I love my wife very much! In my case, I use hobbying as an escape from the regular doldrums of life. I may hobby but I don't forget that it is my SO that is important. If I had a choice between provider or SO, SO will get the 1st choice always.
Human emotions will play a part especially if provider and hobbyist connect but separating the fantasy from reality should be a must. For myself, hobbying is about having fun, irregardless, I still love my SO.
Well it was great meeting new friends at the Los Angeles Meet N Greet. I was able to chat with some nice new friends and also catch up with some speical old friends. Once again while chatting with the guys I heard "I Love my Wife....." This confuses me. I get it that if you are not getting it at home that you will look elsewhere. But I have heard more than once by a naked man in my bed "I love my wife" or "My wife and I have good sex". Anyone care to share about loving and hobbying at the same time?
I didn't make the bucket list and I'm all butt hurt about it (for reals) so if ya'll won't love me, I'm gonna lure your lovins in with my sexy ass Mae-isms......,
If a guy says shit like that its A) guilt and 2) trying to make sense of the contrast between biological and psychological urges vs unrealistic puritanical social expectations regarding fidelity and love. In short?
There is a huge difference between LOYALTY and FIDELITY. Loyalty is who your heart belongs to, and fidelity is who ya knock boots with. They are not the same. But women get jealous, i don't give a shit how open minded a chick is, its in our blood somehow or someway, just as the urge to bang as many chicks as possible is in a guys blood somehow someway. A masn could love a chick with all his heart but he will always have the urge to bang other chicks. Period.
To me this is the responsible way to handle it for these reasons
1) ur seeing a professional strictly to fulfill these needs and go
2) protection is mandatory (or fuckin should be, we hope)
3) its single serving as opposed to an affair, which is a breach of loyalty (appointment-only requirement is a dick and a wallet // affair- investing time and feelings, not as forgiveable)
4) once this urge is satisfied properly, dudes don't carry that begrudging testosterone fueled chip on their shoulder, and are more inclined to cut the grass and put up dumb shit like taking too long to get ready for shit.
So there it is. Believe me sweetie, in the long run, we've saved way more marriages than we ever tore apart
There is no "one size fits all" explanation. I love my wife; our sex is fine--after almost 30 years it is what it is. I'm getting older (duh) and there are some experiences I'd like to have. It has nothing to do with her. I take good care to see she doesn't know about it, for that would be insensitive. I am a very occasional player--probably do not even qualify as a hobbyist, but that's my story.
its strictly a bucket list epiphany for me...i recenlty realized i dont live for ever, so i want to try some things.
-- Modified on 9/19/2011 7:16:13 PM
A question like this can't be put in a box, it's different for everyone.
I, like many others on this board, love my wife. She great. I am very much attractive to her. I still find her beautiful and sexy. She is the first woman in my life, and still to this day, who loves me for who I am, not for what I can do for her or buy for her.
About almost 4 years ago, we lost a child, and it's been extremely difficult for her. Intimacy and sex isn't something she can give easily.
She has her good days, and her bad ones.....on her good days, she can be funny, full of spunk, and very affectionate. But there are days, sometimes weeks, where she just not in the space to give.
I try to ride it out, but at times, I miss the affection, or not being touch, or to touch. It give pleasure, and to receive pleasure.
(please no suggestions of therapists, or medications, as a solutions to the problems. If anything, they were the cause. But that's another story. Time may not heal, but perhaps allow us to deal)
I don't consider myself a 'hobbist' per say. I keep the providers I see down to one or two special, ATF.
There is the point of the investing of time and feelings into an affair being a breach of loyalty. There is something to be said of Mr. Sheen's quote that you don't pay to have sex, you pay for them to leave.
Having an emotional affair isn't something I feel I could do to my wife, even though there as been opportunities to do so.
Anyways....
I really didn't mean to bring the board down, but just wanted to share the light on an issue that isn't so black, white nor grey.
We aren't all 'dudes with begrudging testosterone, with the urge to bang other chicks'.
Though there are those dudes out there too.
Hi Madison....didn't we start this conversation at the M & G?
but I digress..........
I agree! I was married for over 10 years to a cheater! If I would've known about hobbying, I would've steered my ex in that direction! His affairs hurt me very much. He also broke a lot of womens hearts along the way. He loved me and still does. But he didn't realize, he could have meaningless sex, without me finding out or getting women emotionally involved. He really wanted to just have sex with a different woman, variety if you will. At the time, I was niave and didn't realize it. Now that, I'm a provider, I get it! I would rather a married man visit me, as an enhancement in his life, not an intrusion. We do save marriages. I wish my ex would've seen providers, instead of women that I had to run into or knew. It was disloyal and humiliating. Mistresses get an ego trip, providers don't, we know and understand, that discretion is key and that we are only an enhancement. .... That's my probably too personal, opinion.
