Chili taster
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding famous celebrity in Texas.
To be a judge at a chili cook-off. (Actually because no one else
wanted to do it, and also the original person called in sick at the last mo...ment, and
I happened to be standing there at the judges table, asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came). I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards for the event:
Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 "A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick."
Judge #2 "Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild."
Frank "Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!"
Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 "Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang."
Judge #2 "Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously."
Frank "Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
they saw the look on my face!"
Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 "Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick."
Judge #2 "A bean-less chili. A bit salty, a good use of red peppers."
Frank "I felt something scraping across my tongue. But was unable to
taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was starting to look Hot, just like this
nuclear-waste that I'M EATING!"
Chili #5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Chili
Judge #1 "Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers, freshly ground adding
considerable kick."
Judge #2 "Chili using shredded beef, makes a strong statement."
Frank "My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told here that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
really pisses me off that the other judges, asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!"
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 "Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers."
Judge #2 "The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Frank "My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally.
I need to wipe my ass with snow cone."
Chili#7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 "A mediocre chili with too much emphasis on canned peppers."
Judge #2 "Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cussing uncontrollably."
Frank "You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damned thing! I've lost the sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made o rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed from my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach."
Chili #8 Helen's Mount Saint Chili
Judge #1 "A perfect ending. This is a nice blend of chile, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence."
Judge #2 "This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he going to make
it.
Poor Yank.
