Ladies, for a limited time, I am offering the ultimate Boyfriend experience. I have the following packages available:

Two hour incall introduction   $0.47
I will walk around your place in my underwear and scratch my butt with your remote control, fail to notice when you get your hair done or dress nice and make you fetch me endless beers until I pass out on your couch.

Threesome and more.   $ 1.25
If you wish to extend our time together, I’ll invite my slob friends over and let you make us snack foods while we watch football and wrestling while failing to thank you.  We will discuss totally improper things in front of you and they will make sexist comments about your butt while I do absolutely nothing about it.

Ultimate dinner date.  $ 2.50
Romance beyond your wildest dreams.  Our evening will start with a romantic dinner for two at a Hooters or Steak and Shake location of your choice.  If you fail to pick us up a waitress, we will proceed to the opera house where I will complain about not understanding Italian and fall asleep half way through the opening aria, snoring like a chainsaw and embarrassing you to no end.  I may get in a fight while leaving and vomit on my opponent.

Please call for other rates.  As you can imagine, my availability is very limited.  In order to give you the attention you deserve,  I only book 12 appointments a day.

This picture is real and current and has not been retouched.