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Biting the bullet does not work
Bwins1954 1358 reads
posted
1 / 22
What do you do?

What do you do when your SO catches you with providers and now the marriage is over? I have moved on - clearly, or I would not have been hobbying so much. She is in shock. I have literally walked away, not like a man at all. Do the women or my ATF even know how chicken  can be and if so......would they even like me ......or just my money? WOW, I am a chicken, want to screw my wife over so much as she caught me, yet I was the one who did wrong.  Input

brewmeister 761 reads
posted
2 / 22
I'm a divorced man, but...

I would probably just tell that cheating liar that she's getting her just desserts if she catches me with one of the fine women I find here on this site!!  

Posted By: Bwins1954
What do you do when your SO catches you with providers and now the marriage is over? I have moved on - clearly, or I would not have been hobbying so much. She is in shock. I have literally walked away, not like a man at all. Do the women or my ATF even know how chicken  can be and if so......would they even like me ......or just my money? WOW, I am a chicken, want to screw my wife over so much as she caught me, yet I was the one who did wrong.  Input?  
 

rachelsonoma See my TER Reviews 652 reads
posted
3 / 22
Be compassionate to her

There is time to make this better. I urge you to be compassionate to her. Tell her that you care for her. At the same time, be honest about your needs. You were making sure your needs were met by seeing providers. You don't want to be held to an unrealistic expectation of fidelity because_________________  

There is a great book called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton. It explains a lifestyle where each partner is free to go outside the relationship for sex, as long as there is full disclosure. Compassion is encouraged. The book suggests ways to have discussions, or arguments, that are more productive than perhaps things have been in the past. This book might be helpful to you and your SO.

Feel free to message me. I have helped out in similar situations.

QueenBia See my TER Reviews 613 reads
posted
4 / 22
Honesty is the best!

I have an SO & I would be honest if I no longer wanted to be in a relationship, but that is just me!  To answer your ? the providers you pay just want your money honey.  If you want a divorce, then get one & live the rest of your life happy.  I have an ATF who just filed for divorce after 20yrs of being miserable.

Just get a divorce & leave.  No hard feelings.  Life goes on.  Smile 4 me! xox
Related Link: http://queenofalltraits.com

Knows4fun 489 reads
posted
5 / 22
Re: Be compassionate to her

Posted By: rachelsonoma
There is time to make this better. I urge you to be compassionate to her. Tell her that you care for her. At the same time, be honest about your needs. You were making sure your needs were met by seeing providers. You don't want to be held to an unrealistic expectation of fidelity because_________________  
   
 There is a great book called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton. It explains a lifestyle where each partner is free to go outside the relationship for sex, as long as there is full disclosure. Compassion is encouraged. The book suggests ways to have discussions, or arguments, that are more productive than perhaps things have been in the past. This book might be helpful to you and your SO.  
   
 Feel free to message me. I have helped out in similar situations.
Right now the best thing you can do is listen. She just took an involuntary acid bath. This is likely a total total shock to her world on any number of levels. Every suspicion and reaction should be anticipated to subjects you may not initially see as relevant. Right now, everything to her is relevant. Compassionate is right. Do not try to explain yourself or your needs at this point. She doesn't give a damn.

Bwins1954 547 reads
posted
6 / 22
Re: Honesty is the best!

I was so dishonest for so many years and actually fell in love with my ATF - saw her for 2 years, twice per month. My wife had no clue, she thought I was going through work changes. Now that we are getting divorced, (she filed after 6 months of counseling) I never stopped with a new provider so it shows you my state of mind. Now, she is without a job, I am doing well, and I want to keep it all. I am selfish. She calls me a narcissist. Told me months ago I had a choice 1) I could have asked for a divorce or 2) I could have stopped and recommitted to a long term marriage. I kept hobbying, am addicted to the rush of the day of seeing that young girl versus my 56 year old babe of a wife (who is always there for me, always cared for me, had great sex, nothing like hobbying.   SO I am a selfish fool, I do not want to work until 71 just because I was caught, so what kind of man am I? And why do I think my AFT's love me? I am confusing sex with love. I cannot go back to my wife, I have trashed her so badly and we are in litigation. She would have taken me back with mega amounts of therapy -- I just cannot stop hobbying. How can I hurt this one person so much who never hurt me -- just loved me.......

Freya Fantasia See my TER Reviews 590 reads
posted
7 / 22
Sometimes honesty and full disclosure are not the best solution in a situation like this...