Oh man, does this topic hit close to home.
I absolutely love and adore my wife. She's best damn thing that's ever happened to me. And if she ever found this out, she'd most likely kill me. And it would probably kill her as well.
So why, in Gods name, do I do this?
It's an addiction... pure and simple. And it started LONG ago, as a teenager in college. (25+ or more long years ago) Started small, but I've hobbied at everything from street pickups on Hollywood Blvd, to girls out of the yellow pages while on vacation. I've had a few regulars along the way, some favorites and some that were downright scary.
After I met my wife, I stopped, and was happy without it for over 10 years. But sex at home after a few kids and years together is a bit repetitive or non-existant. Wife's hitting menopause early and has no sex drive. Getting tired of taking care of needs myself. So the monkey came crawling back. He was helped along the way with internet porn, and the like. And last summer, I fell off the wagon. I usually feel guilty afterwards, both for the act and the cash, but so far haven't stopped again.
Strangely though, I do set some limits. I don't do full service... BJ's, DATY and the like, but not FS. It's a strange line, but it's one I don't cross. And I try to find a girl that is nothing like my wife. I figure if I'm going for variety, than why find something the same as I have? And I try to keep to a budget, no need to go overboard. In fact there's a few girls out there (frequent posters here in fact) that I would love to see... but you're out of my budget... darn.
Anyway... that's my story... comments?
I think there are many of us who are addicted. I've met guys who have spent fortunes, ruined careers, and gotten involved in other things that damaged their lives.
If you stop doing it for say a month or a few months and start getting cravings then there is some level of addiction going on.
You can either pay a shrink a lot of money to reprogram you or trust that you have enough common sense to know what you can afford to do.
Your habbits DG are good as long as you can live with them. Its your money and your time. Doesn't matter what anyone here thinks. If you are trying to hide it from your wife, then you know you are doing something wrong. I understand the reasons, but we all screw up at some point so just be prepared.
For me, I love being with different beautiful women and am fine paying for it. I think we end up paying for it either way. At least in this hobby we have the money and we have more of a choice who we want. In the civi world the women make the choice, not us, even if we're spending the money.
Maybe some guys feel guilty about having sex with someone other than their wife? I'm sure most wives would not approve of the hobby. Jealousy, fear of disease, or fear of loosing a husband.
I also think most males of every mammal species has an urge to fuck, and fuck as many pussies as he can. Hence why there are harems of women, mistresses, brothels. Women, although can hire a gigalo, are not biologically driven the way men are. Men like to brag about how many girls they banged. Do providers talk to each other about how many guys they banged in a month?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every want and need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one want and need.
For everyone who believes part of their hobbying has to do with addiction, there a movie which screened at the Toronto Film Festival, and which was picked up for release later this year called "Shame".
I think it will come close to home for a lot of gentlemen.
I love my wife very much! In my case, I use hobbying as an escape from the regular doldrums of life. I may hobby but I don't forget that it is my SO that is important. If I had a choice between provider or SO, SO will get the 1st choice always.
Human emotions will play a part especially if provider and hobbyist connect but separating the fantasy from reality should be a must. For myself, hobbying is about having fun, irregardless, I still love my SO.
Well I love my wife.. In the beginning ALL was good. Then as we aged and grew and yes we changed. But now the intimate moments are not there, the fire is a smolder, but it is difficult to put a lifetime behind you particularly if your wife is not a total bitch. In fact she is a very nice lady which is why the LOVE. So I hobby to fulfill a social and intimate need I do not have at home. She would be devastated if she found out, but at this moment in time I would be emotionally in prison if I did not hobby so here I am. So its about me and her and you and me. So you see there are 2 me's there! majority wins.
Lol! You guys are all pussies! Why get into a marriage when you want to fuck lots of different women? If you are not an emotion wreck or an addict, then what's your excuse? If you're not happy with your wife, there's something called divorce. I'm sure the providers laugh and laugh (or maybe cringe) about the men old enough to be their grandfathers that that they fuck who are not too man enough to divorce their wives and live a single life. It's pathetic really.
Wow Quimby, you are sure open minded, and enlightening. Love to hear your take on gay marriage, whether or not the world is round or flat, your opinion on revamping the tax code, and whether or not we really ever landed on the moon.
sigh.....
but I digress.
