1. A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from an Irish Bog.
A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shit an pish!'
The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me'?
The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
2. Shayne had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Shayne".
Shayne replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Shayne spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face.
"I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Shayne. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Shayne says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' p!ssed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again!"
Saint Patrick was a gentleman, Who through strategy and stealth, Drove all the snakes from Ireland, Here’s a toasting to his health. But not too many toastings Lest you lose yourself and then Forget the good Saint Patrick And see all those snakes again. 'Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!' Happy St. Patrick's Day!
would you happen to have the ladies phone numbers?
And as a thanks to you, another Irish joke;
Murphy & O'Leary go fishing in their small boat on the lake. After a bit, Murphy gets a tug on his line & reels it in. Seems he's snagged a lamp; while they're wiping it dry, a Genie emerges. The Genie says 'You have freed me from the lamp, but I am a minor genie, so I can only grant you one wish!' Murphy thinks for a second and says 'OK. turn the entire lake into Guinness.' So the Genie says 'Master, be it done!' and the entire lake changes into Guinness. After a minute, O'Leary smacks Murphy up side his head. Murphy says 'What's wrong with you, I go the whole lake changed to Guinness!' O'Leary says 'Eejut! Now we've got to piss in the boat!'
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