This may not be the popular answer and I really am a very honest person, but there are times when unloading on someone to ease your own conscience is doing more damage than just keeping it to yourself.

 In the 12 step programs they talk about making amends in one of the steps and how you apologize for things that you've done wrong in the past, but there is a big exception to that rule.   If apologizing and confessing will cause more harm to the innocent party, then you really shouldn't do it. Sometimes being honest does more harm to the other person and in that situation it's not advised.  That is, if you are trying to look at this and figure out how to not hurt her anymore than necessary.

For you it sounds a little complex, though. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her maybe.  It sounds like you are angry with her for discovering your secret and screwing everything up.  Do you think that's true?  Or are you glad that it's finally over?

I'm not saying you should lie to her at all. I just think that less information might be better in a situation like this. She doesn't need to know the full extent of your infidelity.  She might think she wants to know that but she doesn't need to know it.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this right now. You should probably find a counselor to speak with for a session or two. They can be very good at helping us sort out our thoughts and feelings when we are in crisis like this

SHE-1 See my TER Reviews 417 reads
posted
8 / 22
Re: Sometimes honesty and full disclosure are not the best solution in a situation like this...

i have to disagree with that.  the only answers that she will believe is the honest ones.  it sounds like you make a complete ass of yourself whenever you try and broach the subject with her, but i found what you wrote here to be touching.  

i suggest you sit down at your computer or at your desk and just fucking start spilling it.  dont proofread or second guess, just write.  i bet what comes out of that would be exactly what she needs to hear.  she is looking for explanations, someone to blame, besides herself and even you.  just be totally fucking honest with yourself.  then email the fucker and see what happens.

Blunderbuss 472 reads
posted
9 / 22
You can try chewing on a bullet...EOM


END OF MESSAGE

sxfiendpark96 2 Reviews 426 reads
posted
10 / 22
A well intentioned BAD idea

Eh, he's in litigation. Anything he puts in writing - especially any admissions - will come back to bite him hard.

At this point, say nothing, do nothing. You're in the middle of a divorce, get through that first. Then deal with the feelings and emotions. Remember - hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. If she's angry enough, she'll take your e-mail, read it, and hand it to her lawyer who will be only too happy to send it to your lawyer with some increased demands.

You did what you did for reasons known only to you. You have to live with that. But if you want to 'keep everything,' sending her an e-mail is that absolute easiest way to make sure you don't.

Bwins1954 355 reads
posted
11 / 22
Re: Sometimes honesty and full disclosure are not the best solution in a situation like this...

I am angry that she found me out. I am angry that I have to split everything in a divorce. I am angry that I am not being a real man. I am angry that she is smarter than I am and found out ways to get me even though I tried to plan it all out.  

I cannot give full disclosure as I am too afraid to do so. I cannot seem to be the man I thought I was before all of this happened.

I miss my true ATF who I really thought loved me and now now really loved my money and the things I did for her. Like her website. Where was my head, not in reality, did a great job on the website kinda forgetting that it was to get clients. DUH. Thought I was her favorite, would have done anything for her. Except leave my marriage.  

I am just a fool at times. I love the hobby, it is so exciting. I also loved being married to my wife and I love family. I just cannot seem to stop trying not to win in this divorce.  The truth will set me free and also probably allow my wife to have some closure. She deserves that after all I put her through and with how cool she has been for all the decades we have been together.

Bwins1954 421 reads
posted
12 / 22
Re: You can try chewing on a bullet...EOM

that works for about a minute then I need to find a provider who has a local outcall - usually near LA

kenescalade02 17 Reviews 424 reads
posted
13 / 22
Re: You can try chewing on a bullet...EOM

Posted By: Bwins1954
that works for about a minute then I need to find a provider who has a local outcall - usually near LAX  
 
Hope your wife never had access to your account or emails.

Bwins1954 401 reads
posted
14 / 22
Re: You can try chewing on a bullet...EOM

She did manage to get into my cell phone where I left an email exchange from 2 weeks prior, it was too hot! Never thought she would find it. She also found a photo of my ATF on my computer, which I had stored in the trash bin but not emptied. This was s a special photo my AFT gave to me that showed her full face. It took a year to get that photo, and doing her website for her, and paying for a year of hosting services. Then of course, dinner to celebrate the new website.

