me too. I love you and I hope you still love me. I want the kids to grow up in one home with two happy parents.
R: (reinforce why this is a good idea) I know we would feel more united if we spent some time remembering why we got together in [insert year] and I really want to work towards that.
M: (stay mindful - stay on topic) Keep your emotions in check. Don't raise your voice. Don't argue, don't get angry. If she gets defensive, acknowledge her pain and return it to the points of what you want going forward. Don't diminish, but don't argue. Say you're sorry for your part and you want to do better.
A: (Appear Confident) Don't stammer, don't beg, don't grovel. You have put great thought into what you want to say and you know it's what you think is best. If you appear wishy-washy, you are less likely to be taken seriously.
N: (Negotiate) If she isn't interested at this time, bring up some ideas on how you want to hear her out. Offer her some time to think about it. Tell her you will table the discussion until [set reasonable time - two days away perhaps] and would like to discuss some more.
*** these skills work in ANY negotiation in which you have a goal. Using this template can be used in many situations in which the potential for emotions/arguing to escalate is there. Staying focused on the goal and not the extra crap is difficult and this DEAR MAN is very useful for those kids of situations ***
Sometimes the other party is simply not willing.
The beauty of the book I mentioned (divorce remedy) is that it's full of things YOU do on your own to bring about change.
If after doing those things the person is still not on board, it's really a lots cause at that point and that is when you move on.
Everyone is deserving of a happy life. Sometimes that life involves someone else, sometimes it doesn't. Ultimately, you are fooling yourself if you think things will get better on their own
I have helped several people with their particular situation (everyone is different), and I will continue to do so.
I love what I do, but it does sadden me that it is such a needed commodity. In an IDEAL world, it wouldn't be. Many of my clients are happily married but want the intimacy. I get it. A lot of people, here, get it. You are not alone, and we ALL need therapy
I can tell that you are aware trinity.
The picture speaks more than a thousand words! and yes it is true, We are All different, but yet
so much the same, We are all Crazy in some way, at some point in life, as we bump and stumble
along, Feeling our way as we adjust to each and every challenge.
I love what I do, but it does sadden me that it is such a needed commodity. In an IDEAL world, it wouldn't be. Many of my clients are happily married but want the intimacy. I get it. A lot of people, here, get it. You are not alone, and we ALL need therapy.
Many of us had similar experiences and it is very brave of you to come out and discuss openly. I would like to suggest that in order to see your situation clearly separate marriage and the hobby emotionally. If you are unhappy with your wife an escort may be fun but ultimately your going to have to go back home. It seems like you are unhappy and have tried to work on your marriage but have given up. At the same time you don't want to get a divorced for the kids. I can't speak for you but I was in the same place a few years ago and I stayed in a bad relationship after we had both completely given up on the relationship and after we finally broke up I finally realized how unhappy I actually was and how bad it effected my kid. If you live with someone you hate you have no place to rest, no sanctuary, no home and neither do your children and an escort is not going to provide that to either of you. That being said you are totally right escorts are wonderful caring ladies who do provide cuddles, kisses, snuggles and are great listeners who help you get in touch with your feelings. They also do not require you to remember your anniversary, put the toilet seat down or spend time with their mother. A wife and an escort are two completely different things and need to be handled separately. If you mix them together it's kind of like saying my house is falling apart so I bought a sports car to drive around in.
I get what you are saying and I was anticipating keeping them separate. What I didn't expect is that lonely, dejected feeling after a session. I guess I didn't know I was lonely in my marriage until I wasn't lonely while being with an escort.
But you're right, once you are back home it is still the same. But in this way, the loneliness does connect the two. Some may say the hobby is emotionally too rough and tumble for me. Maybe it is. But it is what I am doing until I can resolve whether or not I accept my marriage as a lonely place and try to change it, or I get divorced and start over. The hobby has definitely opened my eyes in a lot of different ways. I am having fun. But I also discovered a lot about myself.
Thanks to all who posted so far and who have sent me PMs. I appreciate all the input.