An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years, and upon her return her father cursed her, asking “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad, I couldn’t bear to tell you… I became a call girl.” “And what would that be, then?” The girl hesitated, then stammered through her tears, “It’s a kind of prostitute.” “A what! Out of here, ye ungrateful little baggage! You’re a disgrace to this family!” “OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this fur coat, brother Kevin this gold Rolex and you this Mercedes convertible. I also wanted to invite you to spend Christmas with me on my yacht on the Riviera, and to move into my ten-bedroom mansion afterward.” The father hesitated, then asked tentatively, “Now what did ye say a call girl was again?” The girl softly said, “A kind of prostitute!” “Oh! Sweet Jesus! Come here and give yer old man a hug, girl; ye scared me half to death! I thought ye said a kind of Protestant!”
I found this joke one day on the internet, and wanted to share.
Enjoy!
Gabby xox
Escort Tax
One day an escort went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
A businessman is flying back to New York from business meetings on the west coast. It’s a long flight and he has no work in flight and he is thinking it is going to be a long boring flight. He takes his window seat and tries to think of ways to pass the time.
While he is waiting, he notices this drop dead gorgeous blonde walking down the aisle. She has a beautiful mane, long toned legs , a slender waist and full pendulous breasts. He cannot help but stare and is almost overcome with excitement when she sits down in the aisle seat, setting her briefcase on the seat between them.
The businessman is now looking forward to the flight, but has to figure out a way to strike up a conversation with the woman. He glances down at her briefcase and notices the initials “N.A.N.” . That’s my opening he thinks to himself.
“Excuse me miss, but I couldn’t help but notice the letters on your briefcase. Are those your initials or your name Nan?”
“Actually sir, they are neither. They are the initials of an organization that I serve as president - the National Association of Nymphomaniacs.”
The businessman’s interest is piqued.
“That’s very interesting, what does your organization do?”
“Well sir, we provide several services for our members. We just recently completed a comprehensive survey of our membership to identify which groups of men make the best lovers. As you can imagine, that is a topic of great interest to our members.”
“That’s very interesting, what did your survey show?”
“Our membership reports that American Indian men make the best lovers.”
“And why is that?”
“Based upon comments from members, it appears that American Indian men are raised to commune with nature and to be in tune with their physical and emotional make-up.”
“What group came in second?”
“That would be Jewish men. We think that is due to their mother’s being such a presence in their lives they have a great respect for women and we think that makes them great lovers.”
“You know I would not have thought of that, what group came in third?”
“Doctors. We think that all their training and knowledge of a woman’s body makes them great lovers.”
“Well all of that has been very interesting, thank you for sharing the information about your organization.”
“Thank you for your interest sir, may I ask your name?”
"Yes, it's Running Bear Goldberg, MD
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years, and upon her return her father cursed her, asking “Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad, I couldn’t bear to tell you… I became a call girl.”
“And what would that be, then?”
The girl hesitated, then stammered through her tears, “It’s a kind of prostitute.”
“A what! Out of here, ye ungrateful little baggage! You’re a disgrace to this family!”
“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this fur coat, brother Kevin this gold Rolex and you this Mercedes convertible. I also wanted to invite you to spend Christmas with me on my yacht on the Riviera, and to move into my ten-bedroom mansion afterward.”
The father hesitated, then asked tentatively, “Now what did ye say a call girl was again?”
The girl softly said, “A kind of prostitute!”
“Oh! Sweet Jesus! Come here and give yer old man a hug, girl; ye scared me half to death! I thought ye said a kind of Protestant!”
My girlfriend got a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh.
When I put my ear up to it I can smell the ocean!
My girlfriend got a tattoo of Santa clause on the inside of one thigh and the Easter bunny on the other. She says now I can't complain that there is never anything good to eat between Christmas and Easter.
On behalf of all the married guys out there...
When I started reading this I immediately assumed the punch-line would be "Now there's THREE things that you'll only get to see once a year."
A couple is getting ready for a nice Saturday of activities. He's in the shower. She just got out. Door bell rings. She says "I'll get it".
It's Bob from next door. Seeing her in just a robe gets his mind whirling. He says: "I'll give you $400 if you'll just drop that robe and turn around 360 degrees". "No" she says. "Besides, what if my husband found out?". So Bob says: "Oh come on. It won't hurt anything and we will both swear not to tell your husband. I mean, you're really hot and I've always really wanted to see you nude. Just one little glimpse. Nothing to lose and it's a quick $400". She finally agrees and they both swear not to tell her husband.
So she takes the money, drops the robe, and does the 360 turnaround. "Wow!!!!! Better than I even imagined. Thanks. I better get going now" says Bob and he leaves.
Wife returns to the bedroom. Husband asks who was at the door. "Our next door neighbor Bob". Husband says: "Did he say anything to you about the $400 he owes me?.
Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other?
A: How are we suppose to find an egg in all this crap?