 All passwords changed. She would have to hire a top notch PI and forensic accountant in order to uncover all.  Right there, that gives me motivation to stop being so cruel to her. If she does those 2 things and does them well, I am history.  She has always been smarter than me, and I just got in too deep. Will redo all and speak with attorney further. Thanks.

kenescalade02 17 Reviews 451 reads
posted
15 / 22
Re: You can try chewing on a bullet...EOM

Good you changed your passwords and are speaking with an attorney.  
I thought she already hired a PI and had uncovered it all.  

good luck with the litigation.  

-- Modified on 4/21/2015 9:33:59 AM

Bwins1954 420 reads
posted
16 / 22
Re: You can try chewing on a bullet...EOM

She did hire a PI and then another really good one! Top notch forensic accountant and now top tier lawyer. Somehow I keep thinking I will get away with stuff.  I messed with income this year and she caught it already. It is no longer cool and I panic at times, that I have become this person.

Bwins1954 378 reads
posted
17 / 22
Biting the bullet does not work

I have had great input from this community about my situation and for that, I remain grateful. Honestly. Thank you all.
I now have to decide what to do with a major fork in the proverbial road and stop screwing with my wife.  I must be quite angry to have pulled what I have pulled with the lawyers. Turning in simple email or text exchanges to the lawyers with the hopes of making her look unstable. Makes me feel like I am winning somehow. Some of you have reminded me to be a MAN, others have suggested honesty. All are good. I waffle. One day I am ok with being decent, the next day I want it all......and she is so weak now with what I have done to her. I truly think I broke her spirit and she had so so so so much life in her. I just want to be released and go on with life. I am 61, really now, how many more years do I have in front of me? I could have gone on forever as she was so trusting of me, yet I was a sloppy hobbyist. That is how one gets caught. I so dislike how everyone hates me for what I did........

GaGambler 423 reads
posted
18 / 22
I doubt anyone here HATES you for fucking around on your wife

but I doubt a single person respects you for coming on here whining about it. Not to mention how stupid it is, assuming this isn't "your wife" posting as you in the first place, something I would hardly bet against, but stipulating that this really is you, posting all this on a public forum while going through (I assume) divorce proceedings is beyond stupid.

So we the viewing public have one of two choices to make her. Either you are a blithering idiot, OR you are an angry and bitter wife trying to get even more ammunition against your lying, cheating husband. Either way, it must suck to be you.

BTW I would suggest chewing on the bullet as it is traveling at about 2,000 feet per second. You should try it, I think I will solve all your problems.

Bwins1954 360 reads
posted
19 / 22
Re: I doubt anyone here HATES you for fucking around on your wife

You are a fool. Like my wife would ever know about this site. Yes, I have whined. Yes, I have screwed up . You are just a callous person to  state what you stated

Blunderbuss 504 reads
posted
20 / 22
Huge Misunderstanding

I didn't mean to bite the bullet. I meant chew on it, until it goes BOOM. maybe I didn't read closely enough but my initial read left the impression that you're not a real good guy.  

Posted By: Bwins1954
I have had great input from this community about my situation and for that, I remain grateful. Honestly. Thank you all.  
 I now have to decide what to do with a major fork in the proverbial road and stop screwing with my wife.  I must be quite angry to have pulled what I have pulled with the lawyers. Turning in simple email or text exchanges to the lawyers with the hopes of making her look unstable. Makes me feel like I am winning somehow. Some of you have reminded me to be a MAN, others have suggested honesty. All are good. I waffle. One day I am ok with being decent, the next day I want it all......and she is so weak now with what I have done to her. I truly think I broke her spirit and she had so so so so much life in her. I just want to be released and go on with life. I am 61, really now, how many more years do I have in front of me? I could have gone on forever as she was so trusting of me, yet I was a sloppy hobbyist. That is how one gets caught. I so dislike how everyone hates me for what I did.........  
 

GaGambler 278 reads
posted
21 / 22
Thats why I suggested he try chewing on one as it travels at about 2,000 fps

BTW, did your post prompt a PM from "him"???

He's been blowing up my inbox, I don't think he likes me. I think this may cause me to lose sleep this evening. lol

LadyLegend See my TER Reviews 405 reads
posted
22 / 22
Re: Be compassionate to her

Posted By: rachelsonoma

   
 There is a great book called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton. It explains a lifestyle where each partner is free to go outside the relationship for sex, as long as there is full disclosure. Compassion is encouraged. The book suggests ways to have discussions, or arguments, that are more productive than perhaps things have been in the past. This book might be helpful to you and your SO.  
.
This is a GREAT book. I recommend it highly.

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