Life, Love, Marriage and Fidelity...
I'm not being smug. I'd really like to hear them and how you work around those issues and urges that compel most of the male gender.
DD
Why get married and lock yourself down and have to sneak around? I think those type of guys are too weak to break off a relationship after it has got to a certain level, and are more comfortable sneaking around and lying than dealing with the drama of a breakup.
Written by someone who obviously has never been able to maintain a long term relationship with a woman
But if you want to stick your dick in anything that moves, and you're desperate to pay for it, maybe getting married and lying and cheating on the woman you "love" isn't a very good idea. Wait until she finds out, which she will, and see how good you feel about it.
My relationship with my wife is very good, but it isn't 100%. Sex is important, but it is only one part of any relationship.
If you have 90%, but are lacking 10%, just to use hypothetical numbers, do you toss it all out? Will you ever find 100%?
Also, it is an addiction. As someone with experience in other addictions, I can verify it is the truth.
I have never been able to resist temptation.
My experience has much in common with what a couple of posts have already mentioned. Life after menopause for some women is pretty much asexual.
I had the added complication of severe health problems that took me out of circulation for almost a decade. First fighting the illness, then getting my strength back. During that time, most of my energy got used up just surviving.
Now that I'm healthy and (relatively) strong again, I find that there has been one aspect of life that has been ignored and that I missed terribly. The entire concept of the GFE is new to me, I never heard it used before coming to TER. But it has been a panacea for me in taking back my life!
But I do not want my desires to abrogate our years together and the family that has been built. I agree with the fidelity/loyalty distinction. This hobby allows me to experience the fullness of what life has to offer without destroying that family.
But I do never for a minute kid myself that this is not a selfish motivation. I'll live with it until I can't.
i mean how do you and your SO deal with you working? how do you stay together? how can a man deal with the fact that your provider girlfriend is DFKing, having orgasms, and CIM and giving and receiving pleasure with another man? i mean even if you call it work...it is just unavoidable that in order to do your job the constant stimulation makes you orgasm.
i just don't get it. doesn't your husband and boyfriend get bothered with this?? i mean you are cheating and sharing intimate moments and pleasure with another man. don't you guys feel guilty? so how can you love your man? or vise versa who can you the husband or boyfriend stay with your provider girlfriend knowing shes having orgasms, laughing, and kissing another man?
would welcome any comments.
I personaly date myself... Then I can have all the fun I want. Besides I would not be very comfortable with someone being ok with what I do.. Besides, I am not gonna let noone take my fun away!
First off, I hate to hear men say that they have an addiction to sex. There are some who truly do become involved in this realm and take it a little too far. However, I really feel like someone sold the rest of you a bill of goods. You are men. You are programmed and wired to procreate, which is why you constantly have the urge to have sex with as many people as possible. That is evolution, survival of the species. You have a predisposition to have a certain balance of hormones in your system for the purpose of keeping you constantly looking for a mating partner. That would be why (this is a generalization) men are always looking for "something younger." The younger the mate, the more apt she is to carry your genetic code, and thus, the more desirable she is. I'm not making this up, it's basic scientific principles at work.
Somewhere along the way a society was built, rules were applied, the opinion of a select few became accepted and expected practice, and men retreated to the shadows to hide their lustful nature which was now apparently something to be ashamed of.
I believe that if more men understood that the urges they feel are completely natural, they would not feel so guilty for satisfying those urges and they would feel less apt to excuse their behaviors (i.e. "I love my wife"). I also believe that if more women were accepting of man and his nature, we would have many more happy men in the world, marriages would last longer, and relationships would be happier overall. On that note, I happen to be writing a book about just that very subject, so I've done a good deal of research on this already.
I believe it comes down to this: Love and lust are two very different things.
I think that is a concept that needs to be understood, explored, and embraced.
A man can love his partner in life with every fiber of his being. He will move mountains for her. He will put up with her. He will cater to her and devote his life to her happiness. That does not change the fact that he is a man and he will always have the urge to have sex with another woman. There is nothing wrong with or strange about that.
I've said this before, in a previous posting, and I will forever repeat it....
Women are like cars. A man can work his whole life to get that one car that is his dream car. He wants it to have very special features, be a particular color, and he wants it because to him, that car is the best car. Let's say this car is a 1967 Shelby GT500 Mustang Fastback. This is rare car, definitely not a dime a dozen and worth every moment of effort and searching it took him to find it. So he drives it, he loves it, he treats it like the gem it is....and he is happy.
So what happens when a Bugatti drives by? Or a Ferrari? Or a red hot Lamborghini?
He's going to look at it! He might even want to test drive it and heck, he probably will. He'll take it around the block, admire the curves in the bodywork, revel in its smell, and he might even imagine what it would be like to own it....but in the end he'll return the car and go back to his Shelby. Because that's his baby and it's his perfect fit. And even though it doesn't come with four turbo chargers, 1000HP, or track tuned suspension, that Shelby and he share history and a special connection that nothing could take the place of.
*Please realize that I am only writing about the men who do love their wives. This does not pertain to everyone. And if you have not found your "Shelby," or if you are reading this and have no idea what I am talking about...then go out there and find the person that makes you feel that way!
the words right out of my... LOL ... jk - You are so right on!
There is so much truth, at so many levels - amazing post Alyssa!
my boiiiing meter does react to your special qualities... 
That was perfect!!! Well said and said well.
A lot of men will agree with you miss Rossi, but it seems like a loosing battle. The shrinks try to tell us that monogomy is natural and that we have some sexual dysfunction if we are married and act on wanting to be with other women.
Society at large is against us as well and has been since the dawn of organized religion. Most religions are intolerant of multiple sexual relationships. To be honest, the harem idea sounds fun, but I am certain that the lack of access to women in the Arab world fuels a lot of their anger and fighting. I get edgey if I haven't busted one affter 3 days.
Society at large, and with the governments and religious institutions help try to shame us or enforce legal actions against us to make us comply with something we don't agree with. They tried to do that with alcohol and prohibition failed misserably. I suspect that is because there were enough influential women helping bust that idea.
No offense ladies, but I think its women who started putting the shackles on our sexuality (granted, men shackled women's freedoms for centuries), and in many cultures the rich man was allowed multiple wives, harems,mistresses. But soon after the sexual revolution happened we find our society going back to one that wants to control our sexuality.
Seems pretty stupid to me. If we legalized this service it would be safer for men, safer for the women who work, probably reduce the truely awful side of things such as trafficking and child abuse.
BTW, one other thing that came to me about the "I love my wife" comment you hear... it might be a defense mechanism. I have had lustful sessions with providers where I feel those strong feelings that one can get lost in. If a Guy says he loves his wife, maybe its a way to remind him that he doesn't want a new relationship, and to make sure the girl knows too. Guys can be vunrable as well, "nice Guy" syndrome. We guys joke and tease each other about being a sucker or a pussy, but most guys have been in situations where we do things we probably would not have if thought out more clearly prior.
Damn !!! For me you just said what I haven't been able to put into words. Hope your book is a best-seller !!
nicely put alyssa.
i couldn't have articulated the feelings inside of me any better than you have.
i love my wife (tho i try not to bring it up during a session), but that doesn't turn off the desire in me to be with another sexy, wonderful, exciting and playful friend for a short time.
I honestly believe that providers have saved more marriages than family therapists have. And I can't believe how judgmental some of the comments this thread are. So yes, I love my wife and my family. AND I also love having sex with beautiful young women. These two things are completely separate and I don't see the contradiction. In the civie world I work with beautiful women all the time and could easily have affairs, tell them I'm lonely, that my wife's a bitch, that she doesn't understand me,-- but that would be a lie. On the other hand, meeting with a provider, sharing some quality erotic and sensual times in this clearly defined relationship gives both of us what we need. She needs the money, I need the excitement, and if we both have a great time, which I find is usually the case, well, all the better. And as an extra bonus attraction, I'm a happy husband and father, always in a good mood and fun to be around. I'm not an addict, I have a budget that I allow myself every month and I sitck to it. I love this hobby, I've met and shared wonderful time with some truly amazing women and I have no intention of quitting.
So you're cool with your wife finding out about it then yes? Since it's so beneficial to your relationship?
I think you're missing the point. If I can keep my family together so my kids don't grow up in a broken home, and I don't have to have emotional affairs that could jeopardize my marriage and I can get sexual satisfaction that I can no longer get form my wife - what's the problem with that? I think I'm making the best out of my situation. What would be your solution? Divorce my wife so I can wreck her life? Deny my own sex drive so I can be bitter and angry all the time?
Why not tell her about it then? I'm sure she'd be happy you're doing it since it's keeping your marriage together, yes?
Yes, just after I posted that, I checked and all you need to do is focus on the good stuff this thread has to offer.
I have been on TER and other boards for 12 years - this quimby is a fucktard - I've seen a lot of them. An inconsequential pimple on the sphincter of a mouse... and I apologize to all the mice of the world.
He only persists in the anonymity of the cyber world.
No wonder he uses an alias! No women in her right mind would see this creep. He calls everyone else pussys but he's a sick little coward. I can't wait untill someone outs him.
I felt the love was gone in my relationship. I felt the intimacy was gone in the relationship. Something every human needs. Your lying to yourself if you say you don't.
I was feeling like a ATM machine. So I sought out providers, some where just a fuck ie. KGirls. Others I became friends with. No not freebie things like dinner with a movie. More like just a email that I wouldn't consider unwanted solicitation. Just a friendly " hey watcha doin' today?" Or "How was your day?".
Recently I met a gal who gives me all that. Treats me like a king. treats me like I am the most important person in her life. We are both late 40's so we known we are basking in the new thing mode. Besides these days marriage isn't met to last a life time. Maybe the concept of many wives isn't such a bad thing afterall. Our society is the one that says it's not.
So it was an addiction after all I guess, an addiction to feel that I was special and loved by one Lady. Tell you what though I learned a few things in the Hobby that my lady is grateful for. My ATF instructed me on the proper way to DATY. I think my Lady was a bit bewildered after our first time during the pillow talk I told her I was going to give her a 10 10
Play safe folks.
b.
Just so I get this straight. All the married men would then have no problem with their wife seeing a male provider? Correct?
As long as she's making money to pay for it... and help with other family costs that's OK by me. But I sure as hell ain't going to pay some dude to schtupp my wife.
BTW, I'm not one of those clients that tells a girl I love my wife. If I were wealthy enough I would buy my freedom and never make the mistake of getting married ever again.
I have just now read a few of your posts on this thread.
Who the hell are you??? Who made you God???
Go wallow in your limited views - they come off as totally unaware of the real issues, naive and leave me guessing you are a 14 year old from a broken home that has somehow found access to this site. You certainly don't come from the real world of 20, 30 plus year relationships - keep your immaturity where it belongs - in your palm with some KY - and leave us adults with real experience to air this out.
for the record - only 3 Heinies...
LOL
Lol get a life you 57 year old grandpa. Do you live on these boards?
I could not love her more if I tried... that said she is a career woman and spends long long hours at the office (12 to 18 hours 7 days a week... the Law) and this takes her physically and mentally out of the bedroom for weeks and sometimes months at a time. I have found this hobby activity to be a great relief from the stress that develops in my marriage and ABSOLUTELY reduces feelings of resentment and regret for time wasted. If she were around more I am sure I would be out of this hobby. In addition to the above I need to add that I have met some really wonderful women in this arena and that has been a really wonderful unanticipated bonus.
Lol
You laugh at - you put down - people who post with their real feelings and issues - and you judge. Karma is what it is - and you will get what you deserve.
I for one am - LOL - as well...
No worries about the LOL above. This is the reason I like the way I earn a living... there is no subjectivity or opinion. You either book profits or losses. Period.
Quimby, you're just a sad, angry little man with no understanding of real human emotions, needs or responsibilities. Your views and understanding of real world relationships and the dynamics of family are pathetically immature. What a shame that the only way you can feel good about yourself is by condemning and ridiculing others. For the life of me I can't figure out why you're even on this site. Isn't it supposed to be for adults?
discovered her man is seeing the wonderful ladies of the hobby.
That can be a bit daunting to any lady. Somehow, I don't think that is what is going on here.
quimby who posts so little anywhere else - this has to be a thread that hits home big time - could very well be a wife, SO...
.o2
I think you might be right! These are the rants of an angry woman.
I have had someone whom I was deeply in love with but I was unable to quit working due to finances and unwilling to give up the easy money to just throw on an apron and work at Starbucks or get an office job. He didn't have the means to essentially buy me out as they say so he knew and was a 1 time previous client as well. Our relationship continued on with me pretending I wasn't an escort and he pretending he would not accept it but he did and his way of coping with it was to cheat with escorts on the side. I know we loved each other and most importantly I know he loved me, but he was addicted. As time went on, it wore away at our relationship because selfishly I thought how could anyone who loved me as much as him do this to me every few months with other women? It hurts whichever way you look at it. Also I know that even if we both lived together and I quit there is a huge almost definite possibility that he would seek out escorts, maybe even more frequently just because when we lived together a few months to try things got a little too comfortable and a lot less sexual. Regardless, this is the most honest relationship I've ever had with another human being. I love him for who he is and I don't think that his addiction is bad as long as he is safe and doesn't fall in love with the girl. I still consider him a friend even though the relationship is over.